Normally, I’d have a few things to talk to you about. But instead of tending to the issues of Lauryn Hill looking like a young Gary Coleman during her tax trial (jail-time, I’m sorry girl), or Jaden Smith asking for emancipation for his 15h birthday (because I’m sure it’s really rough growing up the jet-setting child of major Hollywood stars); I want to talk to you about my current obsession: Farrah Abraham’s last gasp at fame, first taste of porn notoriety.

A few weeks ago Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham, claimed that her “private tape” leaked, and lashed out at co-star James Deen, Patron Saint of Shit-Stirrers (no pun intended), for calling bullshit. Today, she’s close to a million dollars richer via Vivid (whose founder she has been taking lunches with), inking a diet pill endorsement, and magically destroying Kim K’s first-day download record (poor Kim…somewhere pregnant-farting with rage, talking to her mirror like a jilted Disney princess) with the release of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. Watch it if you want, it’s your internet…but I already watched for you. Journalistic integrity. You’re welcome.

A few things: her premise of hiring a porn-star to do a private video, as a love letter to her future-self. Because isn’t that how we all capture our glory days? With a professional production team and some anal? A reality star would never plan such a thing to become an internet commodity! She makes it seem as if James Deen just works at the boudoir photography studio you bought a voucher for on  Groupon. A rented piece whose life she claims she changed, since he was no one before her. Sure…But here’s the thing, she also originally claimed that she used protection during the shoot, in case any young girls heard about it…since she’s some sort of role-model (because the Mayan’s were right, we’re just being stubborn about it). No condoms were used. Farrah now says that nerves made her “forget” to buy protection…Vivid has a condom line, so the studio is probably stocked, fyi. This was a hardcore porno, that started with anal penetration and altered between orifices indiscriminately throughout. It didn’t look like any wet-wipes or mouthwash was used, either. Just sayin. She claimed that she hasn’t seen a D in a long time. I’m pretty sure James’ wasn’t even the first one she saw that day…it’s supposed to look like a starfish, not a jellyfish.

(that’s the dress she wore in the scene, FYI)

She’s claiming she won’t watch Vivid’s “version”, as if they somehow CGI’d the bacterial infection she was working on, and has managed to stage…a pregnancy rumor! She’s been caught purchasing a pregnancy-test, because she is supposedly not on birth-control and worried that Deen might be responsible for a missed period.This, of course, is according to “anonymous sources”(read: Farrah), and guess who isn’t having any of it? James Deen.

Deen made sure that the world knew his stipulations to Vivid, the ones who hired him, were that Farrah be on birth-control and get fully screened like any other actress would.  He doesn’t think any of this shit is cute: “I am taking it seriously enough to research the possibility of someone getting pregnant from anal sex and semen on their face while they are having sex on their period with a sponge inside them…I spoke to the clinic where we both got tested before our scene along with my personal medical doctor regarding the subject.  However, I am more concerned about the fact that Vivid told me she was on birth control….This is a type of publicity I do not agree with and I do not want to participate in. Joking or lying or using pregnancy to get attention and media is not cool. It involves three people’s lives including the potential unborn child.”

Once again, James Deen, professional cocksman, is the most reasonable and ethical person in the room. Meanwhile, Farrah is getting rejected by Sugar Daddy websites for being too much of a gold-digger. James, if you’re reading this I want you to know: you’re on my short-list of current pop-cultural heroes. Please sue her for libel (for calling you a bad man with a small cock) and pain and suffering for this pregnancy stunt. For the transcripts. I need it, America needs it. Young girls who think being Teen Mom is a good idea, need it. Young men who have spiteful girlfriends who think this is ok, need it. We all need to hear the judge tear her a new asshole (her old one is useless, since your last visit) for being irresponsible, vapid, and using the worst plastic surgeon her money could buy. The judge won’t say that, but I will, because breasts aren’t supposed to be stationary, blunt-objects.

Continuing to live the dream, Danny Brown caught head on stage (again!) the other night during a set. While you might remember A$AP Rocky calling him out for that a few months ago during a tv appearance, Danny admitted he didn’t really remember it himself. You think Uncle Luke is somewhere torn between anger, envy, and pride? Think of all the times he could’ve gotten served but simulated it instead…and still caught cases for it. Obscenity charges for dick-suck descriptions with the possibility of a year-long bid? 1990 was so much colder than our 2013 model of sexual transparency.

