I consider myself pretty well versed when it comes to ethnic stereotypes, but I guess there are some things that even I don’t know. Apparently there’s a common stereotype that white people smell bad when it rains. Is that really a thing? How was I not aware of this?Thanks, Twitter, I guess.

It’s raining today in New York (and presumably in other places, too), and somehow I stumbled upon the Twitter handle WhiteSmellBot who is in the midst of retweeting things about, you guessed it, white people smelling foul. Judging by the majority of the comments, the smell is some cross between wet dog and hot dog. So far, hot dog water is the most common amalgam of the two. Other people are equating the smell to a pharmacy, and to processed cheese product, though it’s not clear if those are smells when wet, or just when dry. Either way, I’m pretty into this. You can never have too many stereotypes. Am I right, or am I right?

It’s been a while since I posted a good Star Wars video. It’s also been a while since I posted the nerdiest thing of all time. This is, like, an electro-dance-cello-made-in-mother’s-basement remix of the Star Wars theme song and it’s incredible. They’ve got everything from force lightning to lightsaber bows. Lightsaber bows! It blows my mind.

I was hesitant about posting this at first, but then at the end when the Sith cellist instructed me to post it using his dark powers there wasn’t much I could do. Those Sith Lords, you gotta love ‘em.

The Grammys don’t mean anything. It would be nice if they did, they’re supposed to be the most prestigious honor that a musician can be awarded, but they’re not. The Album Of The Year award, for example, should be given to the best album released that year, as the name suggests. This year, the nominees in that category are Adele,The Foo Fighters, Rihanna, Bruno Mars, and Lady Gaga. Three of those names are unlike the others. Rihanna: Oh, so a compilation counts as an album? In absolutely no way was Loud a cohesive body of work, otherwise known as an album. It was simply a collection of singles. Gaga’s album wasn’t as good as her first, and Bruno Mars is an adequate songwriter, but this is all inconsequential (I haven’t listened to the Foo Fighter’s new album so I’ll leave it out of this discussion (it’ll be irrelevant momentarily anyway)). One name is prominently absent from this list: Kanye West.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was one of the highest rated albums of all time, receiving five stars from Rolling Stone, a ten out of ten from Pitchfork, and an average score of ninety-four (based on forty-three reviews) on Metacritic. Those numbers are meant as a preface to my next claim that: this was one of the greatest albums of all time. It was a shoo-in for Album Of The Year, I thought, being significantly greater, not only than any other rap album from 2011, but than any album released period. Over the last year I discussed with friends how great it will be to see West accept the award for Album Of The Year, the true point of redemption for his manic public image, and a deserved honor for his magnum opus. Sometimes we would joke about the idea of him losing. It was a good joke. But never once did we consider that he would not even be nominated.

It has long been known that The Grammys are political, but now it is clear that they are only political. In denying MBDTF, a perfectly rated, written, and sequenced album, The Grammys deny having any interest in honoring music based on music. Is Rihanna’s Loud a bad collection of songs? No, some of those are really catchy, but was it the greatest work of music released in 2011? Come on. It wasn’t even kind of the greatest album released last year. But that is the recognition that it very well could receive, because it sold well, charted well, and produced hits. Also, The Grammys would presumably like Rihanna to perform, and what better way to book that than throwing her an AOTY nomination.

With award shows annually losing viewers, The Grammys want ratings, but wholesome ratings. They want minivan-friendly Bruno Mars publicity, not monstrous Kanye West. Additionally, it’s known that Kanye is disliked by the Grammy committee for his outspoken, arrogant qualities. Three of his five classic albums have been nominated for AOTY, but never has he taken home the award. And regardless of whether or not each of his previous studio albums deserved Album Of The Year, in the case of MBDTF it’s clearly not a question of the music. And the committee is not going to pretend that it is; they’re not going to throw Kanye a nomination and then give the album to Gaga, or Bruno Mars. To have Dark Fantasy seemingly lose in a competition of quality against any of the albums that are nominated would be just as unfathomable as it not qualifying. The only legitimate, credible option for the Grammys here was to give Kanye Album Of The Year, and if they’re not going to, then I’d rather he not be nominated than for them to pretend that Dark Fantasy was in any way inferior to another album from 2011.

