Somewhere out there, unbelievable as it may be: someone is surprised that Dead Space 3 wasn’t a resounding success. Whoever that may be clearly doesn’t see the issue with watering down a great horror game so much that it becomes a tepid co-op shooter with faux-RPG elements. In fact, if you think of all the meetings and work hours this game went through in order to get made, it’s startling to think that nobody suggested how fucking awful an idea the game was. In actuality, they probably did, but they then met with some sort of comedic ejection procedure (my money is on tossed from a first storey window by two burly security guards).

Thank Dead Space 3 for fucking up horror gaming for the rest of us: no doubt convincing investors that the genre is a lame duck. Next, thank Bethesda for being confident enough to get Shinji Mikami making a proper horror game. Dreams can come true.

I honestly never though that I’d see this happen. I was convinced that horror gaming, after taking it in both ends from the double-stacked shit-parade of Dead Space 3 and Resident Evil 6, would be well and truly dead. No doubt, Mikami had his fill of seeing the genre he so effectively defined treated like a shameful jizz sock and decided that enough was enough. Strapping on his Devilman costume, Mikami storms the Bethesda board room and demands that they finance his latest project, so that he may restore honour to this once mighty genre. Admittedly, the whole process was probably a bit more business-like and formal, but the result is still the same. The master has had to come out of the shadows to show these dick kids how it’s done.

Mikami’s return to the genre doesn’t just excite me for the possibilities, but also brings with it an almighty wave of nostalgia. After all, this is the man who brought us Resident Evil 4 – a game so perfect in its execution that I wonder why anybody else ever tries anything other than copying it wholesale. RE4 is a masterpiece, for many reasons, but above all else, it is the balance between fear and empowerment that makes it work so well. Reassuringly, Mikami acknowledges this horror formula in the following video: single-handedly breaking it down for Visceral Games and the dicks so intent on crushing his legacy over at Capcom. Let’s hope that they’re taking notes so we get at least a few more decent horror games before the impending nuclear holocaust finally reduces our world to ashes.

For a second though, let’s just remember that the legacy of true fear in video games is not quite as dead as I’d like it to be (for dramatic purposes). From Software’s Souls series pretty much holds the monopoly on terror right now. They aren’t games that strike fear into the player’s heart through cheap shots and scare tactics, but rather it is the gameplay that has players on edge. So whilst I don’t actually defecate onto my cheeks like some grim fold painting, the gurgling sensation in my colon is always there. Fear works in the Souls series because it dictates the way you play: it forces you to watch the corners, proceed with caution, creep precariously and hate yourself for each and every stupid risk you take. For me, though, the fear that came from playing both Dark Souls and Demons Souls was actually too effective. Certain bosses became too intimidating, certain areas proved totally impenetrable and the fear, more often than not, stemmed from the possibility of a two-hour play session resulting in nothing but death and failure. The Souls games, along with their relishing of multiple player deaths have never made any bones about their punishing nature, so I’ll forgive them. I knew what I was getting into and I know that there are millions of players out there who crave this kind of game and the time investment it requires. More power to ‘em: but I just couldn’t stick it out.

What the Souls series lacks is that panic-induced sense of fear. It misses out of the raw thrill of a last-minute headshot that just barely saves your life. As Mikami is keen to mention, it’s this unique sense of empowerment that makes horror games so much fun. It’s beyond reassuring, comforting even, to hear Mikami talk about this because it is such a fine and temperamental element, yet one that is integral to the enjoyment of a game such as Resident Evil 4. You can’t exactly place this sensation into a game, it’s not as simple as combining sound, visuals and controls to create a perfect formula for satisfaction, but you can work the elements in such a way that those last-minute headshots, those instances of unforeseen empowerment can be made to feel completely natural. The head pops like a ripe watermelon, your heart rate calms as you stare in disbelief at the corpse now disintegrating just to the left of the ominous, red zero on your ammo counter. You feel like a fucking badass. It’s the ability to hinge a game’s design upon moments like these that makes Resident Evil 4 such a fantastic game, and gives Mikami the master status that he so rightfully holds. There’s a good reason that dorks like me get so excited over him making a new game: it’s because his control and direction of a game’s elements is something akin to a conductor, an artist: making each particle work to create something so perfect that you start to question whether you’re dealing with straightforward, digital information any more. If Mikami remembers his legacy, then The Evil Within will be the Survival Horror game that fans so desperately need.

Week in, week out, I find that I give fewer and fewer fucks about my greatest love: video games. Something about the world has changed recently: perhaps it’s a winding down as the console generation nears to a close, or maybe the industry has just plain run out of ideas. Whichever the case may be, I can’t help but wonder why anybody other than dedicated, pathetic losers like myself would be inclined to care. Abruptly, he slaps himself across the face with a force that ejects two fillings and a week’s worth of shitty debris that previously resided underneath his grubby fingernails. God-fucking-dammit, man! This is your one-true, your reason d’etre! C’mon, surely I can muster up a handful of halfway adequate reasons to deter any other would-be quitters. Here goes.

The People

Whilst Keita Takahashi is lost to a world of artistically driven obscurity and 16-button custom arcade machines, we can still rely on a gathering of ingenious and passionate creative minds that are dedicated to keeping gaming interesting. Alongside heavy-hitters such as Suda 51 and Ken Levine, we have the lesser-knowns; Phil Fish; cult star Swery 65, as well as the teams over at Dennaton and Capybara Games. Don’t ask me why the nick-names include numbers. My best guess, though: android model numbers.

Gaming is also fortunate enough to have such exuberant personalities as Yoshinori Ono and everybody’s favourite bro, Cliffy B, a.k.a Dude Huge, a.ka. Cliff Bleszinski. And where would we be without Hideo Kojima? A man, who now into his fifties, has yet still to recognise just how mental he is. This tentative grip on sanity has benefited game design for decades so far and I hope more in the future. Whilst the gaming landscape may look a little bleak and undernourished right now, it’s my faith in the creativity of these people, along with the ones that I forgot to mention, that has me believing it won’t be too long before gaming flourishes again.

The Future

The future of gaming is increasingly independent. As bigger budget games collapse under the weight of their own pomposity, smaller, more focussed and importantly, cheaper, games will swoop in to fill the gap in gamer’s hearts. I’m not suggesting that kids are going to have formative, record-store-style moments like that time the rubenesque goth from Spiller’s Records introduced me to Bad Brains, at least not yet anyway, but there is going to soon come a time when the independent market is a viable alternative for nearly every type of customer.