Respect the architects.

When Ray J leaked his track “I Hit it First”, we all knew who he was taking shots at with lines like “she move on to rappers/and ball-players/we all know who hit it first”. He said it’s just a jam. But now that the video is out, does anyone buy that story?

The bottom-shelf version of Kim K shows up as a hologram, wearing one of those peplum skirts Kimmy wouldn’t stop rocking last spring, and in viewfinder scenes with the faux-dashian being cute in her sweats as Ray J sings “if you come back to me we can make a new tape”. Ray J, please take a seat and let me offer you a drink, cause you are clearly thirsty. Don’t let Brandy find out you used her house for this video shoot, either. She’ll cut you so your edge-up stays crooked.

Speaking of the lil brother struggle, Rob Kardashian is hurting real bad these days. After gaining 40lbs in 2 months, fueled by the hunger that Rita Ora left in his heart, fighting paps to not snap his pic while shirtless is the least of his problems. During a recent interview Rob said the one part of him not looking big these days is his D. “Every time I hop in the shower and see myself naked I cry…My penis looks so small now.” Yes, guys, this is a thing. If your FUPA gets too plush and pillowy, you’re essentially losing inches. That’s a lot of feelings to eat.

Following in the footsteps of many a teen-starlet before her, Amanda Bynes’ sanity is rapidly deteriorating before our eyes. While some speculate that it’s drugs, since she’s been seen toking in Times Square amongst other public places (like her car and the gym locker-room), I challenge you to find weed with the power to turn young Becky into Blac Chyna overnight. And then send it my way cause that sounds fantastic. No, I’m pointing my finger at Kid Cudi on this one. Remember what Federline did to Britney? Cudi is that explosive element. Just this week Bynes let Complex know that she’s got more talent than the Kid and she would kill him in this music game if she got signed. That is if she was even trying to be singing. Currently all she’s trying to do is talk about suing blogs for using pap pics instead of her Twitter selfies, publicly asking Drake to murder her vagina (then posting fantasy wedding pics of them) and doing her make-up at cycling classes…basically, what I’m saying is: I want to see this rap-battle happen.

Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham, has spent the last few weeks denying the existence of a sex tape. After being called out by her co-star James Deen for orchestrating the full-on porn flick, she claimed the scene was filmed to immortalize her hot 21 year-old body “like a wedding video”. Right…I guess she doesn’t realize it takes silicone a really long time to sag. Anyway, our naive and innocent Farrah was so upset with Deen for saying he’s absolutely not dating her, and that it was all very much a contract gig, that she let the world know that he has a small D. I guess that sort of thing works if the guy you’re trying to embarrass doesn’t have hundreds of videos circulating, and a package so lusted after that you can purchase a replica of it online (NSFW, duh). Will someone please explain to this girl how the internet works?

There’s something you guys should probably know about me: my spirit-animal is a Drag Queen. Capital letters, written in black diamonds. It’s what makes me love terrible over-the-top fashion choices, and raunchy humor. RuPaul’s Drag Race is literally my go-to safe haven during natural disasters. Those ladies calm me down and allow me to yell at the screen like your average sports fan on a Sunday. Well, Willam from Season 4 just released a video for RuPaulogize, her take on Timbaland’s “Apologize”. I hope this bitch keeps up the good work of making Weird Al wonder if he should learn to contour his face and wear heels. Short answer: yes, Al, do it for the kids!

The patron saint of ducking charges, Lindsay Lohan, copped the world’s most masterful bullshit plea-deal. In lieu of serving time for…what she get caught doing this time? Accident with suspended license, lying to a police officer, and potentially perjury. Does it matter? Homegirl catches more cases than Gucci Mane at a Cosmetology school. BRR! I digress…in lieu of jail-time she agreed to lockdown rehab in NYC (which doesn’t exist outside of Federal prison), but ONLY after she does some coke in Brazil/Coachella and ONLY if she can still have her Adderall. Spring Break forever, bitch. I can’t even be mad at her. You know how crackheads have the wild physics where they walk with their bodies diagonal from head to toe, shaking, but the piles of coins they’re carrying are perfectly still? That’s Lohan with court cases. Crackhead wizardry.