This goes beyond just snubbing Kanye. The Grammy committee simply does not know what to do with hip hop. It receives recognition as a musical genre, but is largely quarantined into its own couple of award categories. Seldom does a hip hop album manage to cross over and receive recognition as a contender for Album Of The Year, and when it does, only twice (Lauryn Hill‘s The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and Outkast‘s Speakerboxxx/The Love Below) has a rap album won. Though hip hop has arguably been the mainstay of American popular and youth music for the last ten, if not twenty years, it has to work substantially harder as a genre to receive recognition.

The Grammy committee doesn’t know how to gauge the quality of a rap album. It goes beyond them not associating with the subject matter, as plenty of hip hop fans do not have personal experience with the subject matter concerning rap, and is more that they cannot compare it to other forms of music. Few hip hop albums are considered for album of the year because the committee doesn’t know how to equate a rap song to a pop song. And in some ways it is a difficult task, with a rap having more lyrics and traditionally less melody, but they must be compared if The Grammys expect to have an award ceremony that properly reflects the state of American music (which, it appears that they do not).

Is it an issue of race? Maybe, if only indirectly. Eminem was nominated for AOTY last year despite Recovery being underwhelming for both a hip hop album and an Eminem album. Though I don’t attribute this to Eminem being white. Recovery sold incredibly well (5.7 million copies as of this writing) and spawned two number one records on the Billboard Hot 100. So while it was not a great hip hop album, it was well received by the masses, which is what The Grammys are all about. Race factors in contingently by the committee being generationally disconnected from hip hop. The people deciding the greatest album of a given year, an emblem of our culture, do not reflect the majority of listeners culturally or generationally, nor do they seem to understand the music of this time. Rap music is youth music, and to have the judges of our culture be less than youthful results in a lack of comprehension, an in turn skewed accolades.

Recently, while performing in Chicago, Kanye addressed his Grammy snub, saying, “I figured out though, that’s my fault for dropping Watch The Throne and Dark Fantasy in the same year.” The back-to-back releases indeed might have divided voters and unintentionally hurt Dark Fantasy’s chance of being nominated, but it’s not just a matter of technicality. This snub is a personal snub, a biased snub, and a cultural snub. As both a hip hop head and a Kanye fan I am of course biased, but when it comes to the rest of the nominees no album even comes close to Dark Fantasy except Adele’s 21. Even then, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is a musical masterpiece. Show some respect.

Hey, how was your holiday? Whatever. This week’s debrief comes to you straight from my parents’ sofa in San Francisco where I’m watching Elf for the third time and having my mother make me all kinds of snacks. We’re all about to get “tanked up” though, as my dad says, so let’s run through this debrief quickly.

Black Friday
With Thanksgiving over, the Christmas season is now officially underway, and with that comes the traditional pepper spraying, shooting, and stabbing of holiday shoppers. What, that’s not tradition where you’re from? Oh it’s not traditional here either? Well, it unfortunately might be now. This year, shoppers intending to capitalize on Black Friday deals had more to deal with than just long lines, as people across the country were injured in attempts to get survival necessities like Xboxes and waffle makers.

Nationwide, the biggest story to come out of the near-Black Friday Massacre, was that of a woman who pepper sprayed over twenty people in a Los Angeles-area Walmart in order to get to a crate of Xboxes. Though really, can you blame her? Those things go fast. And apparently, a security guard in North Carolina also pepper sprayed customers looking for various electronics. Two Xboxes says he’s from Davis.

Crowds in New York reportedly looted a Soho clothing store, a crime that could be committed at any point during the year, thereby defeating the purpose of Black Friday. And in San Leandro a woman was robbed and shot in the foot while loading her Black Friday purchases into her car. In retaliation, her husband took out and fired a sawed-off shotgun from the glove compartment, because that just happened to be in there. With Americans outdoing even a fictionalized enraged version of themselves, we can only hope for a string of viruses and internet bullying on Cyber Monday.

Here’s a thought: Dr. Pepper should be the name of a superhero who wields pepper spray.

Just a thought.

Black Star Friday
For those uninterested in scoring deals, as well as a burning sensation in their eyes, Black Friday also turned out to be Black Star Friday. Just when you thought the year of colossal hip hop duos was over, Mos Def (recently switching to the name Yasiin Bey, though here he will just be known as Mos Def because the name change is unnecessary) and Talib Kweli (recently switching to the name Mos Def, now that it’s available) (not really) return as Black Star and drop two new songs. The first, “Fix Up” is available on iTunes and will be on their upcoming album, and the other, “You Already Knew” is available for free on their website, and is from their upcoming mixtape Aretha.

