UFC 146, taking place this Saturday might be the heaviest card in the brand’s 19 year history. I mean we’re talking easily over 2,350 lbs of bone crushing force being placed into the Octagon in the span of 5 main event fights. Yeah, a little math was done here for your sake to make it easier to embrace this situation. Unfortunately this can’t really be put into mathematics. Math doesn’t exist when Junior Dos Santos sends his knuckles into another man’s skull. Numbers aren’t around when Frank Mir snaps the bones of former champions. Do yourself a favor, forget about the numbers.

Before we jump into the main event though, let’s discuss the preliminary cards. For those unaware, the preliminary cards are full of young talent trying to make it to the big show. These guys are hungry for the main event, and they use their opportunities to the fullest. The first 3 fights will be streamed via Facebook (FOR FREE). The second preliminary card will be aired on FX. Big names include Dan Hardy, Duane Ludwig, Jason Miller, C.B. Dollaway, Jamie Varner + plenty more.

I encourage all of you to catch those if possible. You’ll feel like the guy who decided to do the “responsible thing” and stay inside the work place instead of running outside, cell phone in hand, to catch 4 kids slap each other in the face. I’ve never been in that situation, so I don’t know how that must feel. I know I’ll be watching the preliminary cards though, so it’ll never be an experience I have to cope with.

To kick off the monstrosity which we call the main event card, is a personal favorite Stefan Struve and the hard hitting Lavar “Not Dwayne” Johnson. Lavar Johnson? The man who fought a mere couple of weeks ago? Yes, that’s right. He agreed to step in for an injured Mark Hunt on very short notice. That’s a bad man. Struve is not one to be taken lightly though. This is a young man who’s proven time after time his ability to over come adversity in a bout. We may even find out what Johnson’s ground game is made of with this one.

Following that destruction will be Muay Thai god Shane del Rosario facing NCAA Division 1 wrestler and former Golden Gloves champion Stipe Miočić. I have a feeling that if spectators never heard of either of these guys, they’re both bound to become fan favorites. Of course we can’t have a heavy weight fiesta without BIG COUNTRY Nelson aka ‘Young Homeless Kris Kringle’ jumping in. Fan favorite, heavy handed Roy Nelson will be throwing down with relatively still fresh to the UFC Dave ‘Pee Wee’ Herman. With 15 of Herman’s wins coming by way of knock out, this will be a match for all of you slug fest lovers out there.

Almost to the end of this crazy ride is former Heavy Weight Champion Cain Velasquez welcoming Antonio “Big Foot” Silva into the UFC. Cain Velasquez wiped out the UFC top ranking heavy weights in devastating fashion, snatched the title out of Brock Lesnar’s big ol’ paws, only to be stopped brutally by Junior Dos Santos, in turn, having the title taken from him.

Now he’ll be facing a very large man who is the second fighter in MMA history to defeat The Last Emperor, Fedor Emelianenko. If you’re thinking of placing bets on this one, you’d better travel back in time circa ’97. ‘98, call Miss Cleo, and ask her who to bet on buddy. And then it happens. The oceans begin to part; birds begin falling from the sky. Fish stop swimming, your mother tells you that you need to start paying rent. Is it the end of the world? No, it’s Frank “I Understand How the Human Anatomy Works, But I Do Not Care” Mir vs. Junior Dos Santos. HA NO OVERLY LONG CATCHY NICK NAME NECESSARY THERE PAL. In his last fight, Mir proved that not only is his ground game strong as ever, but you aren’t safe from his submissions even if you’re a Nogueira brother. Frank Mir can get almost knocked out, roll out of it, and leave with your leg before you knew what happened.

Let’s not start strictly using Mir in UFC Undisputed 3 just quite yet though. Junior Dos Santos has shown to have some of the best, (if not THE best) technical boxing in the Heavy Weight division. Bone crushing knock out after bone crushing knock out, this young man has been able to tear his way through the entire division. Will Mir fall victim to the good old fist to jaw combination? Or will Mir over come the adversity, prove the fans wrong, and snap JDS’ arm into his own little origami creation? I can’t answer that, I’m no time traveler, but we can make pretend we’re in the past with this ridiculously awesome UFC promo that ZUFFA decided to put out.

Let’s talk about home field advantage. What does that refer to? Well, it’s a heady mixture between familiarity with the facilities, proximity to your family, and the will of the crowd that gives one team the better chance of winning a sports game. Simple, logical, and seemingly very important. Wild things can happen when you enter the enemy arena.