Gucci should see if Lohan will take on a Crack Wizard apprentice. Let your boy in on game, cause we’re not ready to bring back our Free Gucci t’s. Just after showing the world that he’s a scene-stealing thespian, so cold he can fall asleep during sex scenes involving broads with butts like picnic coolers, it looks like Gucci is heading back inside. Sidenote: Cam, if you ever make Killa Season 2 happen, please stop playing around and cast the Trap God…Last week Gucci Gorbachov was arrested for hitting a fan in the head with a bottle in VIP, followed by a second dude saying he got clocked outside of a show. No bonds were granted, and now he’s got the homie Waka saying that he doesn’t need all that negative shit around him. Just like in Spring Breakers, only white girls can pull this thug life shit off without getting got. Brr, indeed.

Just when you think the Kardashian sisters couldn’t be more self-absorbed, they stage an on-camera pussy sniff-off. Kourtney and Kim went cat to cat, because Khloe told them pineapple juice could get the drawers in order. Kim won…I don’t believe it either. All those leather pants and spanx. Also, was this Khloe’s secret weight-loss plan? Put herself in a situation where she’s traumatized for life, nullifying her appetite indefinitely? Well played.

There’s a rumor floating around that Kanye and Kim are considering naming their baby North. KK says its not on the list, but that Easton, is. Easton West. I’m glad Kanye is gonna be there to teach this kid how to read…and likely how to battle rap as method of self-defense.

Welcome back to Slut By Association. This week it’s really all about desire…and desperation. Let’s begin!

A few days ago Danny Brown and A$AP Rocky descended upon Kathy Griffin’s show in a storm of giggle-fits and oral-sex references, with Russell Brand playing a combination of translator and hype-man. It’s solid entertainment. Your dudes let Ms.Griffin know how much they like “thickums” and finally get physical with the 52-year-old with a fatty. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but producers should know that a Danny and A$AP talk-show NEEDS to happen. For the kids! With Danny looking like the spawn of a Chucky doll and a Garbage-Pail Kid (I’m still trying to decide if he’s a cautionary tale about relaxer abuse), and A$AP pushing his “sex-icon-model stuff” on us with a Motocross casual look, even if you put them on mute you feel like a product tester for a revolutionary psychedelic drug. Basically, the perfect recipe for a daytime Emmy.

Kate Upton’s boobs won the Sports Illustrated cover for the second year in a row, this time donning her itty-bitty out in the negative degree winds of Antarctica. She was willing to risk losing a nipple, what part of yourself did you sacrifice for the greater good today? Despite being an inescapable bikini and lingerie clad internet staple for the past year, and giving us arguably the best looking (if not entirely rhythmically gifted…) versions of both the Dougie and the Cat Daddy, detractors want to say Kate just isn’t that hot. Even going so far as to call her fat. Really, though?

Maybe she’s too standard issue for your tastes. Too blonde, too Floridian…you know, we can get into a messy tangle about female objectification, and how harshly women are judged, but seeing as she’s a model, the point feels moot and hypocritical. Honestly, I hope Kate Upton takes all that titty-shaking, coy smile-faking money, and resurrects the Fashion Cafe adding a dunk-tank where you throw old Blackberry’s at Naomi Campbell impersonators. Maybe she opens a bakery called Shame Spiral, that’s wallpapered with nothing but old bikini pics of herself, just in case you forget about how out of shape she is, while you decide on glazed or custard.

It’s been a minute, but I just want to remind all of you: Lindsay Lohan might let you “date” her for a few hours if you help her take care of some bills. Her major comeback, The Canyons, which managed to get a Times profile, bombed so hard it never even got the chance to get booed out of the festival circuit. Not Cannes, not even SXSW, where no doubt a handful of readers know more than a few friends of friends showing/performing at least at off-shoot venues. The highest accolade it’s achieved is a proposed porn adaptation where her co-star James Deen (you might recognize him from his work on PornHub) has been offered a second chance at the same character. Now with real-time penetration in those group-sex scenes! How meta. While many expected Deen to behave like an amatuer, even after this whole thing took a nose dive he has remained graceful. Dodging Lohan bashing, he opted for the opportunity to expose James Franco for being an exploitative dick, along with his director Paul Schrader, who took shots at Deen’s usual (more lucrative) means of employment throughout filming. Meanwhile, Miss Lohan is begging Charlie Sheen to buy her dresses so she can show up to the amfAR benefit not looking like a peasant. Which PR person is responsible for letting Lohan into an AIDS benefit? Is that supposed to be the human equivalent of those fucked up photos on Canadian cigarette packs?