Perhaps naively, I hold out a lot of hope for the next generation, too. Gaming has become so stagnant lately, that I’ve pinned my hopes on the new console generation giving the whole scene an almighty kick up the ass. Like, I want that foot lodged right up there and the boredom to come shooting out of its filthy mouth with gusto. So, let’s just blindly hope that this new coat of paint will make everything better, you know, like when a struggling couple foolishly brings a child into the world to kick-start the relationship, when really all it does is drive them further apart and make some poor little sod bitter and resentful for eternity. Life sucks, but gaming may not.

The other possibility that the future brings is the kind of gaming we were promised in the 90′s. If I asked that chubby little turd that was my ten-year-old self what did he think gaming would be like in 2013, he would have probably come up with something close to what you see in this video:

Shit just got real. This is a omnidirectional treadmill prototype being used in conjunction with an Oculus Rift headset. Not everybody wants to be flailing and jiggling along with their favourite game, except me. Working out and playing decent video games at the same time sounds like a match made in heaven. When this technology becomes affordable and practical, I’ll probably be too old to give a shit, and definitely too old to write another self-convincing post like this. I’ll just watch on with glee as my bitter and resentful children enjoy a five-minute respite from my over-zealous and unflinchingly sterile parenting style.

The Past

Whenever the future, or present lets you down, you can’t beat a bit of good old-fashioned nostalgia. The MTV neon-liquid-shit face assault getting you down? Man, Netflix has whole series’ of Dexter’s Lab. Chill. The same goes for games: there are some constants that we can always rely on. I’ll take playing Street Fighter until death if I have to. Fuck it. I’d be a machine without the distraction of new releases anyway. My Balrog would be the stuff of nightmares.

It’s often been the case that gaming’s intrinsic relationship with technology has allowed games to feel dated, old before their time. But, as the medium matures and more of us come to appreciate the essential mechanics that go into making a good game, then the past becomes a lot easier to fall back upon. Nobody’s criticising Monopoly, Scrabble or Risk for being out of date. Sure, the boxed product formula may not always be here, but those solid, well-formulated rules will always remain. A good game, in whatever format is just that: a good game and luckily for gamers there is a tear-inducing wealth of content to be pillaged.

What gaming’s past also affords us is a wealth of certifiably rad creative content. Tumblr in particular is full of gif-makers, comic artists and writers all celebrating the age of pixels and scan lines. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my favourite Capcom background character getting a dedicated animated gif. There’s something special about being able to re-purpose and enjoy this kind of minutiae and it’s something that’s almost exclusive to gaming. Follow VGJunk: trust me.

So, go play the classics. Repent for your sins, accumulate some cultural capital and play cult favourites. You have until the end of the world, after all.

If all else fails, just remember that Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon is coming out any minute. Have you seen the trailer yet?

This game looks, frankly, fucking ridiculous and is just the kind of thing I never imagined actually getting made. The designers were only allowed to create costume items of around $100 real-world value, it has Michael Biehn in it and is full to the gills with VHS nostalgia goodness. Hip though it may be, there’s little denying how much fun this looks. Far be it from me to pin the hopes of a medium on a single title, but it’s hopefully a good indication for things to come. As the landscape grows increasingly stale, perhaps more designers and major studios will take the time to flex their creative muscles and at least try to make us laugh.

If we’re going to pin our hopes on a single title, let’s make it GTA V. After all, these games induce years of hyped-up cock rubbing and lust. They promise the earth and usually, just about deliver. I swear, that if I don’t come out of that game with a new, hopeful outlook and some relentless positivity, then I’m going to quit. I’m going to piss all of my hard-earned money away on Warhammer 40,000 models. I’m going to gain fifty pounds, switch out water for full-fat cola and retreat into a nerdy wank-cave for the next ten years without even questioning my life’s total lack of direction. I’ll do it, video games, I really will. Don’t create that monster.

You know what sucks? Devices that aren’t perpetually connected to the Internet. And do you know who sucks? That’s right, the kind of pricks that don’t have flawless connections and maybe even live in rural areas. I mean, seriously, where the fuck do those guys get off? This, ladies and gentlemen, is the future of video game customer relations, courtesy of Microsoft. Prepare your anus, and start saving for that PS4, because Microsoft are so unbelievably cool that they don’t even want your business. Yeah, #dealwithit.

All your carts belong to the RetroN5

In America, as I understand it, you have cool things like flea markets and thrift stores, where you can pick up all sorts of bizarre crap that you had never previously realised you needed. Here in the UK we have pound shops. Before I really understood that pound shops were essentially an extension of the dodgiest guy in town’s car boot, they were filled with wonder, Robotech toys that only I wanted, bootleg G.I. Joe figures and the crappiest Skeletor I ever loved. These places also had their fair share of confusing, often Chinese, electronics and suspiciously alluring games consoles. Even as a kid I was sharp enough to know that my Game Boy wasn’t going to run Streets of Rage, but damn did I always wonder.

In comes Hyperkin, like a mighty falcon clutching my hazy childhood memories in its talons. “Hey kid, remember that all-encompassing console that was too good to be true? I’m about to rock your fucking world!” He seemed to say. And with that, the RetroN 5 slaps me square in the face with its ability to play just about every retro cartridge I’d want to get my palms on.

“..the console supports Nintendo, Famicom, SNES, Genesis (plus Mega Drive), and Game Boy Advance (with Game Boy/Color support), all over HDMI, with controller ports for NES, SNES, and Genesis controllers, as well as its own wireless Bluetooth controllers. The company plans to make the controllers remappable and usable cross-platform, but those features are still in the works.The console upscales old games to HDMI with special image processing to make them look decent on HD screens. It also supports save states just like emulators do, with an SD card slot to store saves. Furthermore, you can speed up gameplay and remap the Bluetooth controller buttons to control these features.

Hyperkin doesn’t have a firm price or release date, but is hoping to release the console around July for less than $100.”

Simply put, this thing is a fucking beast.

Rock Band Says Goodbye With American Pie

This week, Rock Band and the hard-working people behind it bid farewell to the world with the last ever piece of in-game downloadable music. Don Maclean’s American Pie seems like a more than apt choice, one that’s sure to tug on the heartstrings of dedicated fans. The emotional and awkward video above showcases the people who have worked on the title over the years and forces them, seemingly against their will, to perform in public. Personally, I love watching people in such a vulnerable state. They’re already emotionally fragile, but now they’re being forced to display their bedroom-rockstar personas to the entire Internet. My personal favourite is ‘Vacation Viking’ (1:19).

I’m going to miss Rock Band and its constant stream of content. Whilst there’s a comprehensive library still at hand, it still kicks me to know that the series is done. Above the warm words, the finality of it all and the apt song choice that have all made me a little teary-eyed over this news, nothing hurts more than the knowledge that I will never get to perform any of my favourite Whigfield songs.R.I.P.

