Dear Great Turkey/Generic Good-Natured Pilgrim/Modern Envisioning Of Some Standard Native American/Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Saint Nicholas, Slightly Larger Than Usual, Which, Is Really Not The Best Idea For You Because Of The Whole Christmas-Thing That’s Coming Up (But I Guess You Manage To Get It Done Each Year So It Isn’t Really My Place To Judge You On This One);
Dear Whomever It Is That Should Be Addressed As The Mascot-Come-Overseer Of Thanksgiving,
I recently became aware of the phenomenon of the Thanksgiving Letter. Not aware as in I know what it is, because I don’t, I didn’t ask, but aware as in I do know that it’s a thing. There’s something called the Thanksgiving Letter and people write them. I’m going to guess that it’s a letter where you explain all of the things that you’re thankful for, a sort of prequel to the letter where you explain all of the things that you would like to be thankful for in the future. That letter being the Christmas List. I certainly have a lot to be thankful for this year, so let me go over the highlights:
Thank you, Great Turkey, for letting all my friends find paying jobs this year. It means a lot to me. I’ve been able to get a bunch of free stuff thanks to them.
Thank you for the whole Obama winning thing. If that had gone the other way my mother would have never let up about it.
Similarly, thank you for those people that preemptively moved to Canada. We didn’t need them anyway.
Thank you for t-shirts with movie quotes on them. Like one that says, “I get older and they stay the same age” with a picture of Mathew McConaughey’s face. Those shirts save me a lot of time in determining whom to despise immediately upon seeing.
Thank you for classic books like The Hobbit, The Great Gatsby, and Pride and Prejudice. They’re going to make for some excellent movies next year.
In that same vein, thank you for movies. They’ve taught me all there is to know about romantic relationships. Of that, I’m sure.
Thank you for those tan Burberry plaid button up shirts. That’s definitely a good look for nobody.
Thank you for the person who always wants to talk about Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby. You know exactly how to immediately lose my attention.
Thank you also for the person that just thought “How do you not like talking about Blue Ivy!?”
Thank you for people that trust you to keep their secrets. Those things always make for great conversation starters at parties.
Thank you for eyebrows. They probably just look normal because we have them and we’re used to them, but without those things I think people would look pretty terrible.
Thank you for those specialty toothpastes with flavors like apricot, whole grain, and cinnamon. Because sometimes when you swallow your toothpaste instead of spitting it out, you want to taste something other than mint.
Thank you for those prisons that are also museums. I think they’re called zoos.
Thanks for Facebook statuses, without which, I would never be alerted to crucial information. I mean, I might have never found out that Penelope Cruz actually has a less famous but kind of hotter sister named Monica Cruz! That was a close one!
Thanks for people who think it’s totally a great idea to respond to comedians on Twitter. That’s where the real comedy happens.
Thank you also for those people that feel the need to tell you jokes that they heard a standup comedian tell. It’s always a treat to hear those jokes told with different timing and delivery.
Pizza bagels. Thanks for those, genuinely.
Thank you for all the shoes that aren’t New Balances.
Thank you for street construction, multi-car accidents, and the occasional gas explosion. Those deaf-defying noises make it absolutely impossible to hear the person telling me about their day, and that’s something I never want to hear about.
Thank you for the ability to hyperlink. Check that out.
Thank you for every day that there isn’t a parade.
Thank you to all the people in New York trying to be different, but going about it in the exact same way as everyone else. The uniformity makes it easier on the eyes.
Thank you for everyone who is able to restrain themselves from mentioning that Thanksgiving is a holiday celebrating genocide, and will allow me to just eat and make my jokes.
And finally, thank you for all the great stuff that I own: the clothes, the movies, the Mario Batali cookbooks, the first and second LEGO Death Star sets, George Clooney’s limited edition 2007 cologne “Gentle.Man”. All that stuff is great.
And thankfully today I’ll be able to go buy a ton more of that stuff for super cheap! Because this stuff that I have now just isn’t enough.
The Most Sincere,