I’m gonna go try and crack the Disney chaos code. Maybe the only way to reach the children is through the destruction of innocence? Very circle of life.

Until next time, remember: just cause they’re rich, don’t mean they’re not ratchet.

Welcome back to Slut By Association, where we talk about being fabulous, yet humble, and I ignore the fact that NY Fashion Week is going on. Entirely. Shall we?

First things first: the Grammy’s. Who won? Miguel for R&B single, nevermind that drunk Kelly Clarkson didn’t know who he was, it brings me so much joy knowing he’s probably humped an air-baby into the world in celebration. Frank Ocean beat out Chris Brown, and Brown can stay mad. R&B golem kept his ass seated while everyone stood up to salute the win. Whatever. Considering he was mugging hard, with Rihanna booed up half in his lap (four years after they both had to miss the show because he beat her purple the night before…and for which he may have faked his community service) I guess he won biggest Stunt Queen of the night. Bravo.

Well…J.Lo and her half-romper gown maybe won that award, when she winked at the paps and said she got the wardrobe memo, ie: no tits, ass or any visible “puffy” groins. Joining her in a silent protest to the dress-code were Katy Perry, who nearly broke up a happy lesbian home when Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi caught a glimpse of her keyhole cleavage.  Also, Kelly Rowlands showed us what the surgeon did and a near glimpse of where Destiny’s children come from. Motivation, indeed.

There were a few real stand-out ensembles at the show. Forever un-fuck-withable, Prince strutted out draped in all black everything, with a diamond cane and high-end glaucoma glasses, teaching these young bitches what street goth style really is. Showing out, 2 Chainz brought sickening levels of Wrestling Champion of Transylvania realness. Fuck your swag, cause he’s got that shit set to immortal. Adele donned the upholstery of a couch from a 1920′s Parisian whorehouse, but no one did it like The-Dream. While accepting the award for “No Church in the Wild”, the only one Jay-Z thanked was the swap-meet for The-Dream’s hat. That would be a Boyz in Da Hood snap-back teamed with a parental advisory print knitted. Hate all you want, at least we know this wasn’t a repurposed Aaliyah outfit…hmm, actually I guess we don’t really know that.

Tiny let the world know that the cops confiscated a “real nasty” sex-tape of her and TI getting down, which begs the question: would you watch? Due to the lady-boner I’ve had for TI since his King days, and a morbid curiosity to learn everyone’s definition of “real nasty” I’d check it out. You’re welcome to pretend like you wouldn’t. Meanwhile, the world is readying to have it’s first porn-star in space, Coco Brown. Already theorizing the practicality of sex in zero-gravity, she plans on at least popping out a titty with Earth in the background. Something to show the grandkids. Is this not the dream of the space-age come true?

Rando round-up: one of Gaga’s rider demands is an ever-present mannequin with “puffy pink pubic hair”…would it be redundant to call it a specialty merkin? A drunken Mark Wahlberg challenged Michael Fassbender to do accents, and noted that he wouldn’t ask him to a head-to-head competition of dick size. Fassbender should’ve still given us a peek. Incharitable bastard.  Mike Tyson played a rape victim on Law & Order: SVU, presumably ‘cause he got tired of getting type-cast. Johnny Weir tells Olympiads headed to the Sochi Winter Games to “tone down” the gay, as a caution against the impending ban on “gay propaganda” in Russia. I look forward to seeing how Weir butches up his fishnet and latex ensembles. Following suit with last week’s surprise appointment of Alicia Keys as creative director of Blackberry, Justin Timberlake can add the same title to his own resume, with Bud Light being his product. He’s going to class it up, I’m sure.

