PETA is fucking ridiculous man. Do they really expect people to take them at all seriously. I really think they probably don’t. They can’t. Anyway, their new axe to grind is with the Super Mario 3D Land, the Nintendo 3DS game that just came out this week. Apparently, they take great offense at the game’s Tanooki suit, AKA the raccoon power-up that lets you fly that we all know and love.
I mean, what?! The Tanooki suit is what PETA really thinks their time should be spent on. Do they really expect humans to play the game, and then go out and kill a raccoon to wear it’s skin so they can fly and get the warp whistle? That sounds pretty cool actually. Anyway, PETA went through the trouble of creating a little flash game where you play as a skinned raccoon and chase after a Tanooki’d Mario to try to reclaim your precious flesh. Check it out, it’s actually sorta fun. Maybe you’re not so bad PETA…
Goddamn I was a total pussy when I was a little kid. I’m sure I had no idea what the fuck chewing tobacco even was. I’ve only done it like twice anyway and it’s gross as shit even now. This kid has to be what, like 11? I honestly think he could probably kick my ass. I knew that the south was strange but this… this is amazing.
Can this really be real? I feel as though perhaps this is some sort of Andy Milonakis situation? I can’t even be mad at this kid though. He is just cooling so hard. He even talks about what he “used to dip.” Does he even realize how strange this is? What’s happening here? The internet man… the internet.
UPDATE: YouTube took down the video because they’re lame but I found it on this other site that doesn’t do embedding so check it out here. Or click the image up top to be taken to it
Actually, he don’t… He’s just got a new song called “I Got AIDS” which he claims is to help with AIDS awareness.
PLEASE EVERYONE I MADE THIS TO INFORM EVERYONE THAT I LOVE AND RESPECT AND EVERYONE THAT LISTENS TO MY MUSIC AND LOVES BASED TO PLEASE GET TESTED AND PROTECT YOURSELF AND PARTNERS
AND BE SAFE,
I WANT YOU TO NO IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU ARE AT RISK
PLEASE USE CONDOMS AND HAVE SAFE SEX,
PLEASE I LOVE YOU,
IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME UPLOAD A VIDEO OF YOU GOING TO GET TESTED AND SEND TO ME I WILL ALSO UPLOAD A VIDEO OF ME GETTING TESTED,
I LOVE YOU AND IF YOU ARE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE NO YOU HAVE SUPPORT – Lil B
So Lil B may or may not be gay and he may or may not have AIDS. Is this even controversial anymore? Oh Based God you Devil! Anyway, “I Got AIDS” will be released on Lil B’s upcoming mixtape, Basedgod Velli, which will be his 734th mixtape for the year.
This past week saw the occurrence of a presumably once-in-a-lifetime event: 11/11/11. Back in July I threw a party on the seventh just so I could tell people it was on 7/7, so in light of this neurotic tendency, I was beyond excited for November 11. I didn’t let myself get too excited because I have a problem of things not meeting my expectations; I also didn’t make a wish at 11:11 because I forgot. How cool would that’ve been if I had remembered? Pretty cool, I dare say. It would have for sure come true.
If you made a wish at this time don’t tell me about it. I won’t like you.
Holidays/Fashion/Egotism
Besides the numerical alliteration that occurred on the eleventh (if that’s even a thing), it was also National Corduroy Day. This widely unrecognized holiday is always a momentous day for me as I am self-nicknamed Corduroy. It’s not the first nickname I’ve given myself, but it is certainly one of the most accurate: I wear a lot of corduroy; I’m warm; I am best utilized in the Fall; I look great on most occasions. And there are even more reasons too, but after a while they get overly pompous.
For the love of corduroy, and in hopes of educating those unaware of Corduroy Day, here are some everyday products that could use a corduroy-infused counterpart.
1. Corduroy Sleeping Masks: They might be a little itchy, but for those particularly cold plane and train rides, these would almost come in handy. It’s a lose-win, really.
