When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about the Cyberdemon from Doom. My fear of him was matched only by the creepy as fuck rendition of Satan in Passion of the Christ and Mel Gibson’s abusive phone calls to his ex wife. Now, bear witness to this nightmarish vision of hell that simultaneously empowers me and cripples me with fear.

Remember when Nancy finally figured out how to defeat Freddy? That’s how this video makes me feel: as if I’m stuck in my worst nightmare as 3000 Cyberdemons stalk me. Then, all of a sudden, the power is in my hands as I make them taste hot blasts of plasma from my BFG 9000. Perhaps I need to get out more. Anyway, shout out to all of my MS DOS posse.

You know all the crazy stuff that you see in our flagship stores? All the toys, collectible and other fun junk? Well, I have a horde of that stuff at my parents house in Florida and I decided to set up at this old school style comic & collectible show!

The Deland Central Florida Collecible show is one day only! If you are in the area, and into this kind of stuff you should def stop by! If meeting me wasn’t enough of incentive, you can get a signed photo of Paulie from the Godfather!

Sunday January 14th, 10am-5pm
Volusia County Fairgrounds
3150 E. New York Ave. (Hwy 44)
Deland, FL 32724
Admission: $3 (12 and under FREE with paid adult)

Games these days are far too easy, unless you’re the kind of sadist who plays Dark Souls. If, like myself, you’re not willing to go that far but find yourself craving the old-school thrills and ridiculous difficulty spikes of the NES’ heyday, then look no further.

Abobo’s Big Adventure is a grueling, hyper-violent homage to the glory days of home console gaming. Journey through some of your favourite NES classics as you tear off heads, warp through pipes and kick Donkey Kong in the groin.

Best of all is that you can play it now, for free, in your web browser and it even features the option (along with a handy little set-up guide) to play with a genuine NES controller.

A dude in a popular death metal band (which I won’t name) once told me that the only people who think Pantera is better than Slayer are from Florida. I’m from Miami Beach and drove hundreds of miles, skipped days of school, and creeped out so many Jr. High girls because of this band.

Today marks the 7th year anniversary of their guitar player’s murder. It’s an eternal bummer for me.

I was in seventh grade when the video for “Walk” premiered on Headbangers Ball. No spandex, no Van-Damme kicks, no make-up, just good ol’ boys in shorts playing that riff. That RIFF. THAT RIFF.

Game over, I was 12.

Mouth for War? Phil wrote that riff. New Level? Phil wrote that riff too. Walk? Yup, Phil. No one played it like Diamond Dimebag though. I’m not riding his decomposed jock here. Metal guitar players still can’t top this guy.

Who’s better??? Eddie Van Halen doesn’t count. Squealing out of this Dean ML. How the hell? The sickest. The illest.

@3:08

And dead. Has been for 7 years today. Some fuckface murderized him. Fuck that fuckface. Fuck his corpse. Fuck his Mom. There are people who I’ve met that hate metal. Thinks it sucks, hates it. But they love Pantera.

Black Tooth Grins for errbody. Here, here. To Dimebag Darrell. Amazingness.

Stand By Me (1986) // Directed by Rob Reiner

Vs.

The Goonies (1985) // Directed by Richard Donner

So some 20+ years later, what hold more weight? A coming of age drama or a coming of age comedic adventure? One had a bitchin’ Cyndi Lauper theme song, the other gave us “Lardass.” However they both do have Corey Feldman and Sean Astin (confused him with Bradley Gregg). What if only one could exist between the two, which would it be? What’s more important… personal relevance, cultural significance, or simply being the better film all other things aside? Choice is yours…

In celebration of MTV turning 30 years old this week, Stereogum went digging through the vaults, and decided to post up the first hour of programming the cable network ever saw fit to air. Upon sifting through this 60 minutes of television, I immediately found myself longing for a time when the entity known as Music Television actually scheduled content having to do with popular music. Considering the channel could have become a monumental flop, I’ve always felt it was a pretty bold move to come out of the gates with “Video Killed the Radio Star”, but I suppose leading off with this particular clip is evidence enough that the folks pulling the strings at MTV really felt like they were really onto something.

Considering the channel was supposed to be a relatively hip entity at the time of its inception, I was surprised at a number of the video selections they chose to include withing their inaugural hour. Granted, The Pretenders clip was probably a bit jarring at the time, but many of the ensuing videos that were shown featured a vast array of classic rock fossils and soft-rock schlock. I was half expecting to be inundated with Billy Idol sneers, and shots of Madonna writhing around in a wedding dress, but was instead given Cliff Richard and a balding Pete Townshend.