I simply can’t stand all this madness, can you? Let’s run off and rent Grey Gardens…the house, not the movie. We can all be alone together, with the cats and the racoons. No? Ok, I guess I’ll just go smoke a bowl and eat some Girl Scout cookies.

Until next time, remember: just cause they’re rich, don’t mean they’re not ratchet.

Welcome back to Slut By Association, where this week we discuss how maybe there are things better than reality. At least, better than reality TV.

Since you’re nobody until you have a camera-crew, Ke$ha will be the newest pop-star with a reality show. Sort of. MTV has picked up a docu-series called Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life chronicling her rise to fame over the past 2 years, and plans to begin airing it in April. Why? Because fuck you, America! Just when you had a glimmer of hope that the death of Jersey Shore and the network’s decision to cut the cord on Teen Mom 2 (incidentally, thanks to Ke$ha’s #1 fan, and mascot for putting child-locks on Twitter, Jenelle Evans) meant a breather from trash-culture programming, you can go ahead and exhale. We can all look forward to seeing if she really does brush her teeth with Jack Daniel’s, along with the rest of her personal hygiene rituals.

And while we’re on the subject of reality over-kill, famous “mom-ager”, Kris Jenner, is all set to have a talk-show of her own this summer. Because clearly the one thing the Kardashian’s were short on is screen-time.

Penthouse founder Bob Guccione, is still pushing smut from beyond the grave, this time via the contents of an auctioned-off storage locker. According to The New York Post, items found in the locker included detailed files concerning the publishing of Vanessa Williams’ photos (that made her lose the Miss America crown), unpublished pics of Madonna, Lauren Hutton, and best of all: Arnold Schwarzenegger as a young man mid “sex-act”. I don’t know exactly what that entails, but I hope he’s feeling that pump. No word yet on if these pics will ever see the light of ‘net.
(Sidenote: That’s Olivia Wilde up there from her photoshoot for Vanity Fair. Not that exciting, but consider it an olive-branch for making you imagine Arnold sans skivvies.)

As the first anniversary of Whitney Houston’s death is upon us, her mother Cissy Houston sat down with Oprah and spilled some serious tea…straight out of her tell-all bio Remembering Whitney. Mama let the world know that Whitney had a special relationship with Robyn Crawford (the lady up on the right in the pic, with the Cisco starter-hair) and that she’s not sure what it was about, but she wasn’t about the whole mess. Whitney’s brother Michael also sat down with Oprah, and let the world know that the Diva got her start with the bad-shit because of him. That’s pre-Bobby days. Vindication! Bobby took the heat for so many years, it must be bittersweet to have his name cleared. Bobbi-Kristina on the other hand is not impressed with Grandma’s book and let twitter know that her and her adopted-brother/former fiance (ick) will not be reading any of it.

His Majesty wants us all to know: he’s not impressed. Prince told Billboard magazine, who are honoring him their 2013 Icon award, that a major issue in his break-up with Warner Bros. was them kowtowing to Madonna too much by giving her the stacks he deserved.

“It was also about Madonna. She was getting paid, but at the same time we were selling more records and selling out concerts on multiple nights. It wasn’t about her. This was about business.”

He also went on to say Maroon 5 should go get their own hits and leave his alone, and he said all of this without the presence of a microphone. Because he simply doesn’t do THAT. For those of you who didn’t know, Prince keeps the reigns on his artistic property tighter than a negligee on Apollonia, and has said in the past “The internet’s like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated.”

He’s an Artist at throwing shade, too. The most important thing I’m taking away from that article, is the fact that Prince has someone on his management team named Ramadan. I’m left wondering if they got hired cause that name is epic, or if they were renamed to better suit the team vibe.

Aaron McGruder faked out a bunch of fans waiting on a new season of Boondocks, by instead announcing a Kickstarter for a live-action Uncle Ruckus flick, Lady Gaga berated a former assistant for being inappropriate in front of Terry Richardson, and described herself as the Queen of the Universe during a deposition, Mean Girls and Magic Mike are both in line to get adapted into musicals (guess which one includes audience lap-dances), and Alicia Keys gets appointed Creative Director of Blackberry…cause that will definitely save the brand.