But how come people never talk about home field advantage for the fans? Because for the players, they’re gaining an advantage in the “winning the sports game” department. If you’ve ever gone to a professional sports game in the wrong city with the wrong jersey, you’re aware that for fans the home field advantage is in the “getting back to your car without getting a bottle broken on your skull by a guy in face paint” department. Sports fans are either the best or worst people on the planet, depending on where you’re standing.

Fiercely loyal to a fault, they engage in antics humorous (making signs, the wave, throwing squid onto the ice, pranks, zentai suits) and, uhh, not so humorous (murder). Now, every city with a professional sports team has their fare share of intense fans. I’m sure there’s even one guy willing to throw a punch over the Charlotte Bobcats. Such is the nature of sport. But there are certain franchises that inspire a real pure sickness, a level of devotion that is almost certainly unhealthy but can’t be avoided, like Cola or Bad Girls Club. Here are the High Five.

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5. Vancouver Canucks (NHL)

First of all, and I’m just gonna say this now, I’m not including any soccer teams. I know, I know, they’re crazy and whatever but I don’t know about’em and this is America. No Galaxy or Red Bulls fan gives a fuck. Canucks fans on the other hand: they care. Enough to riot. I know what you’re saying: “Canucks? High Five? Whole Milk, aren’t you a Lakers fan and don’t they riot all the time, even when they win?” Which we do (a luxury the Canucks have never had the privilege of) but we’re LA. We riot about everything.

But a riot in Vancouver? Who the fuck saw that coming. It appears that Canada’s genial, Labatt chugging, hockey loving, odd accent having jolliness is just a thin mask over a core of petulant frustration as exhibited by looting, lighting cars on fire, and staging epic photographs of youth making out. How much blood do you think the Green Men spilt that fateful eve? Enough to sate their dark masters? Apparently not, as 2012 found Luongo’s 5-hole as open as ever (pause?).

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4. Chicago Cubs (MLB)

Part of me wants to give the Cubbies fans a break because they basically have every reason to be upset. They haven’t won the series since 1908, despite having one of the most devoted fan bases ever, and probably the signature field of the league. But then the 2003 playoffs happened. Steve Bartman happened. In case you forgot, the Cubs fans toppled a guy’s entire life like it was a Jenga stack then pissed on and covered in that weird neon green relish everyone from Chicago loves so much. A guy who, by the way, was a huge Cubs fan.

The Steve Bartman story (watch the excellent ESPN doc Catching Hell for more sadness) is, to put it simply, terrifying. Mob mentality kicked in big time after the meek Bartman accidentally stopped Moises Alou from catching a foul ball, which the Cubs latched on to as the one and only reason for their loss. He ended having to quit his job and basically sit in a Saddam Hussein esque spider hole for all eternity. With his Cubs radio and headphones. Because Cubs fans are crazy.

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3. Philadelphia Phillies (MLB)

Ugh. Just, ugh. Phillies fans. Sorry guys, but even you must realize, you are just the grimiest out there. Their entire fan base appears to be made up of early morning sports radio hosts, or the guy with sad eyes who still watches his high school football games on VHS, or someone who’s taken a brewery tour more than once. The worst part is they are very aware of this and very proud of it.

So they do stuff like boo opposing teams players who get injured on the field or buy out sections at their rivals home openers. They throw bottles and batteries onto the field. They had a courtroom in their stadium at one point. A few years ago, a Phillies fan gagged himself to puke on an 11 year old girl rooting for the other team. What? Who even thinks about that?

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2. Oakland Raiders (NFL)

What could be worse than Phillies fans? Well, y’know how the Philadelphia Phanatic is really annoying because he’s dressed in a ridiculous costume? Imagine if every Philly fan looked that ridiculous. Welcome to Oakland. Looking like the bastard child of Slipknot audience, a holding cell, and the line outside of a amusement park funnel cake stand, Raiders fans have such a reputation for stabbing people that it’s actually just become a joke.

Like “oh, going to a Raiders game in the Steve Young Jersey? Try not to get stabbed lololol” but then you actually get 3 inches of cold steel plunged into your abdomen by a guy with a spraypainted trash can lid lashed to his torso with bungie cords. That, my friends, is the darkest fate of all. Luckily, the Raiders were rewarded for all their booze and bloodshed with the boon that is a 61 million dollar JaMarcus Russell contract so… even stevens I guess?