Now I love The Who as much as the next jerk, but I’d be willing to bet most youngsters didn’t run out to the record store to buy Face Dances upon seeing Roger Daltry don a heavily-shoulder-padded white blazer. This resentment could stem from the fact that I’ve always had some trouble backing a post-Moonie Who line-up, but how do you rationalize showing two Rod Stewart within your first 60 minute window? I’ll give MTV the benefit of the doubt on this one, and choose to believe that the pool of videos they were able to choose from at the time was pretty shallow.

Anyway, video content aside, these youtube clips act as a priceless pop-culture time capsule in our current reality-based television landscape. I’m sure most of the American population is acutely aware of the fact that The Buggles were given the opening slot on MTV, but I’ll guess that most folks had no idea that Pat Benetar’s ”You Better Run” was slotted second. While this chunk of info could only be described trivial in the grand scheme of things, this is the exact type useless knowledge that makes my brain tick. I live for this sort of retarded minutia, and I’m sure there are many more out there just like me.

When we last brought you an animation themed High Five, it dealt with the hot-button topic of overt racism in cartoons. While you certainly walk a slippery slope when commenting on an issue of this nature, I thought my blogging brother-in-arms Casper handled the whole affair in fine form. More recently however, it seems that many animators have smartly stripped their creations of most racial commentary, slipping a different brand of subversive material into their doodles. This new breed of edgy animators, whether they know it or not, have been including some pretty hazy sexual undertones in their work, which I’m sure has left some less-informed youngsters scratching their heads at times.

Before I get ahead of myself though, I’d like to state that I’m not specifically referring to the moments that Disney animators have placed an errant dick or butt into one of their animated features. Although it’s relatively impossible for me to keep a straight face when that priest gets the chubs in The Little Mermaid, we can save the “Best Cartoon Boners” list for another time. Rather, I wanted to look at some examples of the less-creepy sexual strokes cartoon-smiths employ when characterizing their creations. If you’ll allow me to use a pretty hackneyed expression here, it’s become unclear nowadays as to which team some cartoon characters are batting for.

With today’s post, I’ll be counting down some of our favorite ambiguously gay cartoon characters, speaking a bit on some of their more flamboyant tendencies along the way. I may also quickly touch on the reasons why we here at Мишка might have our sneaking suspicions when it comes to a toon’s specific orientation. Also — even though they’re the lead image — I thought I should mention that I won’t be included The Ambiguously Gay Duo in the context of the list, as this would be both super obvious, and completely bone-headed.

So without any further ado, let’s smash the champagne bottle on this big gay cartoon cruise ship, and get things underway.

5. The Gromble [Aaahh!!! Real Monsters] (1994-1997)

While this headmaster’s sexually orientation was never specifically referenced throughout the course of any Aaahh!!! Real Monsters episodes (for obvious reasons), you’d have every right to believe the creature was anything but heterosexual. At face value, Gromble tended to dress in a particularly feminine fashion, regularly wearing what appeared to be red lipstick, accompanied by a couple pairs of red high heels.

This stern task master was also quite prone to mood swings, and would often exhibit diva-like behavior on the reg. Gromble could switch modes from sacharine sweet, to blowing his top, at the drop of a hat. Although, this isn’t necessarily a definitive sign of homosexual behavior, I really just keep going back to that set of high heels he would constantly wear.

—–

4. Starscream (Transformers) [1984-1988]

On paper, there is nothing overtly homosexual about this particular Deceptacon. A nefarious robot that can transform into a supersonic jet sounds more terrifying than anything else. When coupled with the vocal talents of voice actor Christopher Collins, however, an entirely new dimension is added to Megatron’s second in command. Starscream was immediately transformed into the cattiest and most persnickety of Transformers villains, lashing out with that trademark semi-lisp of his every chance he got before launching into a submissive sycophant around Megatron.

Christopher Collins also gave his voice to Cobra Commander in the original G.I. Joe television series, and presented that particular baddie with his similar trademark feminine cackle. While I would have also liked to have included Cobra within the list, a separate G.I. Joe character will be turning up later on, who really takes the gay cake in this particular department.