Fun facts learned this week: Robert De Niro has a butterfly tattoo (tramp-stamp, fingers crossed!), Richard Gere is/was a gymnast in bed, Jason London will shit in a cop car, and Bam Margera (aka Fuck-Face Unstoppable) wants to do a tuck/fuck combo on his own ass but will settle for drinking his own pee on camera. Slutty enough for you? There is also a woman being investigated for trying to poison her husband via her lunch-box, and a nursing home going through it for allegedly hiring sex-workers for ailing patients. Because you’re never too old for a pity-HJ.

Until next time, remember: just cause they’re rich, don’t mean they’re not ratchet.

Welcome back to Slut By Association, where this week we talk about all the things to not do, if you want to keep your rap sheet short and sweet. Let me, Regina B, catch you up on the criminal activities and general stupidities of those living in the public eye.

Surprising absolutely no one, Chris Brown got into another physical altercation, this time with Frank Ocean. Reportedly over a parking space at the studio, potentially over Ocean calling Rihanna a ho, ultimately cause this has been building for a LONG time. While who started it is debatable, Ocean is claiming his hand is cut up and he may not be performing at the Grammy’s, where he is up against Brown for an award, and may be pressing charges. That would mean violation on Brown’s probation…you know from that other brawl he got into before the Grammy’s in ‘09. This might just be me having a fan-fiction moment, but seeing as Ocean and Brown already had a twitter beef, and Brown got outed (falsely?) by R&B come-up Martyn, I like to imagine this is all over Ocean not responding to a DM. Come on Frank, he just needed you to hit him with that LOL smiley-face. Bitches LOVE smiley-faces.

Rick Ross drove his Rolls-Royce into a building, narrowly avoiding being hit by the bullets of a drive-by shooter. While the internet (and long-time rival, 50 Cent) got jokes about this being staged, police are saying it’s legit. Ross was out doing a bit of pre-birthday partying and on his way home at 5am he swerved out of harms way as dozens of shots were fired from what witnesses say sounded like an automatic. Some think it might be the work of Gangster Disciples, still mad about that Larry Hoover namedrop. I think it might be connected to this week’s $65K chicken-wing heist gone wrong. Maybe he set that shit up to fuel the Superbowl wing shortage hysteria and generate business at the Wingstop, but someone dropped the ball.

Probably not, but still: if this is not in some way food-related Rick Ross is failing all of us.

Snoop Dogg, nee, Snoop Lion has gotten on the bad side of many a rasta recently, and is being accused of faking jacks on the whole culture. Bunny Wailer has come out saying that Snoop has exploited this so called transformation and is in breach of “contractual, moral and verbal commitments.”  The Ethio-Africa Diaspora Union Council (a.k.a. Rastafari Millennium Council) sent a 7-page letter calling for an apology and telling Snoop to chill with all the red, gold and green.

“Smoking weed and loving Bob Marley and reggae music is not what defines the Rastafari Indigenous Culture!”

Rastafari Millenium Council (hardest crew name, ever) probably should send out a few similar letters to every college town in North America, and potentially a few to Amsterdam and Goa, just for safe measure.

In recent years the momentum for the preservation of foreskin has been building. This is probably not at the top of your list of interests, but some of us are connoisseurs of every cut of the dong. Canadian group, Can-Fap (I hope that was an intentional pun) decided to target Oprah for her love of foreskin…all over her face. The group is claiming that the big O uses a luxury moisturizer whose main ingredient is baby foreskins, and that this is unacceptable as one of her favorite things. Sounds like the realest facial the world has ever seen.

In related news, rumors are swirling that Taylor Swift and Harry Styles (stay with me on this one…) didn’t break up because she wouldn’t give up the pannies and forced him to sit around watching Antiques Roadshow, but because she just couldn’t hang with his au naturale D. Swift supposedly badgered Styles to get a circumcision. Given her record of cycling through dudes weekly, this probably didn’t warrant a quickie cut. If this is true, it’s hilarious and explains why men keep running. I’m barely willing to cut my hair for a guy, and that grows back.

Beyonce got ousted for lip-synching at the inauguration, and has people guessing that’s what’s up for her Super Bowl performance, Lindsay Lohan refuses the only work anyone in media is offering her by saying no to Dancing with the Stars, while Amanda Seyfried owns the Linda Lovelace role Lohan was supposed to have. She somehow makes Deep Throat look like even more of an inspirational tale than it is. And Chanel took a stand on the French same-sex marriage debate by closing off a Haute Couture show with a lesbian bridal duo. Oh, Karl! I knew you had a heart.