2. Corduroy Shoelaces: These would add a nice bit of flair to any pair of shoes without being the person who is wearing neon laces (I’m looking at you, Uncle Kent). Plus, corduroy is a highly durable fabric so your laces would rip less, which I imagine isn’t really a common problem.
3. Corduroy Bathing Suit: This would not dry quickly or be of any practical function, but you would definitely stand out. Unfortunately, you would stand out as the idiot swimming in corduroy.
4. Corduroy Snapback (/Shameless Plug): I’ve got a cool one of these with a tiger on it. It’s blue. Oh, what do you know? Now there’s one with an eyeball on it. It’s black. Get it here in return for getting to read my writing.
5. Finally, Corduroy Undershirt: Extra warmth. Done.
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Things Parents Are Upset About
Remember when people (Republicans) were upset that Common was invited to the White House? Well, this isn’t really like that. Legendary porn star Sasha Grey recently visited a Compton, California elementary school to read to students and parents are outraged. While the public outcry against Common, a legendary wordsmith, was ridiculous and unfounded, I can empathize with parents not wanting the winner of 2010 AVN award for best anal sex scene to visit their children’s classroom. How do you even introduce someone in her professional field to a group of kids? Grey, however, recently hung up her porn hat (or, put her clothes back on), and is now a published author and an actress in more mainstream films. So is it right for parents to criticize Emerson Elementary, who host several celebrity readers to no objection each year, and criticize Grey for her past employment? I don’t know. These are the questions of rhetoric that I can’t answer. After all, I’m not a parent.
Grey released a statement saying, “I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am.” Unfortunately, while her porn star past may not define her as a person, it does define her public image. She continued by saying that she will not let criticism keep her from participating in the Read Across America program. In response to Grey’s statement, all fathers of children attending Emerson Elementary feel it is necessary for them to monitor Grey’s readings. Wives disagree.
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Hip Hop/Occupy Wall Street/More Reasons People Dislike Jay-Z
It seems everyone’s got a problem with the Jigga man. This past week Rocawear clothing, co-created by Jay in 1999, released t-shirts reading “Occupy All Streets.” According to Rocawear the shirts were made “in support of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement…‘Occupy All Streets’ is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street.” It’s certainly a nice message, but when Rocawear failed to contribute any of the tee’s profits to the OWS movement, the 99% wasn’t having it, criticizing Jay for trying to make money off of their struggle. Responding in the least effective way possible, Rocawear pulled the shirt from their online store and erased any mention of it from their blog and website. You would think that a more logical move would have been to just contribute some of the shirt’s profits to the Occupy movement. But no, that apparently was not an option.
The whole approach to this situation is bogus. Criticizing Jay-Z himself, who sold the rights to Rocawear in 2007, now only retaining a stake in the company and overseeing marketing, licensing, and development is not productive. He may oversee development, but he certainly did not design the shirt himself. And while he has been photographed wearing the tee, another brand not helmed by a member of the 1% would likely not receive such criticism. To top it off, nobody wears Rocawear, so this whole mess is moot.
In wrapping up this week’s debrief, allow me to share some words of wisdom that I overheard this weekend while a guy from Ohio wearing a police hat and a flannel shirt unbuttoned down to the middle of his chest was trying to freestyle:
“I’m from Ohio. That’s why I smile. I’m from America!”
I’m sort of confounded by the meme-ification of Anti-Drug ads. The internet has been abuzz this morning about these new anti-meth ads by Darren Aronofsky, which if you watch the video, ortheseothers, are pretty much terrifying. I guess he wasn’t satisfied with his highly effective feature length PSA AKA Requiem For A Dream. That being said, isn’t it sort of ridiculous that people are contextualizing these ads by their artistic source?
I know I’m sorta having my cake and eating it too by posting this video on the blog as I lambaste it a bit, but this is no longer an anti-drug PSA in my mind. It’s a Darren Aronofsky short film that gets passed around by people as an impressive piece of work. Any sort of reality augmenting effectiveness it had is ruined by the presence of a known hand that we are aware makes it an artificial narrative. The actors in these aren’t meth-heads: they’re young actors that are probably happy as fuck right now because they got to work with Aronofsky. Anyway, rant over, enjoy the videos, get high on life!