(more…)

Here comes a dose of nostalgia for you: Crispy M&M’s. Remember those? They were almost identical to traditional M&M’s in appearance, though slightly bigger and featured a crispy rice center. They were great. I’m not even that big of an M&M fan; I don’t particularly like the Traditional ones, or the Peanut ones really, though the Peanut Butter variety are superb. There was just something irresistible about the Crispy M’s. Unfortunately, like all the greatest supplemental snacks, treats such as 3D Doritos, Starburst Fruit Twists, and Reese’s Crunchy Cookie Cups, Crispy M&M’s eventually vanished from store shelves, and in time, memories.

I’ve been studying the disappearance of Crispy M&M’s for a while now, finally feeling as though I’ve amassed enough research to present my findings. First, the facts: Crispy M’s were reportedly discontinued in the US in 2005. When I questioned M&M parent comany, Mars, Inc., regarding the matter, they had this to say: “Because we are reviewing our marketing strategy, this product is unavailable at this time…The product cannot be purchased via the Internet nor directly from us.” Seems suspicious, don’t you agree?

I guess it’s not that suspicious, just unfortunate. Though it is curious that Mars, Inc. would choose to discontinue what is ranked as the most profitable type of M&M of all time.

Since 2005 I’ve remained hopeful that Crispy M&M’s would one day return to the US. After all, they are still sold in Europe and parts of Asia, so why not bring them back?  In April 2010, however, I became doubtful of their eventual reemergence with the introduction of Pretzel M&M’s. In addition to having the same vibrant light blue packaging as Crispy M&M’s, Pretzel M&M’s feature the Benedict Arnold of the candy world, the Orange M&M, as their mascot. This means that were Crispy M&M’s to return, they would have to go through a total repackaging, including new bag color and mascot, the prospects of which are unlikely.

It’s not that Pretzel M&M’s are bad, per se. They’re fine. Yeah, they were awarded a 2011 Product of the Year by Product of The Year USA. Whatever. They’re just not an adequate heir to the Crispy Throne.

I caught wind of a new strain of M, Crispy Mint, available down in Australia back in ’06. None of my Australia contacts (of which there are none) could confirm their existence, but a simple Google search yielded photo evidence of the product. Rumor has it that once the chocolate exterior was penetrated the peppermint flavor was incredibly overpowering. Additionally, the Crispy Mint packaging, featuring both the female Green M and the turncoat Orange M, was the last time Orange was pictured as an ambassador of Crispy M&M’s. And man did he look nervous! He clearly had already made, or at least begun, the switch over to the Pretzel side and was nervous about being found out.

I got you, Orange. Traitor.

As of this writing, it’s unlikely that we will see Crispy Mint M&M’s available in the US anytime soon, except for the eerily similar M&M Mint Crisp variety that were released in 2008 to coincide with the release of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull.

There was just something about the Crispy M’s. They were unlike any other candy. Well, I guess they were actually just like every other candy made of milk chocolate and crispy rice. Regardless, I really liked them. They are still available for purchase through international online retailers, but it’s not the same. I was initially hesitant to take up the Crispy M&M case, fearful for the answers that I may find. And find them I did. While there are still murmurs among the streets that the crispy rice candy may one day make it back to our shores, for the time being, Crispy M&M’s are gone. Case closed.

If you’re not one to follow our humble bloglin on a day-to-day basis, let me just say that posts inspired by the 1990′s have been popping up more and more frequently lately. Everything was peace and free love back then, and it seems that summer 2011 marks the precise moment that folks have officially become prepared to relive this wonderful bygone era. Just this past week, we saw both Nirvana and Beavis and Butthead articles grace the digital pages of our fine website. I consider myself a 90′s kid through and through, so I must cop to reveling in this movement. Nostalgia is a strong drug, and I can’t get enough of the stuff!

Anyway, you may have heard that Nickelodeon recently decided to begin airing a chunk of vintage programming each evening, which would focus primarily on shows and toons cultivated throughout the 90′s. The scheduling change was specifically designed to cater to the twenty-somethings who came of age throughout this particular era, and would begin each week night at 12:00 AM. I’m assuming that the savvy programmers over at Nickelodeon HQ also smartly figured this decision might appeal to the weed headz who tend to do their dirty deeds as most weeknights draw to a close. Whatever the case, the entire undertaking probably seemed like a cheap and lucrative business opportunity for the cable channel.

According to a feature published by The Washington Post, “The block began to take shape last summer, when a group of young Nickelodeon interns gave a presentation to Nick executives. They claimed that “Bringing back classic Nickelodeon is a real digital opportunity””. These very same execs must have eventually decided the idea represented more than a shot at gaining some foothold in the viral video game, as we’re currently being presented with a full two hours of this stuff every night. Doug, All That, Kenan and Kel, Clarissa Explains It All, among myriad other programs, will now be beamed straight to your giant flat-screen on a nightly basis for our viewing pleasure.