Will Wright Wants To Make Our Memories Into A Card Game For Aliens

Will Wright, the creator of The Sims, Spore and Sim City is about the only games designer who can really claim to ‘be on some next level shit’. The dude creates concepts that nobody else would dream of, or bother to make workable, but Will Wright ain’t got time for your nay-saying reality: he’s got boundaries to expand.

Not content with creating a game that allowed me to place a much-despised A.I. In a 1 x 1, shit and vomit filled death box, Will Wright is trying to define what it is to be human. At this year’s Games Developers Conference, he proposed a cloud-based (and totally cloud and totally based) card game that works with your most cherished memories.

“Wright explained to an awed crowd his vision for a card game that created a collective consciousness of people’s memories, which would culminate in the data cloud created by our smart devices. The way it works is that players’ would rank their strongest, most-treasured emotions from one to ten; their first car, their first kiss, their wedding, whatever. He referred to this as “a personal memory deck.”

The idea behind this entry into the conceptual design challenge is to provide an accurate representation of humanity that would effectively communicate with an alien species. I bet Will filled the cup when he read that brief.

Luckily, the ideas don’t go any further than the conceptual stage, as I can’t see how you can competitively rank memories against each other. I’ll be damned if someone tries telling me that their wedding day is more important than the time I saw that guy get his dick stuck to a frozen window.

Lucasarts Dies At Mickey’s Gloved Hand

I really hope I’m not the one that’s delivering this sad news to you, but earlier this week, Disney closed down Lucasarts games. That’s right, those cold-hearted, jolly good-time fucks closed down the gaming studio that raised me better than my parents did. In spite of this darkness, the legacy of Lucasarts’ graphic adventures will live on, in the hearts and minds of sarcastic, try-hard smart asses such as myself, and half of the game journalism world, it seems. Pour one out on the kerb whilst you watch this video.

David Hayter Won’t Be In MGS 5

I spent a lot of time playing Metal Gear Solid as a kid, but I never really cared for Snake. Nah, I always wanted to hang out with Vulcan Raven, get badass tattoos and hope that one day he’d let me rock that ridiculous chaingun of his. Dude was a fucking tank. That said, I can’t imagine how weird it would be to play a Metal Gear game that didn’t have David Hayter voicing everyone’s favourite wartime philosopher. Whatever nostalgic notions we cling to, this is what’s going to happen, as David Hayter will not be reprising his role for the forthcoming Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. In an extended Twitter post, Hayter had this to say:

“If it were my choice, I would do this role forever. To hear anyone else’s voice coming from Snake’s battered throat, makes me a little ill, to be honest.

But the truth is — it’s not my choice. Any and all casting decisions are the sole purview of Hideo Kojima, and Konami itself. And that’s fair.”

The change seems to coincide with Kojima’s plans to make MGS5 a distinctly new Metal Gear game, although he has yet to reveal who the new voice actor will be. A whole generation have grown up accustomed to Hayter’s ridiculously-exaggerated gruff delivery and their cries will be heard all over the internet. For them, my advice is to remember that you’re dealing with Kojima: the man who replaced Snake as the protagonist of his own series and made us play through MGS 2 as the effeminate man-boy, Raiden. I’d just bend over and take it, if I were you.

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And so, we end this week’s Press Start with one prevalent message: if there’s something you don’t like in the world of gaming, just take it. Bend over, spread wide and thank the makers for the opportunity. Or vote with your wallet, whatever.

It’s after this holiest of holy weekends that I like to give thanks to the lord baby Jesus for giving us the gift of video games, for introducing the concept of extra lives and, most importantly, dying for our sins so that we are all able to wallow in our own filth whilst we gaze into the screen for an entire weekend, shoveling poultry and confectionery down our unrelenting gullets.

Thank you, Jesus.

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Yu Suzuki discussing Shenmue 3 ‘strategy’

After a quick Google search, I can know confidently tell you that Mark Cerny is a games programmer who has worked on titles as far back as Sonic 2 and Kid Chameleon, and more recently the likes of Uncharted and Killzone 3. The guy also happens to be the lead architect for the PS4. He’s been discussing strategy for Shenmue III with series creator, and all-round gaming god, Yu Suzuki.

I know I’ve posted about this sort of thing before, several times in fact, but for a Shenmue fan, news like this is enough. Collectively, we know that it probably won’t ever happen, but if we believe, then it just may. In the traditon of religion and this holy weekend, I’m going to ignore fact and go for belief: I’m taking this nugget all the way to the bank.

With the PS4′s inevitable focus on digitally distributed content, a project like Shenmue could flourish. Not only does it have a dedicated fanbase, just waiting to be told which console to buy in order to continue the legend of Ryo Hazuki, but the scale of the project lends itself to cutting back on packaging/distribution costs and an episodic structure. Just tell me what, or whom, I have to sacrifice in order to make this happen.

Zelda gets the Nic Cage add-on it always needed

Did you ever play through The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask and wonder just where the fuck Nic Cage was? The dude is certifiably the best crazy man in the business, surely he could have helped weird up the proceedings in a game about a fast-approaching creepy moon dead-set on smashing up Hyrule.

If, like me, you think most things could be improved with Mr. Cage’s presence, then you’ll get a thrill out of this. Majora’s Mask modded to include Nic’s face at just about every available opportunity: the stuff of nightmares/dreams, depending on your disposition

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Experienced IDGA member leaves after exotic dancer incident

It’s shameful to admit, but culturally, video games are stuck in the distant past. For all of the technological advances that the medium makes, it still has the unforgiving reputation of being a Boy’s Club, especially when it comes to promo events and the like, you know, the kind that overflow with “booth babes”.

Brenda Romero is not only one of the most experienced people in the video games industry, but, up until a few days ago, she was a member of the Independent Game Developers Association: a non-profit organisation that supports members of the game development community. Romero resigned after learning that erotic dancers were hired for an IGDA party following the Game Developers Choice Awards.

In an industry that’s been marred by claims of misogyny and adolescent behaviour lately, this probably wasn’t a smart move. The most fair and equal solution is to have boy/girl dancers, or failing that, three live sex shows: girl-on-girl, guy-on-guy and girl-on-guy. This way, everyone can get off in a suitable manner and no-one is a sexist. I fully expect the IDGA to hire me after that brainwave.

Killer is Dead continues its mental assault crime-wave

Hey! Check it out! It’s only a brand-new Killer Is Dead trailer. By this point I’m assuming I don’t need to espouse the brilliance of Suda 51 and Grasshopper Manufacture. Crowbar open those tired, jaded eyes and let the rain-slicked noirish cartoon visuals flow into your tubing, let the pomposity, ridiculousness and lack of fuck-giving fill your heart with joy as you realise that it’s not only Ken Levine who gets to do whatever the hell he pleases with his games.