It was recently announced that the popular children’s mystery book series, Where’s Waldo?, is going to be adapted for the big screen. I know, I’m hesitant too. The book’s reliance on reader interaction makes the series an odd choice for the film medium, but perhaps MGM, the studio that bought the rights to the series, are on to something. Here are a few ways that this movie may go down.
1. Live Action Search: One way that this movie might be formatted is as a direct recreation of the crowded page on the screen. That’s right: I’m thinking that perhaps this whole movie will be wide shots of thousands of people, and hidden among them will be our striped hero. The filmmakers will likely visit large, open, well-known places, like Times Square or the Grand Canyon, and just film a bunch of extras walking around with Tobey Maguire, who obviously will play Waldo. Then, audiences will be able to spend about fifteen minutes searching through each scene and shouting, “Hey, there he is! If found him!” This will certainly be a movie that shushers will want to skip.
Alternatively, the movie might just be large pictures of the actual pages of a Where’s Waldo? book. That could be cool.
2. 3D Search: With 3D technology infiltrating its way into more and more movies, perhaps the Waldo filmmakers will similarly make use of this gimmick. After applying 3D glasses, audiences will be able to see the Waldo-covering crowd all around them, and feel as though they are amassed in the search. Then, viewers who don’t know any better will run up to the virtual Waldo shouting about their discovery, and trying to grab hold of him, but because he will be virtual they will look like idiots. They might then also fall down, just because that would be something an idiot would do.
3. Interactive Search: One final way that this film might be produced is that individual theaters will hire actors to dress like Waldo and sit among the audience. The movie screen will indicate what the setting is, be it the Roman Colosseum or the alien farms of Area 51, and from the speakers music will play to match the displayed scene. The audience will then get up and walk around the theatre looking for the person dressed as Waldo.
Or, maybe instead of having the audience stand up and hunt for someone dressed like Waldo, the screen will display a part of the world and matching music will play and moviegoers will sit in their seats and all read Waldo books. That would be a ton of fun.
Whichever one of these three brilliant ideas is chosen, this movie is sure to be a classic, right up their with Scarface.
With so many monumental events unfolding this week — Kim Kardashian’s impending divorce and the announcement of a new James Bond film, to name two — it’s difficult to narrow down the scope and focus on the most important. I’m pretty sure I have not done that whatsoever.
Hip Hop (I guess): So it finally happened. After months of hanging out with Usher, getting remixed by Kanye, bringing the legendary Jaden Smith on stage, and finally getting denied participation in the BET Cyphers by DJ Premiere, Justin Bieber has now unleashed a freestyle on the world. This past week he showed up to Power 106 ready to spit over Kanye and Jay’s “Otis” beat. After the video, my first response was, “I wonder who wrote his rhymes.” The reason he was not accepted for the BET Cypher was that he reportedly requested that Ludacris write his rap, this conflicting with the strict Cypher laws that all rappers write their own rhymes. Do not be confused, I love the Biebs, but it was not an absurd thought that someone else had penned his freestyle.
I rescind such an idea. I went back and listened to the flow again, and it was certainly penned by JB. Or at least by Bieber and Jaden Smith. What gives it away is the whole multisyllabic double entendre attempt-turned-debacle that ensues around 1:04. The line in question is in regard to pop-star Selena Gomez, who the Biebs describes as perfectly perfect, like, five times, each time with the word perfect meaning the exact same thing. Big up Bieber! Additionally, when reviewing his flow it is incredibly insecure, particularly for the line abut thanking Jesus at award shows, which might just be a result of his inexperience as a rapper, but is likely also because he wrote this.
Shout out to JB. Look for his album, Watch The Beiber, coming soon. Wait, no. Look for his album, Biebmatic, coming soon. Oh, how about: Look for his album, Enter The 36 Biebers, coming soon. Yeah, that’s the one.