All that being said, the hottest story I read all week was about a woman in Washington state who let her man get killed via motor-boat in their trailer-park home. That’s right, there is such a thing as too much titty. Next time your girl is on top and she gets a special glint in her eye, you’d better hope that’s lust not criminal intent.

Until next time, remember: just cause they’re rich, don’t mean they’re not ratchet.

Welcome back to Slut By Association, a safe place for us to roll our eyes at the world. Let me, Regina B, catch you up on a few things you might’ve missed this week in the land of celebrity missteps.

Despite tearfully pleading with the judge about his good behavior and lack of new cases against him (congrats?), Chief Keef was sentenced to 60 days in juvenile detention (no, not actual prison) for violating the terms of his probation in June by filming an interview at a gun range. I guess this just goes to show: Pitchfork isn’t always right. According to TMZ, he’s also being sued for child support by a middle-school girl who claims she had his baby back in 2011. That would make him 15 at the time and her…well, we’re not sure, but unless her parents file complaint he won’t be serving time just signing checks. Add that to the list of shit he don’t like.

Django Unchained has had detractors hissing something awful, most notably Spike Lee. No stranger to heckling Tarrantino and his language usage, he’s gone on record saying he is offended by the film in theory alone, and refuses to see it. This week had Django himself, Jamie Foxx, calling Spike “shady” for being so vocal without ever even seeing the film, and even went so far as to say that the director had “run his course”.

Fighting words? That sounds like pillow-talk compared to what Uncle Luke had to say, when he called Spike “Hollywood’s resident house negro” who is just mad that “Samuel L. Jackson’s character in the movie is just like him: a conniving and scheming Uncle Tom.” Whether Luke was just playing instigator or really feeling some kind of way about the director, maybe everyone needs to take a breather. C’mon kids, you can all put your earrings back on.

With Kat Williams saying he plans on feeding Quentin Tarrantino a fist, to action figures causing an uproar (and getting discontinued after only 1000 were made), looks like no amount of salt thrown is stopping Tarrantino from eating real good off his earnings from his highest-grossing film and celebrating his Golden Globe win (and 5 Oscar nods) with his new lady, Lianne Spiderbaby.

For those of you excited to see how Shawty Lo run’s his house of many Mamas, you’re just gonna have to stick to writing fan-fiction…for now. Buckling under the pressures of petitions and disapproving parent-groups, the Oxygen network has decided to cancel the show before it ever hit the air. Much like his virility, Shawty won’t be shut down, and is “actively” shopping the show around to other networks. After all, you don’t want the whole brood on welfare, do you? And if you fell for stories earlier this week about Lo getting locked up for failure to pay child support, you got got: it was all part of a video shoot.

Lupe Fiasco lived up to his name when he got removed by security during a show on Sunday night, celebrating Obama’s inauguration. Apparently Lupe didn’t get the memo, since his set took an indulgent turn at dissent with a 30-minute rendition of “Words I Never Said”. Good on Lupe for speaking his mind and taking promoters by surprise, but really, shouldn’t someone have given his catalog a quick spot-check if they were trying to go the patriotic route? Was Immortal Technique busy that night?

Here’s an inspirational tale for all of us in the struggle: Monsignor Kevin Wallin, former pastor at St. Augustine’s Cathedral in Bridgeport, CT was busted in the center of a nationwide meth-ring. Previously, he was released from his duties at the church when it was discovered that he was cross-dressing and having sex in the rectory, the Monsignor knew that Jesus had a plan for him, and he took that meth-money and love of tight booths and bought The Land of Oz sex shop. Hallelujah! Thank the lord for these gifts of delusion, debauchery and deviance that he has bestowed upon us.

This should be good news for Megan Fox, who believes in aliens and ALL of the apocalypse myths…the devout Penetcostal Christian says she has felt the holy ghost and restrained herself from speaking in tongues on more than one occasion. Maybe that’s why twitter just wasn’t gonna cut it.