Dishnored devs manage to get April Fools’ right

It’s pretty difficult siphoning news out of the April Fool’s sluice valve at this time of year, not to mention the many pitfalls that await you, like believing that most game developers are as funny as they think they are. You are not Tim Schafer. With that said, let’s revel in the mirth of this ‘Underground’ Dishonored play through with developer narration. It’s refreshing to see games developers taking the piss out of the ridiculous things that some spend their time programming and building. I’m almost certain that Crysis 3 boasted having plants that grew in real-time at one point. Strictly for my cynical nerd fam, this one.

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It would be so much easier if I could just bring myself to make up whatever stories I felt like for April Fools, but I once got into trouble for making a Facebook group that claimed Ron Howard was a really big supporter of lead (PB) and I got some pretty threatening e-mails. Lesson learned. Stay cool, Ron.

The world of video games is an industry powered by the inane grins of fuckwitts flailing to Just Dance and the sweaty wank-palms of teens prestiging for the nineteenth time on Black Ops II. Occasionally though, this fecal assembly line spews out the odd gem, inspires the odd moment of creativity and even showcases some of the most inventive minds working today. I guess, on the whole, it isn’t quite so bad. Perhaps I should put my cynicism aside. “What’s that? Assassin’s Creed with pirates? You mean the only decent mechanic in the entire of Ass Creed III was simply to test the market for the next title?” Excuse me whilst I wretch over the starboard bow. No wonder I’m so cynical. Before I hurt someone, here’s a round-up of the less-shit things that happened in gaming this week.

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Japanese Built American Psycho

Certified Youtube star Eddie Wong still manages to impress and entertain with his ongoing pillaging of video game culture and mastery of special effects software. Just when I think I’ve had enough of videos showing just how hilarious it is when the constraints of a game character are brought to the fore by placing them in real-life situations, he drops this gem.

Metal Gear Solid’s Raiden meets Patrick Bateman in this showcase of slick CG wizardry with a fairly well-matched voiceover. Kudos to you, Mr. Wong, kudos. Seriously though, how funny is it when video game characters do the things they do in games – but in real life!? Chopping fruit with Zandatsu! Oh my days!

Ron Gilbert and Double Fine Part Ways

It turns out that the powerhouse combo of Ron Gilbert residing with his adventure game brethren at Double Fine was a short-lived affair. Perhaps it was always meant to be this way and I missed the point. Maybe, it was decided (by higher powers beyond mortal control) that such a union would prove too effective and yield games of such exceptional quality that the very core of the game industry would be shaken into dust. Perhaps. Whatever the reason may be, there’s no denying that I’m pretty bummed about his departure, but at least he’s going to continue designing games.

“Now that The Cave is done and unleashed on an unsuspecting world, it’s time for me to move on from Double Fine and plot my next move.

So many games left to be designed.

I want to thank all the amazing people at Double Fine for all their hard work on The Cave. It was a true pleasure to work with every one of them over the past two years. So much fun. I will miss them all. And of course to Tim for creating the opportunity to come there and make The Cave.”

For the short term, Clayton Kauzlaric and I have been toiling away on another iOS side project that I’m going to focus on over the next few months. It’s called Scurvy Scallywags in The Voyage to Discover the Ultimate Sea Shanty: A Musical Match-3 Pirate RPG.”

If I truly think about it, maybe I always knew that Gilbert was simply working with Double Fine to make The Cave a reality. Perhaps I had just lied to myself and repressed any knowledge that went against my wish that Gilbert would stay with Tim Schafer and make Double Fine Adventure together; holding hands; baking cakes; sketching out puzzle ideas and funny lines together. Who knows, maybe they even fall for each other, get married and spend quiet Sunday mornings eating brunch and discussing shifting trends in game design and how they can remain contemporary yet still stay true to their defining sense of character.

Clearly, this scenario has gone too far.

Former Gamestop VP Goes To Jail

Time to spice things up with a sweet little piece of corruption, now. In my dreams I am Robert De Niro in Heat – the consummate criminal: the professional. In reality, if I ever got greedy, I’d be more likely to commit the sort of pussy white-collar crime that Frank Christopher Olivera, former VP of corporate communications and public affairs at GameStop just got busted for.

“According to federal documents, Olivera set up a fictitious Nevada-based company called Cloud Communications to send payments from GameStop to, across a period of July 2009 to April 2011. Olivera placed the payments in an account held by Cloud Communications, and then transferred the money to his personal bank account.”

After pleading guilty, the Northern District Court of Texas sentenced Olivera to fifty-one months in Federal Prison and fined him a total of $134,650. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, after all I’m no expert on either Olivera or prison, but I would imagine that his white-collar wearing ass is the kind that gets passed around like currency. Don’t get greedy, kids.

PS4 Making Suda 51 “horny”

Sometimes I get a real complex about my writing style: you know what I mean, the over-reliance on boners and ejaculation to articulate my positive feelings towards something. I’m making a concerted effort to fight this lately, but Suda 51 ain’t making it any easier, as he claims that the possibilities of working with PS4 hardware has made him ‘horny’.

“To be able to play anywhere, on any device, with shared data – this will be an alluring new feature for games.” Cloud saving as a standard is also “an evolution in itself,” he said.

“Thinking about the future of this stuff and then constructing and outputting something appealing is our job as game designers, and from that challenge we can take new strength,” Suda said. “And that makes me horny.”

It would seem that Suda and I are kindred spirits: with us both failing to grow out of being fascinated by our own erections. At least with Suda being so talented and innovative, I can take comfort in knowing that this particular preoccupation isn’t totally crippling in the adult world. I really, really need to see that line of his put into future PS4 marketing. With Sony’s new developer-focused approach, it seems only right that their new tagline should read: “It will make you horny!” – Suda51.

Timesplitters Isn’t Dead (Yet)

It would seem that Timesplitters isn’t quite as popular as I want to believe it is. After several failed online petitions and vocal fans crying out for a new entry into the series, it seemed like Free Radical Design’s apparently cult franchise was to languish forever after their transformation into Crytek UK. Thankfully, there now seems to be some genuine hope for a comeback. The newly-announced Timesplitters Rewind is a Crytek-supported project that utilises the swanky new Cryengine 3 and is bound for a PC release.

“TimeSplitters Rewind is being worked on by a team of fans – including members of the original TimeSplitters staff at Free Radical Design.

Rewind will include multiplayer modes and challenges taken from the original three games, re-packaged in HD.”