Sports: Detroit Lions fans are pretty upset. I would be too. It seems Nickelback was asked to play this year’s Thanksgiving Weekend matchup between the Lions and the Greenbay Packers. Lions fans have started a petition, and more than 6,500 people who understand that Nickelback create absolute garbage have signed. Here’s what some Lions fans have said:
“Is Nickelback Detroit? Does Nickelback have songs that reflect what we do in Detroit? What life is like? Nickelbacks’ music doesn’t even reflect a musical genre that has ever been popular in the city. It is not rock and roll, its a nasty hybrid of the worst manufactured music on the planet.”
“I’m a proud Canuck, but I’m with the folks of Detroit on this one. Nickelback sucks!!”
“Does anyone even like Nickelback? Is this some sort of ploy to get people to leave their seats during halftime to spend money on alcoholic beverages and concessions? This is completely unfair to those of us who purchased tickets to the game. At least the people watching at home can mute their TVs.”
That last quote is from the petition itself. Yeah Nickelback!
Food: I love Soup. That’s mostly all you’re going to get out of this section, incase you want to save yourself the read. I love Soup and now that it’s gotten pretty cold in New York I’ve been eating it all the time. On Halloween, I got hungry for some Soup and discovered an all Soup restaurant. There, they played Frank Sinatra, and gave unlimited bread, and had so many different kinds of Soup. I balled out at this place. It was possibly the most fun I’ve ever had.
Don’t ask me to pick a favorite soup, because that would be impossible. A lot of people liken it to picking a favorite child, which is not accurate because all parents secretly have a favorite (I’m an only child), but I understand what they mean. I can tell you that my favorite type of soup is creamy soup. Soups like Butternut Squash, Potato Leek, and Split Pea. Love those Soups.
Lately people have been criticizing me for tweeting about Soup. They say, “You tweet about soup too much,” and, “Stop tweeting about soup.” Well, I’m sure they are not going to like the end of this post then.
After investigating a slew of missing snack foods from the ’90s, it is safe to say we may have found them all, or otherwise deemed them lost forever. With that, let us turn our attention to snacks that are very much still with us today, but perhaps do not receive the type of attention that they should. With that, I present the new segment, Edible Spotlight.
Today the spotlight is on Delicje cookies. I recently received a surplus of these cookies as a gift, and being that I had never tried these, I was excited. Too excited, most likely. You see, I love treats: cookies, candy, pastries, bunt cakes; you name it, I probably like it a whole lot. Sometimes when I’m in the mood for something sweet I’ll say to someone, “Hey, let’s get a tasty treat.” They’ll usually say something like, “Shut up, dude. Just say, ‘snack.’” I never pay them much mind.
Delicje cookies are composed of three elements. First, there’s the soft, sponge cookie bottom, followed by fruit-flavored jelly on top and then coated in milk chocolate. I had about six packages of them. There was cherry, orange, apricot, lemon, raspberry, and apple. There might have only been five packs, now that I think about it, because I can’t recall what apple tasted like. I started with the apricot pack, on account of I love apricots. From the first bite I knew that this was not your average cookie. Delicjes are soft — very soft — and the combination of the artificial fruit flavor and the chocolate coating produced a weird taste.
That being said, I liked them.
Originally from Poland, the US producer of these bizarre treats is none other than Kraft Foods, which, as we all know, was started by a gang of witches and still uses witchcraft today to create their products. The cookies come in packs of ten, and before I knew it, I had eaten all fifty of the small, weird biscuits. The strangest thing about Delicje cookies, besides the “j”-following-a-”c” spelling (which, yes, it’s a Polish word, but whatever), is the texture of the jelly filling. It’s not just a loose jelly, held in place by the chocolate, it’s more like a jelly medallion.
Like I said, I liked these. However, I can’t actually imagine myself ever purchasing a pack. I ate them all, yes, but honestly you could put any kind of cookie in my house and it would be gone within a matter of hours. These just have such a weird texture, and as far as jelly filled cookies go, there are so many to choose from! I, myself, have always been a fan of the Pepperidge Farm Verona. Now that’s a cookie.