The two tracks, produced by Madlib and Oh No, respectively, are great. With nice soul samples and quality rhymes, they’re exactly what you would expect from two emcees of this caliber. Production-wise, however, something is off. The beats are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but the songs both sound unmixed. “You Already Knew” isn’t as bad, but “Fix Up” sounds straight up like it was recorded with a built-in laptop microphone, which is funny because at the beginning Mos can be heard saying, “Nice. Nice levels.” Nice levels, they are not. Go download these songs, I’m out of jokes.

Santa Claus Is Dead
With Elf wrapping up for the third time, a perplexing thought has occurred to me. What’s the connection between Santa Claus and Jesus Christ? While Christmas is technically the celebration of Jesus’ birthday, it is very much also about Santa. It’s like Santa Day; the one day each year he gets to exhibit all of the hard work that he’s done for Hasbro and Mattel and Lego and Nintendo. At some point  St. Nick must have taken over as the authority on Christ’s birthday, but, I mean, when did that happen? How did they even get that arrangement going?

“Listen, Nick, I want you to co-sponsor my birthday. Every year, on the night of December 24, go around the world and give people gifts.”

And then what did Nick say?

“Yeah JC, I’m in.”

Is there someway I can get a Saint to co-sponsor my birthday?

Then Christ likely threw in the whole disclaimer about how Nick would have to move to the North Pole, change his name to Santa, and spend all year hand-making toys with the help of a bunch of magical beings. What’s puzzling though is why this switch was even made. Was Jesus unable to handle his own birthday duties? He is a pretty important guy; I could understand if he’s got other things going on. But at this point, Christmas, at least in my barely-Jewish household, is solely about Santa (if that. What’s up, consumerism?).

In actuality (as actual as this discussion could ever get), that could never have been the condition under which Nick took the reins of Christmas. Let’s not forget that a person must die before becoming a saint, an unfortunate policy that still, to this day, bums the hell out of me (I think I’m a perfect candidate for sainthood. My mother agrees). What this means is that JC never even spoke to Nick about him being his birthday mascot, as both of them were dead when the decision was made. Further, ol’ St. Nick didn’t even have a choice when it came to working all year making toys for people in exchange for, if he’s lucky, some Pepperidge Farm cookies.  At some point a priest, or the pope, or maybe God himself, must have decided that someone needed to be the new face of Christmas.

“You know, we need to spice up Jesus’ birthday. I think we need a mascot.”

“You do?” asked another person in the conversation.

“Yeah. Definitely. Let’s just give it to Nick, he’s a saint now, right?”

And what a way for a saint to be rewarded. You spend your whole life being saintly, and then you’re rewarded with an afterlife full of physical labor. And let’s face it, Mrs. Claus is no trophy wife. At least for St. Valentine, he’s got Cupid working on his day. So what are we to believe, Santa is a ghost forever inhabiting the North Pole? That sure would make the whole chimney thing more feasible. Or, rather, is he the renegade saint who hi-jacked Christ’s b-day? Oh, none of this matters because Santa doesn’t exist? Well, true, maybe, but culturally he exists, and culturally he is the representative of someone else’s birthday, which is weird. If someone had told Nick while he was alive that one day he would be known for piloting a reindeer-assisted sled and work all year long with a bunch of elves, all in the name of Jesus, he probably would’ve been excited. Really excited. It’s Christmas time. Get excited.

…Aaaaand, he pretty much acts how you would expect. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, we can watch the Oprah Show audition tape of Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, who earlier this week fired a bullet at a White House window with a high-powered rifle, and was later apprehended and charged with attempted Presidential assassination. I know this is actually really serious (though Obama was not even in Washington) but I mean… this video.

It starts out vaguely coherent, and he just comes off as a well meaning rube with greasy hair. But then, good ol’ Oscar gets into some of his more loony ideas, such as that he is the subject of all of Nostradamus’ predictions, the inanities of measuring time, the fact that God lives in his thoughts, and his belief that Marijuana will leave us all to savior (oookay Oscar, okay). He also says all sorts of foreboding shit about “sacrificing his body” and tearing down the government. It’s 20 minutes long, but worth the watch.

Just when I thought the Biebz may have been on to something with his rapping, he had to go and hang out with Jaden Smith again. And now all that’s going on is the spoiling of a wonderful Frank Ocean tune.

I’m really interested whenever Bieber raps. It still is not particularly good, or interesting, but it’s by no means bad. And I do think that he’s actually writing these rhymes, just because of how simple and innocent they are. Here, he stops by Hot 97 to spit about goodnight kisses and having the number one chick (debatable) over an old school Premo beat. And it’s all fine, the flow is consistent, the references make sense; it’s all nice and good.