Entitled The 90′s Are All That, Nickelodeon started airing their new programming block this past Monday, and the results of the experiment are already in. According to a report filed by Vulture, the move was an unmitigated success on all fronts. They claim that “Among viewers 18–34, the demo Teen Nick is targeting in late-night, The 90s attracted ratings roughly 850 percent higher than the channel’s previous time-period average in the midnight-to-2 a.m. block”. Utilizing the tagline “Remember When Life Didn’t Suck” (seriously) to market the new late-night feature, it seems that Nickelodeon may really be onto something here.

If we’re to take the success of this new 90′s-centric marketing ploy as any indication, it seems that there will be more of this type of nostalgia driven programming to be spoken for in the near future. As a youngster who may or may not have bought a green sweater vest at one point, in an attempt to better resemble his favorite cartoon character, I’m sure you can surmise which sort of feelings this 1990′s resurgence has conjured up for me… I’ll probably end up watching the hell out of all this shit.

This evening, I quickly wanted to touch on a subject that’s very near and dear to my heart. As a youngster, I fancied myself as somewhat of a Kung Fu film enthusiast, but generally stuck to the lighter Asian fare of Jackie Chan flicks. Considering I was a middle school-aged dork at the time, and barely had a dial-up modem at my disposal, hardcore Karate shit was generally pretty hard to run across. Basically, I was out of luck if I wanted to see anything that couldn’t be found nestled within the modest action section of my local Movies Plus. Suffice it to say that I watched BloodSport more often than would be advisable.

Around the time of my Kung Fu discontent, Comedy Central had just been picked up by the local cable provider which catered to my home town. While the network was mostly screening that horrible game show Make Me Laugh at the time, you could potentially catch a solid SNL re-run every so often if you were lucky. I think they were screening The Gods Must Be Crazy quite a bit back then too. Anyway, The Daily Show with Craig Kilborn had just premiered as well, and I thought it was pretty awful on the whole. I perceived Kilborn as an arrogant turd since his days anchoring Sports Center, and really had no interest in watching him crack wise on current events or hit on actresses.

One portion of his show that I did enjoy, however, was the 10 or 20 seconds prior to him asking his guest an arbitrary 5 questions every night, in which they would loop some clip of a giant Asian fellow smashing another guy’s head to oblivion. The clip was both super stupid, and totally outrageous, but I was kind of obsessed with the thing. Sooner or later I was able to track down the name of the film from which the excerpt was lifted, and even locate a copy of the entire film at a newly open Blockbuster franchise that had popped up around my house. Essentially, the stars had aligned, and had granted me the opportunity to watch one of the dumbest things ever laid to celluloid.

The movie in question is entitled Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, was released in 1991, and could best be described as containing elements of Mortal Kombat, Cool Hand Luke and Big Trouble in Little China. Really though, the thing is mostly just horrible. The Story of Ricky outlines the journey of a fellow named (you guessed it) Ricky, who is crazy good at fighting, and possesses an unwavering moral compass. I should also mention that Ricky has the power to maim the jerks he fights with a single strike, punching the flesh off human bones with the greatest of ease. The movie makes an effort to explain how our hero obtained this super power at one point, but the back story is basically erroneous for the most part.

Anyway, Ricky is thrown into the slammer at the outset of the film, and decides, for one reason or another, to take down the four criminal bosses who control each of the four wings of the prison. The plot is straightforward enough, but the special effects end up taking center stage here, as the amount of gore that is shoved down the viewer’s throat is truly remarkable. All the exploding appendages and organs may not appear totally life-like throughout, but I get the sense that the folks behind Riki-Oh were never striving to pound out a piece of Kelly Reichardt-esqu Neorealism.

I was going to rank my favorite fights from the film in ascending order awesomeness, but I tend to love each one as much as the last. There’s simply no way I could Sophie’s choice these brawls even if I tried. They all mean too much to me. Riki-Oh provided one of those transcendent experiences as a kid, where a piece of art, film or music makes the leap from appearing as one the dumbest things ever, to eliciting some crazy fandom. I’ve heard folks describes similar experiences while listening to The Ramones eponymous debut, and I can understand that. The violence here might at first be off-putting for some, but I’m sure you’ll be applauding each splintered bone and exposed intestine by the time the credits roll on Ricky.