After my N64′s Goldeneye-flavoured heyday, Timesplitters was a welcome dash of frantic lunacy in a market that seemed to be very keen on maturing quickly. The oddball characters and rapid response controls made it a firm favourite for many years. Being the perpetual child that I am, I find myself grinning with glee at the possibility of rekindling the fun of my early teens. Not the awkward erection moments and mood swings, you understand, but the good stuff; the last time controllers were wired as standard; the simple charms of split-screen multiplayer; you know, the good stuff.

Unfortunately, it seems like split-screen will be the one thing sadly absent from this re-boot, but I rest assured in the knowledge that, if successful, then the title will get an appropriate re-tooling for a console release. Gaming gods be praised.

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Now, the time has come that I must retire. Put my feet up, sling on the lounge pants and begin the lengthy and painful process of distracting myself until Bioshock Infinite gets released. I know you feel this pain.

This week in gaming, millions of male gamers still found a way to wax their poles to the new, gritty Tomb Raider; Sim City went into complete shit-ridden meltdown and I continued to play a tonne of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. The only thing that comforts me after typing that ridiculous name is the unrelenting entertainment value of tearing out cyborg spines. Third playthrough down and I’m still digging the most violent method of electrolyte extraction known to man.

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Yu Suzuki owns my soul with new Shenmue 3 tease

Kickstarter has enabled millions to contribute towards the reality of their own gaming dreams, but for me, it has remained little more than something I watch with passing fascination. But, just like my waning sex drive, there are specific buttons, that when pushed, awaken a beast that brings with it an almost fearsome and intimidating appetite. Yu Suzuki just poked the bear.

This news comes from a French journalist with a verified Twitter account, which instantly gives his statements added gravitas. OK, I’ll admit that maybe I’m getting slightly over-excited at this mere prospect, after all, that’s all that it is. However, it’s just the idea that Yu Suzuki is thinking about Shenmue once again and that there are now ways and means to make these projects a reality without the need of backing from a major publisher. Sure, SEGA probably own the rights, but that’s a small consideration to a man blinded by his own enthusiasm. I don’t care how ropey it is, the Dreamcast originals are still hugely playable to me. I just need closure, I need to kick Lan Di’s ass.

Women in games video series launches

Feminist critic Anita Sarkeesian has taken a long and arduous journey in order to make her Tropes Vs. Women in games video series a reality. It’s with relief that I say the journey was worth it. All of the backward thinking abuse she has had to endure only served to draw attention to the project, no doubt helping it exceed the $6,000 Kickstarter goal to a total nearing $160,000. Sarkeesian has made a thought-provoking and necessary critique of the medium here, something which I’m eager to see more of.

What I’m always keen to point out is the relative infancy of the medium, now that’s not to defend it at all, quite to the contrary: there is still much that gamers and game designers have to learn. So whether or not you agree with these sort of critiques, it has to be said that gaming will struggle to evolve without them. As gaming evolves, critics like Sarkeesian will become instrumental in helping developers push for new ideas. Admittedly, the male power fantasy standard is going to be pretty tough to break, but at the very least, the series may pave the way for different critiques that expose other underlying problems that stifle the evolution of video games.

Best dad ever mods feminist-friendly Donkey Kong

As if in response to Sarkeesian’s video comes the tale of the most heroic dad of the week. When his three-year-old daughter got bummed out because she had to adhere to the standard macho power trip in her favourite game, Donkey Kong, that very dad took it upon himself to right the wrong, reversing the roles and making it so that his daughter could play as Pauline saving Jumpman.

“My 3-year-old daughter and I play a lot of old games,” writes one dad on Facebook, as picked up by Reddit. “Her favorite is Donkey Kong. Two days ago, she asked me if she could play as the girl and save Mario. She’s played as Peach in Super Mario Bros. 2 and naturally just assumed she could do the same in Donkey Kong. I told her we couldn’t in that particular Mario game; she seemed really bummed out by that.”

Dad hacked the NES ROM and switched the sprites so his daughter could play the game her way and the gender balance is restored. Heartwarming as fuck.

Boy Scouts enter 21st Century with gaming badge

The Boy Scouts of America have just announced their newest merit badge: one that awards scouts for achievemnt in the field of game design.

 “Scouts looking to earn the merit badge must analyze different genres and facets of design in addition to broader industry-related concerns like the significance of intellectual property. Participants will also create prototypes ranging from dice and board games to smartphone applications..”

Sounds rad. So long as you don’t mind hanging with a bunch of short-wearing homophobes. The Boy Scouts of America claim that this new merit badge is part of the organization’s efforts to become more relevant to 21st century life. I wonder if they were able to make that claim with a straight face.

Someone order me a fucking whisky.

Enter madness with Zeno Clash II

I like to think that I’m writing for the open-minded gamer here: the kind who longs for something beyond the comfortable realms of roided-up supermen football stars with guns (both kinds) and plastic sex doll females with bazookas (again, both kinds). If I’m right, then Zeno Clash II will be just what you’re looking for.

If you never managed to play the first one, or you’ve never seen it before, prepare yourself for a journey into an increasingly bizarre and imaginative world seen at the end of your all-conquering fists. Even after the first game this trailer still spins me out: with its wild character design and unique first-person gameplay. Take a look if that mind of yours is expanded.

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Quitting time! And time for me to say thank you. Claim your prize at the counter, for enduring this column is no mean feat. Alternatively, save up the tokens for your next visit and cash in big when the time is right! What is this? (REAL LIFE+)

Big Al down the pub told me that he’s seen the PS4. He said it’s sort of shiny, round and floats towards you ominously with its protruding spikes and blades. I told him that was one of the spheres from Phantasm. To be fair: I should have known better, Al is renowned for being full of shit – he once even told me that dogs can’t look up.

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Treat yourself to this Street Fighter severed head

If you’re anything like me, you’ve always wanted a full-size replica of Ryu’s head to watch you as you masturbate. This elaborate, and admittedly, bizarre fantasy of mine had been shelved some time ago: safely assuming that it could never could become a reality due to its budgetary and logistical demands.

The knowledge that Pop Culture Shock is producing this very item has come as something of a shock to me and has overwhelmed me with feelings that I’m just not prepared for. I had never anticipated the reality of actually being able to indulge in my number-one Street Fighter-related masturbatory fantasy, but it’s here: it’s actually, finally here!

This fine hunk of oddly Caucasian looking man even comes with Action Man/GI Joe style moveable eyes, so that I can presumably place him in whatever part of the room I wish and I’ll still be able to make him watch me violate myself. I am almost giddy at the potential of this thing. But enough about me. If you’ve always wanted to own the decapitated head of Street Fighter’s first son, then get your pre-order in now. This 1:1 scale replica is limited to a mere 300 pieces along with an ‘Evil’ flavour version that’s limited to 120. Both will set you back a cool $499, which means it’s going to cost me around $3,000 to have one set-up in each of the rooms I like to attend to my business in.