What he should have done, though, or should do in the future, is spit a verse, or even just a line about all these paternity accusations. Right now, all he does is brag about how he’s dating Selena Gomez and how he has a lot of money. And also about how he really is writing these lines, which is more than evident by how substance-less they are. He doesn’t even shout out Canada! Step it up Bieber. Give people a reason to listen to you as a rapper.

I really would love to rep Bieber as a rapper. How cool would that be? But then he has to go and collaborate with eight-year-old Jaden Smith. One of my favorite videos is a clip from a Biebz concert where he’s performing “Never Say Never”, and then Jaden Smith pops out of the floor when JB summons him by name, like he were a Pokemon. It’s awesome. And then, to make it better, he proceeds to ask, “Guess who?” after Bieber has already shouted his name. Bad timing, guys.

But this is not awesome. “Thinking About You” by Frank Ocean is a really well-written song and an absolute joy to listen to. And I don’t mean the over-autotuned, emotionless Bridgete Kelly version, for which the original was a reference track. No, I would not want to listen to that one. But then Beiber and the Young Karate Kid had to go over the track, creating a version with even less emotion than Kelly’s and even more auto-tune. This mess of a track features an extended verse from Jaden Smith rapping about things he has no idea about because he’s thirteen years old.

I want to rep Bieber, I really do, but the kid has to stop having play dates with J Smith. I don’t know why the Biebz didn’t just spit a verse on “Thinking About You”. He’s a way better lyricist than Smith, and that’s just kind of a weird thing to admit.

PETA is fucking ridiculous man. Do they really expect people to take them at all seriously. I really think they probably don’t. They can’t. Anyway, their new axe to grind is with the Super Mario 3D Land, the Nintendo 3DS game that just came out this week. Apparently, they take great offense at the game’s Tanooki suit, AKA the raccoon power-up that lets you fly that we all know and love.

I mean, what?! The Tanooki suit is what PETA really thinks their time should be spent on. Do they really expect humans to play the game, and then go out and kill a raccoon to wear it’s skin so they can fly and get the warp whistle? That sounds pretty cool actually. Anyway, PETA went through the trouble of creating a little flash game where you play as a skinned raccoon and chase after a Tanooki’d Mario to try to reclaim your precious flesh. Check it out, it’s actually sorta fun. Maybe you’re not so bad PETA…

UPDATE: PETA is claiming it was all a joke. Me thinks it wasn’t.

Goddamn I was a total pussy when I was a little kid. I’m sure I had no idea what the fuck chewing tobacco even was. I’ve only done it like twice anyway and it’s gross as shit even now. This kid has to be what, like 11? I honestly think he could probably kick my ass. I knew that the south was strange but this… this is amazing.

Can this really be real? I feel as though perhaps this is some sort of Andy Milonakis situation? I can’t even be mad at this kid though. He is just cooling so hard. He even talks about what he “used to dip.” Does he even realize how strange this is? What’s happening here? The internet man… the internet.

UPDATE: YouTube took down the video because they’re lame but I found it on this other site that doesn’t do embedding so check it out here. Or click the image up top to be taken to it

Actually, he don’t… He’s just got a new song called “I Got AIDS” which he claims is to help with AIDS awareness.

PLEASE EVERYONE I MADE THIS TO INFORM EVERYONE THAT I LOVE AND RESPECT AND EVERYONE THAT LISTENS TO MY MUSIC AND LOVES BASED TO PLEASE GET TESTED AND PROTECT YOURSELF AND PARTNERS
AND BE SAFE,
I WANT YOU TO NO IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU ARE AT RISK
PLEASE USE CONDOMS AND HAVE SAFE SEX,
PLEASE I LOVE YOU,
IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME UPLOAD A VIDEO OF YOU GOING TO GET TESTED AND SEND TO ME I WILL ALSO UPLOAD A VIDEO OF ME GETTING TESTED,
I LOVE YOU AND IF YOU ARE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE NO YOU HAVE SUPPORT – Lil B

So Lil B may or may not be gay and he may or may not have AIDS. Is this even controversial anymore? Oh Based God you Devil! Anyway, “I Got AIDS” will be released on Lil B’s upcoming mixtape, Basedgod Velli, which will be his 734th mixtape for the year.