Justin Bieber flashed his ass-crack on Instagram, Britney Spears took her breasts out for an emancipation stroll, and Girls has now inspired a reality-show…in case you were wondering what narcissism giving itself a rim-job would be like. So otherwise, just your basic week.

Until next time, remember: just cause they’re rich, don’t mean they’re not rachet.

I was scared I gave it up too quick our first time, but you’re back! In this week’s installment of Slut By Association, let me, Regina B, sit you down and explain what happens when a man and a woman get caught up in a love haze, and end up fighting over who’s owed what when the clouds part. Let’s emotionally regress, together.
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Shawty Lo and “All His Babies Mamas” are causing a controversy before they even hit the screen. When you’ve got 11 babies and 10 ladies (and a girlfriend the age of his oldest babies), you’re bound to get some drama. With T.I. living down the block, I wonder if their film-crews ever clash? Petitions and boycotts aside, this is pure comedy. Watching the Babies Mamas and the new chick clash over who gets to pay the bills and who’s in charge (aka gets to clip Lo’s toe nails) should definitely at least be a WSHH web-series. This apparently, is how you “really run Atlanta“.

Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Garnett almost came to blows post-game, after Garnett announced that Melo’s wife La La tasted like Honey-Nut Cheerio’s. So why’s he so mad? That don’t even make sense. While La La’s reality show had some of us fooled into thinking that her and Melo were going hard in the paint working on some new babies, it seems the duo has been secretly separated for a few months. Did Garnett smash? No one knows, but for now Melo got suspended for a game and La La is giving us all an over-the shoulder wink and a smile. Sounds like a complete breakfast cause that shit is bananas.

Rumors of Beyonce faking her pregnancy might finally be put to rest, now that she’s revealed video footage of her bare-bump in a trailer for upcoming HBO documentary, Life is But a Dream.  On top of that, the MILF was named GQ’s Miss Millenium, and gave an in-depth interview where she revealed that she has documented nearly every moment of her life since 2005, obsessively watches her own performances, and has realized that “I’m more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand.” That’s some super-villain shit, but we’ll let it go…Maybe that stockpile of selfies will reveal the moment the Illuminati ate Blue Ivy’s placenta with sea-urchin, in a decadent miso reduction.

OPULENCE!

I’m sure they served something similar at BIC’s $200G first birthday party. Fuck a super sweet-sixteen. She probably even got an exclusive sneak-peek of Destiny’s Child reuniting. Hint: it sounds like a cash-grab.

Megan Fox (joined and) quit twitter this week, stating on her FB page that she simply wasn’t “that girl”. Luckily, Candice Swanepoel totally is THAT girl, and understands what the public wants and expects from her. And, look! No one even had to get hacked!

Here’s a cautionary tale for all you ladies putting in that work on balconies and lofted beds: 22 year-old Lauren Block, fell 15-feet attempting a trick during a lapdance at a Cleveland strip club, never to be revived. May St.Peter make it rain on you at the gates.

Charlie Sheen, if you’re reading this, please let your next act of charity be donating safety netting for clubs across the country. Consider it an investment, since a life you save may one day be contractually obligated to kiss you in public. Goddess bless you, for your efforts!

Karrine Steffans, AKA Superhead, has continued on her campaign to sell her new book, err… talk about Lil Wayne, by getting a subliminal tattoo, and releasing a video discussing a possible pregnancy. Since it’s an excerpt from her book I guess the next video will be about how she opted out of birthing more soldiers for Wayne’s baby-army. I see you, Karrine. And if you didn’t do all those vlogs in your pannies I probably would’ve stopped paying attention. That’s what you call “media savvy”.

Jodie Foster publicly came out at the Golden Globes, the new season of Girls premiered (spoiler alert: you see Lena Dunham’s tits within the first 4 minutes), Lindsay Lohan’s life is such a train-wreck, even the New York Times thought it was worthy of an expose, and Mary J. Blige talks about the bad touch leading to years of inhaling the bad stuff, but how about we all cleanse our palates with this video of Ryan Gosling talking about Girl Scout cookies. I’ll take some Samoa’s, thanks!

Who am I kidding? I’ll eat whatever biscuit he puts in my mouth.

Until next time, remember: just cause they’re rich, don’t mean they’re not rachet.