Desk makes me feel like half a man

The Street Fighter love continues with this new video from combo lord and master -Desk. In this latest video Desk not only showcases his talent with an arcade stick, but also shows that he’s got the savior-faire when it comes to video editing. He seamlessly blends together combos through Street Fighter III: 3^rd Strike, Super Street Fighter IV and Street Fighter X Tekken, the smug bastard. I bet this is completely effortless for him: his delicate hands gliding over the buttons with balletic precision, whilst my potato paws smash and flail like a pair of escaped rabid seals on and ice rink.

RIOT is all pixellated politics and petrol bombs

A small team of Italian developers are hard at work trying to bring RIOT to iOs, Android, PC and Mac. They are currently looking for funding via Indiegogo in order to further improve their already impressive looking riot simulator. Aside from the tried-and-tested entertainment value that politically charged violence brings, the developers are hoping that the game will also educate and inform.

“The main purpose of this project is to create a game that will get people to be interactive with two opposing forces during clashes between rioters and police while showing the moral aspects and viewpoints of both sides,”

Whilst the project has already exceeded its $15,000 target, all further funds will go towards research and licensing, and you at least get to say that you’re the kind of person who puts their money where their mouth is. A $500 contribution will even net you an executive producer credit, no doubt allowing your name to sit alongside Tom Morello and Michael Moore. Well, maybe not.

Become one with the BPM

140 is the latest project from Limbo puzzle designer Jeppe Carlsen. Following in the footsteps of cherished gems such as Vib Ribbon, Rez and, more recently, Sound Shapes, this rhythm-platformer is looking to make synesthetes of us all.

This trailer showcases a complete departure from the sombre, monotone environments of Limbo and will hopefully allow Carlsen to prove that he has more than one success up his sleeve. I’m sure that I’m in good company when I express my fondness for getting lost in such interactive sound experiences – having recently lost a good portion of an evening completely spacing out to Sound Shapes. It’s a good way to go. +10 cool points if you match it with some decent hallucinogens, but then you don’t need me to tell you that. If that sounds like your kind of thing, put 140 on your watch list.

Dreamcast watch more effective than pheromones

Sure, you’ve already got your time keeping game locked-down with your Мишка timepiece, but what are you to do if your going for that all-out Doc Brown look? It’s simple: get a Dreamcast watch, ya dummy.

The Sega Dreamcast was, and still is, my favourite console of all time. Sure, the Saturn was on point with its 2D brawlers, but I don’t want to picture a gaming world without Jet Set Radio, Shenmue or Power Stone. That’s my kind of holy trinity. If you feel the need to share your love of Sega’s ill-fated machine with the outside world, then look no further than this slick Dreamcast wristwatch.

Priced at just under $170, it even features the oh-so-satisfying pop up lid: a feature that desperately needs to come back for the next-gen (console designers take note). Impress would-be sexual conquests with your dedication to old-fashioned time keeping, killer style and the first console to come with a modem. You can share Phantasy Star Online anecdotes on the cab ride home before you explore each others erogenous zones and undoubtedly wake up the next morning to gaze upon him/her knowing that you have found your soul mate. Buy one now, the future of the human race depends upon it.

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Well, I hope that info burst will sate you until next week and give you something to enjoy whilst we all wait to find out what the PS4 really looks like. My money is going on that it looks exactly like the original PS3. Due to a lack of brand knowledge and poor internal communications, the PS4 product designer didn’t realise that the PS3 had undergone two visual re-designs in its lifespan and presented an unknowingly familiar design to his Sony overlords. The next thing you know, Sony are shitting themselves because they have actually nothing to reveal: cue a reveal event that bills itself as purposely ‘mysterious’.

This week’s header image comes courtesy of the amazingly-talented Ash Davies. I’m sure you’ll all be familiar with his work by now, but I was lucky enough to have the man etch some into my flesh just last week. The almighty crossover of a fellow mopster, friend of the brand and all-round good guy providing me with an exclusive Мишка colourway Blanka was just too awesome not to share. Now, on with the games.

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Warren Spector is old; smells like stale farts.

Warren Spector takes a cheap shot at Lollipop Chainsaw, claiming that it should have never have been made. To me, it’s an oft-ignored game; most certainly an acquired taste, yet kind of endearing with its blatant crassness. For all intents and purposes, Lollipop Chainsaw is at least a fun game, that doesn’t take itself seriously and revels in its own absurdity. Taking a shot at a mega franchise like Call of Duty: a series that regularly trivialises and commodifies the horror of war would have made far more sense, but I’m sure Spector factored in the knowledge that Activision are big enough to stick up for themselves. Also, he may want to keep mega-publishers on-side, considering how awful Epic Mickey 2 is, oh, and now that he’s currently out of a job.

Whilst I’m well aware that I’m succumbing to the tabloid-esque, ‘makin’-stories-from-out-of-context-quotes’ mentality of most video game blogs, there’s no defending claims that certain games just shouldn’t have been made. I’m glad that there are greying, ‘mature’ games designers, hell, I’m even glad for pompous assholes like David Cage in a certain way. If there are a group of people dedicated to making games more sophisticated and diverse then I’m all for them, I’m all for evolving the medium, but I can’t abide anyone achieving this by crapping on what they consider to be below them. If growing up means putting games about zombie-slaying cheerleaders aside and subscribing to a mentality that certain games should have never been made just because I don’t understand them, then fuck growing up.

The new XBOX will own your soul and control your body.

New details have leaked concerning the impending monolith that we will eventually come to know as the new XBOX. But before we all start gathering around its mysterious form and wondering what secrets it holds, there seems that there are some issues to clear up first.

As reported by Edge-Online:

“Microsoft’s next console will require an Internet connection in order to function, ruling out a second-hand game market for the platform. A new iteration of Xbox Live will be an integral part of Microsoft’s next console, while improved Kinect hardware will also ship alongside the unit.

Sources with first-hand experience of Microsoft’s next generation console have told us that although the next Xbox will be absolutely committed to online functionality, games will still be made available to purchase in physical form. Next Xbox games will be manufactured on 50GB-capacity Blu-ray discs, Microsoft having conceded defeat to Sony following its ill-fated backing of the HD-DVD format. It is believed that games purchased on disc will ship with activation codes, and will have no value beyond the initial user.”