This past week saw the occurrence of a presumably once-in-a-lifetime event: 11/11/11. Back in July I threw a party on the seventh just so I could tell people it was on 7/7, so in light of this neurotic tendency, I was beyond excited for November 11. I didn’t let myself get too excited because I have a problem of things not meeting my expectations; I also didn’t make a wish at 11:11 because I forgot. How cool would that’ve been if I had remembered? Pretty cool, I dare say. It would have for sure come true.

If you made a wish at this time don’t tell me about it. I won’t like you.

Holidays/Fashion/Egotism

Besides the numerical alliteration that occurred on the eleventh (if that’s even a thing), it was also National Corduroy Day. This widely unrecognized holiday is always a momentous day for me as I am self-nicknamed Corduroy. It’s not the first nickname I’ve given myself, but it is certainly one of the most accurate: I wear a lot of corduroy; I’m warm; I am best utilized in the Fall; I look great on most occasions. And there are even more reasons too, but after a while they get overly pompous.

For the love of corduroy, and in hopes of educating those unaware of Corduroy Day, here are some everyday products that could use a corduroy-infused counterpart.

1. Corduroy Sleeping Masks: They might be a little itchy, but for those particularly cold plane and train rides, these would almost come in handy. It’s a lose-win, really.

2. Corduroy Shoelaces: These would add a nice bit of flair to any pair of shoes without being the person who is wearing neon laces (I’m looking at you, Uncle Kent). Plus, corduroy is a highly durable fabric so your laces would rip less, which I imagine isn’t really a common problem.

3. Corduroy Bathing Suit: This would not dry quickly or be of any practical function, but you would definitely stand out. Unfortunately, you would stand out as the idiot swimming in corduroy.

4. Corduroy Snapback (/Shameless Plug): I’ve got a cool one of these with a tiger on it. It’s blue. Oh, what do you know? Now there’s one with an eyeball on it. It’s black. Get it here in return for getting to read my writing.

5. Finally, Corduroy Undershirt: Extra warmth. Done.

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Things Parents Are Upset About

Remember when people (Republicans) were upset that Common was invited to the White House? Well, this isn’t really like that. Legendary porn star Sasha Grey recently visited a Compton, California elementary school to read to students and parents are outraged. While the public outcry against Common, a legendary wordsmith, was ridiculous and unfounded, I can empathize with parents not wanting the winner of 2010 AVN award for best anal sex scene to visit their children’s classroom.  How do you even introduce someone in her professional field to a group of kids? Grey, however, recently hung up her porn hat (or, put her clothes back on), and is now a published author and an actress in more mainstream films. So is it right for parents to criticize Emerson Elementary, who host several celebrity readers to no objection each year, and criticize Grey for her past employment? I don’t know. These are the questions of rhetoric that I can’t answer. After all, I’m not a parent.

Grey released a statement saying, “I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am.” Unfortunately, while her porn star past may not define her as a person, it does define her public image. She continued by saying that she will not let criticism keep her from participating in the Read Across America program. In response to Grey’s statement, all fathers of children attending Emerson Elementary feel it is necessary for them to monitor Grey’s readings. Wives disagree.

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Hip Hop/Occupy Wall Street/More Reasons People Dislike Jay-Z

It seems everyone’s got a problem with the Jigga man. This past week Rocawear clothing, co-created by Jay in 1999, released t-shirts reading “Occupy All Streets.” According to Rocawear the shirts were made “in support of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement…‘Occupy All Streets’ is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street.” It’s certainly a nice message, but when Rocawear failed to contribute any of the tee’s profits to the OWS movement, the 99% wasn’t having it, criticizing Jay for trying to make money off of their struggle. Responding in the least effective way possible, Rocawear pulled the shirt from their online store and erased any mention of it from their blog and website. You would think that a more logical move would have been to just contribute some of the shirt’s profits to the Occupy movement. But no, that apparently was not an option.

The whole approach to this situation is bogus. Criticizing Jay-Z himself, who sold the rights to Rocawear in 2007, now only retaining a stake in the company and overseeing marketing, licensing, and development is not productive. He may oversee development, but he certainly did not design the shirt himself. And while he has been photographed wearing the tee, another brand not helmed by a member of the 1% would likely not receive such criticism. To top it off, nobody wears Rocawear, so this whole mess is moot.

In wrapping up this week’s debrief, allow me to share some words of wisdom that I overheard this weekend while a guy from Ohio wearing a police hat and a flannel shirt unbuttoned down to the middle of his chest was trying to freestyle:

“I’m from Ohio. That’s why I smile. I’m from America!”

Amen.