“Edible Spotlight.” I like that. Initially, I was going to call this segment “Eat That Treat!” but that sounded too demanding. And while I initially said that this segment would feature snacks that do not receive proper attention, I am amending that mission statement. Edible Spotlight will highlight both good and bad snacks. Of the good, there will be underrated treats, and of the bad there will be odd, disconcerting treats, sort of like Delicje cookies. And maybe sometimes we will even focus on actual edible sources of light. Probably not, but you never know.
I hate it when this happens. 28 year old, Pornpilai Srisroy destroyed her husband’sStar Wars toy collection. In retaliation, he did what any man of reason would and killed her.
Widower Rickie La-Touche, 30, told police that his memorabilia was smashed as a part of his wife’s campaign to “make his life hell.” After suffocating his unnapreciative wife, he reportedly ran sobbing to his mother’s house. This, really, is the only thing to do in a situation like this. I imagine once he told his mother what happened she was pretty disappointed that she never taught him the proper way to play with others.
“She’s put me through it before,” La-Touche told detectives, likely referring to when she smashed all of his Lego creations. He continued, “I couldn’t let that happen again. I then just remember getting up from on top of her. I think I’ve choked her.” Yeah, I think you’re right about that. He also told police that he was afraid his wife, originally from Thailand, was going to leave him. Now he doesn’t have to worry, because there is no chance of that happening.
This is fandom taken to a new level. Of course, this is likely not an issue of the toys at all, but a larger, martial issue. Not to discount Rickie’s love for Star Wars, as I’m sure before actually choking his wife he tried his best to force choke her. Additionally, he told authorities that his wife had once threatened to “cut him up and eat him.” Clearly she was a huge Hannibal fan. That, or rapper Big Lurch.
La-Touche was sentenced to a minimum time-out of twelve years. Additionally, he’ll be sent to bed with no supper.
Last Tuesday the coolest thing ever happened: A giant Lego man washed up on the shores of a Flordia beach. Measuring eight feet tall and weighing one hundred pounds, this Lego figure is a sign that I am always right about everything, as I have long said that the small Lego figures available in stores are the enslaved offspring of a larger Lego species living in the mysterious Bermuda Triangle.
The fiberglass figure was first discovered by a local Sarasota man during his morning walk. He initially believed the Lego man was beached marine life, apparently confused about what the definition of marine life is, but upon standing the figure up discovered its true nature. Once upright, he discovered the message printed on the figure’s chest: “NO REAL THAN YOU ARE”. He then proceeded to go home and watch The Matrix and question all reality.
Still no one is sure of the Lego’s origin. When asked about the appearance of the figure, one woman said, “I kind of think it’s from the UFO people, I really do.” She should never be considered a reliable source for anything ever again. Others are turning to the new Legoland park in Winter Haven (a place where absolutely no logic was used when naming the Florida town), which opened just ten days before the Lego gentleman appeared. If this were a publicity stunt by the park, or the Lego brand, it would be straight up one of the greatest ploys of all time. So far, however, they’re denying it.
The Lego man’s back reads, “EGO LEONARD.” A quick search of this name leads to the website of the Dutch artist of the same name. It turns out that this is not the first time an Ego Leonard Lego man has washed ashore. In 2007 a similar idol appeared on a beach in Holland, and then another one in 2008 in England. A translated message from the Ego man’s website reads as follows:
My name is Ego Leonard and according to you I come from the virtual world. A world that for me represents happiness, solidarity, all green and blossoming, with no rules or limitations.
Lately however, my world has been flooded with fortune-hunters and people drunk with power. And many new encounters in the virtual world have triggered my curiosity about your way of life.
You get it now? Yeah, me neither. While Ego’s identity and purpose are being determined, all we’ve got for sure is a case of wrongful imprisonment. It appears that the Ego who showed up in Florida will stay in police custody for three months. Look for many more giant Lego men to storm Florida shores with shirts reading “FREE EGO,” not to be confused, of course, with the Lego men who will soon arrive on California shores with shirts reading, “FREE EGGOS?” I like waffles.