If the source is to be believed, then we can all theoretically kiss goodbye to loaning games to one another, rentals and the second-hand market in one, fell swoop. Needless to say, there’s some concern regarding Microsoft’s decision to eliminate second-hand buyers and those without permanent internet access from their future market. GameStop, in particular, have voiced their concerns, claiming that these changes could seriously damage the console’s future.

“..the desire to purchase a next-generation console would be significantly diminished if new consoles were to prohibit playing pre-owned games, limit portability or not play new physical games,”

I always like to believe that there’s an element of ‘testing the waters’ with these leaks: that the likes of Sony and Microsoft purposely ‘leak’ new, potentially controversial, features in order to avoid serious backlash before anything is announced officially. I hope they get the message.

Top 5 Street Fighter characters, GO!

Next to pizza, big butts and black coffee, my greatest love is Street Fighter. Not just for the timeless gameplay of the series as a whole, but more for the countless, distinctive characters that it has introduced to my consciousness. The most exciting part of any new Street Fighter game is seeing which characters will return and what new ones will have to offer, something that Capcom knows all too well.

Capcom wants to know who your top 5 Street Fighter characters are, presumably as a selection process for an upcoming title. My votes went to Cody, Hakan, R.Mika, Birdie and Dudley. Knowing that my boys Blanka and Balrog will get in regardless allowed me to pick some of the more forgotten characters. I urge you to take the survey yourself, or on my behalf at least. I feel that I need to see R. Mika’s perfect ass rendered in 3D at least once before I die. Do it for me: your old pal, The Faux Bot.

Ubisoft claims that gaming is no longer just for geeks.

Hey! Talk about having your finger on the pulse! Sure, discussion over the rise of casual gaming had been played-out and dried out around four years ago now, but it takes an insightful member of Ubisoft to really hit the nail on the head and sum up what gaming is really all about now.

“We are at a new start in the industry, a moment where gaming is no longer just for geeks,” explained managing director Xavier Poix. “We have consoles like the Wii to thank for that, and the rise in mobile gaming. It’s all leading towards interconnectivity.”

Well, thank your chosen deity for that! I was starting to get a bit self-conscious, you see. I’ve been gaming my whole life, yeah, even when it was just for geeks, but now I feel as though I am socially acceptable, by association at least. This will come as a great relief to my family and also the members of my village who have tormented me for decades, thanks to my wayward interests. I just feel…so….valid.

Now, obviously, this is pure conjecture here, but I think there’s something coded about Poix’s use of ‘Marketing Talk’. Being a self-proclaimed expert on such things, I’m more than happy to provide you with a plain English translation:

“Geeks who have been playing games for years instead of shagging girls (like I do) are a real thorn in my side as a marketing manager. They’re becoming pretty wise to the fact that we never really make any particularly interesting games, and that most of our review scores are paid for. Thankfully, because of the likes of the Wii and smartphones we can re-package any old shit and release yearly sequels whilst this new market gobbles it up like the fuck-witted sea-lion/sub-human scum that they are. It’s like having this great big toilet that pays YOU for taking a shit in its mouth!”

Like I said, pure conjecture.

Gaben and Abrams are totally bros.

Fans of streetwear, designer toys et al, will be no strangers to the collaboration concept. You know, when you pop an ‘X’ in between names. I love it when this happens, so it brings a tear to my ever-lengthening face to see the video games industry getting on board with the concept.

Gabe Newell X J.J. Abrams is a real thing that may actually happen, with only the absence of Joss Whedon ensuring that the discerning dork community doesn’t suffer severe scrotal hemorrhaging en-masse. The two entertainment titans shared a stage at this year’s D.I.C.E summit, proceeding to (metaphorically) suck each other off in front of a willing audience.

Whilst it’s still barely in the announcement stage, Newell was happy enough to claim that Abrams and himself were “…going to try and figure out if we can make a Half-Life movie or a Portal movie together…”

Whilst I’d love to write on, I really cannot go any further. All of my energy has been used up by resisting the urge to make ‘lens flare’ jokes, resulting in almost complete exhaustion on my part. I’m very sorry.

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So, what did we learn today? That if you play games, you can now also be considered a valued member of society; that the D.I.C.E summit is about old men complaining about young games and hooking up with their famous buddies; oh, and that the new XBOX will require some sort of bizarre, resurrection ritual to be performed every time you want to switch it on and blood sacrifices should you wish to re-charge your controllers. Lots of conjecture today.

This week’s pressing questions in gaming are:

Why don’t more women play games? Probably doing something productive whilst I jerk it to polygons.

Why did they delay GTA V and does this somehow relate to rumoured plans for Rockstar to form a Bioshock-esque rogue state?

Just how powerful is the new Playstation going to be and is it going to include the Fleshlight extension that I’ve been petitioning for some months now?

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New Bioshock Infinite video from the mysterious past.

Hey, you remember that thing? The, uh…past. Well, this new ‘viral’ video promoting Bioshock Infinite claims to be from there. It’s a video from the past made in the modern day to promote the release of a future game. Holy shit we just experienced three astral time planes at once; particles have been shattered, we are pure energy no longer constrained by restrictive concepts such as ‘time’. (__)

Smash cameras, win a vague sense of freedom, prizes.

They watch you when you sleep. They watch you when you stumble a little and scowl at the protruding paving stone as if it had a malicious will of its own. They were even watching you that one time you took a huge piss outside of that GWAR show because you thought it would make you seem like a funny, sorta-crazy fun-time guy. Really, what you should have done is kept cool and gone back inside to piss like a normal, civilised human being.

Who are they? The MAN (men?) of course and dammit I’m sick of this omnipresent lurking. Vandalism and activism are two serious-sounding isms until you make a game out of them, which is exactly what Camover does. This game challenges players to rip down surveillance cameras in Berlin. Each camera scores you points and a sense of righteousness.

The game is real-life Grand Theft Auto for those tired of being watched by the authorities in Berlin; points are awarded for the number of cameras destroyed and bonus scores are given for particularly imaginative modes of destruction. Axes, ropes and pitchforks are all encouraged.

Real-world games equal real world prizes. For the winner, a very special prize has been reserved: getting to be on the frontline of a protest. Enjoy taking that tear gas canister to the gut, buddy: you’ve earned it.

Chubby Street Fighter animation encourages hack games blogger to make ‘I have a chubby’ jokes.

This beautiful slice of chubby CG animation comes courtesy of Brazilian artist Victor Hugo Queiroz and serves as a teaser for his upcoming Street Fighter III fan film. As a huge Street Fighter fan, this is something of a relief: sick as I am of seeing fan films that equate to little more than two semipro martial artists flailing around in a forest whilst surrounded by questionable usage of After Effects. A universe with a visual language as vibrant and as striking as Street Fighter’s is the perfect fit for animation, something which I’ve craved more of ever since the classic Street Fighter II anime and what’s even better now is that I get to see my main man Hugo is all his super-deformed glory.

Weep for the lost potential of racing games.

It’s a sad fact that most racing games bore me. Little has captured my attention over the past decade, seeing as so much falls short of capturing the multiplayer carnage of Mario Kart, or the slick arcade precision of Metropolis Street Racer. Sure, there have been pretenders to the throne, but nothing I’d consider special. With that in mind, cast your wanton gaze over this footage from a cancelled Bizarre Creations project. Since their progenitive work on MSR and the Project Gotham series, the team have worked tirelessly to reinvigorate the racing genre with mixed results: see the luke-warm reception of the oft-overlooked Blur.

Enjoy and weep, for this project, and the company responsible, are no more. Perhaps if we weep loudly enough, some savvy publisher will respond to the demand for dynamic racers that feature the ability to drive along the faces of ultra-modern skyscrapers. Then again, maybe not.

Valve meets Monkey Island and the world suddenly feels like a better place.

Seeing as I’m in the mood for delivering audiovisual goodness this week, why not enjoy this piece as a send off? With Monkey Island being one of the best games in existence, and Valve being the perpetual darlings of the games industry, it’s hard to fathom the amount of exploded scrotums and ovaries that this clip has resulted in. Take heed of those words and find a suitably protective housing for your reproductive system as you gaze upon the magnificence of the ‘I wanna be a Pirate’ scene re-created with Source filmmaker. If this titillates you, immediately go and download Ron Gilbert’s The Cave, you can thank me later.

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It’s with a tear in my eye and a severe case of pizza-butt that I must now leave you. I’d love to trawl the internet for more overlooked gaming news, hell, I’d even love to regale you some of my more articulate anecdotes concerning the industry, alas, no-one is going to download all of the big butt photography on my behalf. Some things I just have to do myself. Come back next week for another unwanted peek into my internet-heavy existence and possibly games.

Video games are great and all, I don’t want you to get me wrong, but sometimes you just have to disconnect, you know? Really take a look at your surroundings and the people closest to you: learn to appreciate the real things in your life.

Of course I’m kidding, we all know that other human beings are fuckers and that reality is a hugely overrated series of crushing failures and missed opportunities. Let’s get virtual.

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The most offensive Doom mod ever.

It’s the year 20XX and Mel Gibson has fallen on hard(er) times. Determined to continue making movies, he turns to Troma only to find that Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Hertz are more than welcoming: sharing his vision of making the most tasteless and offensive movie ever made, ignoring his blatant antisemitism. If you can picture what kind of depraved lovechild such a working relationship would spawn, then you may be close to the content seen in this truly tasteless Doom mod.

Literally no-one is safe from the onslaught of blood-letting seen in Grezzo 2. That includes Mario, Buddha, Barney The Dinosaur and even elderly McDonalds patrons. Download it at your own risk, kids.

 Flashback is getting a HD re-make.

Even before I had the patience or necessary co-ordination to play Delphine Software’s Flashback, I still gazed upon it with wonderment. The cinematic leanings and captivating environments were the best kind of imagination fuel for my younger self. Now, the same mind rests in a rapidly decaying, but altogether more physically coordinated shell. As such, I can look forward to the release of a Flashback HD re-make, bound for the inevitable downloadable platforms (XBLA, PSN, Steam).

Appropriately enough, the leak was exclusively confirmed over on gameblog.fr who claim that the re-release won’t be a simple restoration, but will feature entirely new animations and artwork within the original design and structure. Here’s hoping that it can live up to the legacy of the original.

From Punk isn’t dead, to Killer Is Dead.

Kicking down the walls, doors and foundations of our consciousness this week were a host of new details concerning Killer Is Dead. The next title from Suda 51, Grasshopper Manufacture and Kadokawa Games brings with it a typically vibrant art style and affinity for sharply dressed hitmen.

Nothing new, maybe. After all, what would a Suda 51 game be without litres of blood and dismembered limbs pushed through his kaleidoscopic pop culture waste valve? Perhaps the most exciting notion is the one that Killer Is Dead could prove to be Grasshopper’s Magnum Opus: the culmination of their years of efforts to make a punk-rock game. The future-grindhouse aesthetic, along with gameplay lessons learned from their previous titles mean that this could be the game that comes to define Grasshopper Manufacture.

THQ is dead.

Perhaps the biggest news this week was that concerning the dissolution of THQ and the selling of the company’s various intellectual properties. The ‘bigger boys’ of the gaming industry all gathered around to gleefully pick the bones of this decaying carcass: snapping up some of THQ’s more successful properties.

Ubisoft managed to pick up South Park: The Stick of Truth, SEGA snagged Relic, along with Company of Heroes and most appropriately, Koch Media has picked up Volition and the Saint’s Row licence. Koch Media, as I’m sure you’re wondering, are the sleazebags behind the greatest gaming swindle I’ve ever witnessed. Dead Island is one of the most shockingly poor games I have ever been unfortunate enough to have to experience. It probably made them a tonne of money, too. Undershipped and over-priced at the beginning created a bizarre amount of interest for such a bad game. I still have nightmarish flashbacks to the time a begrudging father handed over £60 to me in exchange for that shrink-wrapped turd. Horrifying. We can thank Koch Media and Deep Silver for this monstrosity and I think we can safely assume that the Saint’s Row series can now plunder even lower depths with its new owners.

No game is safe from Hotline Miami.

I’m still waiting for all of you to go play Hotline Miami, then come back to tell me how much you enjoyed it and how grateful you are to me for constantly talking it up. I’d say you were welcome and that I’m happy we can move forward through life together having shared such a pleasurable exchange. Until this utopian vision of my future becomes I reality, I’ll keep finding excuses to talk about the game.

Luckily for me, there are creative sorts such as PulpitPower who are willing to make entertaining re-interpretations of some fantastic source material. Watch as Hotline Miami’s protagonist murders his way through a collection of classic games, along with new favourites like the eye-wrenchingly difficult Super Hexagon. Fuck you, Terry Cavanagh.

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Side note: I am thinking of using ‘Let’s Get Virtual’ as the catchphrase for the Welsh-themed Super Sentai show I’ve written in which I play all of the characters. As of yet, my pitches have been unsuccessful, but it is going to happen and I don’t want anyone using the phrase ahead of its release. I’m sure you all understand.

Coincidentally, if you are reading this and happen to work in television, please don’t hesitate to contact me if you are interested in working on my show idea. There have been very few Welsh Super Sentai shows up until this point and I feel that it’s a golden opportunity.