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1. Boston In General (Everything. All activities)

If all these other groups are just excitable drunken townie types who, whilst scary, are the equivalent of a mindless mob, the Boston fan contingent is the fucking Illuminati in polo shirts and backwards caps. Christ, these guys are the bane of my existence. That’s the thing about Boston fans: they will haunt you. Wherever you go, there’s someone ready to talk about how Belichick is the best coach ever and the Sox are magical, and Ray Allen is black Jesus and… oh god it’s infuriating.

Perhaps the worst part is they are perennial winners in almost all pursuits and they will rub your face in it like you’re paying them for it. They’re loud and obnoxious at games, but they’re honestly probably worse out in the real world. With their smug looks and faux-weathered Sox cap. Boston fans man. Fucking Boston fans.

Hey there, I’m Josh Ilyas, and I’m highly qualified to write about MMA for all you Mishkateers to see. Why? Simply because I’m highly qualified to do anything. Don’t question it. As interested as you are in getting to know more about me, I say we switch our focus to the current events going on in the world of Mixed Martial Arts.

A walking stack of muscle, capable of releasing sheer destruction that we thought only existed in the depths of space, Hector Lombard (31-2), has just signed to the UFC. This man fights at middle weight (185) but walks around at INHUMAN (300+ lbs of raw muscle and sheer awesomeness, I think) and gives the world’s strongest man, Mariusz Pudzianowsk, a run for his money.

This gentleman is a pure genetic freak, but wait the UFC doesn’t entertain the thought of easy fights, especially when they decide Hector should be welcomed by United States Marine Corp. veteran Brian Stann (12-4). Stann is coming off a brutal KO victory held over the not-to-be-taken-lightly Alessio Sakara. With Brian Stann holding 9 out of his 12 wins by knock out and Lombard holding 17 out of 31 wins by KO, this will not be a fight. No people, this will be 1,486 hydrogen bombs all going off at once in a black hole that leads to a place where the only way to greet someone is to thrust your fist into their skull in the most devastating way possible. Does that make sense to you? It should.

This Saturday, UFC will be on FOX again. How amazing is that? Free UFC events held on regular broadcast television. Does it get better than that? No it does not, so do not try to dispute that or change my mind or the minds of others. This card is looking pretty stacked with the likes of heavyweights Pat Barry (7-4) colliding with Lavar Johnson (16-5), middleweight contender Rousimar Palhares (14-3) looking to submit the always hard hitting Alan Belcher (17-6), the foul mouthed, knock out powered, gifted wrestler Josh Koscheck (17-5) going against Johny Hendricks (12-1) who is currently ranked #4 welterweight fighter in the world according to Sherdog.com.

BUT WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE MAIN EVENT?! LIGHTWEIGHTS NATE DIAZ (15-7) VS. JIM MILLER (21-3) FOR POSSIBLE CHAMPIONSHIP CONTERNDERSHIP? Have you ever been in championship contendership? No you haven’t, not because contendership is not a word (the correct word is contention) but because you do not have what it takes to do what these men have done. Nate Diaz (younger brother of former Strikeforce Welterweight title holder and former UFC welterweight championship contender Nick Diaz) holds 10 submission wins over opponents that not only tapped or passed out, but had the middle finger thrown their way a number of times.

Coming straight out of the 209 repping for Cesar Gracie Jiu Jitsu, the youngest member of the Scrap Pack (Jake Shields, Gilbert Melendez, both Diaz brothers) is looking to finally step up in competition in the UFC. His last two victories over Donald Cerrone and Takanori Gomi speak volumes of what this dude is capable of. (GO WATCH THOSE FIGHTS).

So what about this Jim Miller guy? The man competed in high school wrestling, collegiate wrestling for 1 year over at Virginia Tech, and has a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt under Jamie Cruz. His striking has shown great improvement over his last couple of fights, and let’s take a second to discuss his record. He is 21-3, with his only 3 losses delivered by former UFC Lightweight champion Frankie Edgar, former UFC lightweight contender Gray Maynard, and current UFC lightweight champion Ben Henderson. So what does that mean?

Jim Miller only loses to THE BEST. He feels he’s ready for a title shot and if a win over Nate Diaz doesn’t show that, I don’t know what will. But like, I really don’t know what will. In any case, this will be a main event fone the books. (I meant to text ‘for the books’ to someone, but wrote that instead. Doesn’t it sound cool?) Diverse fights all across the board, so grab some vegan boneless chicken wings, some good old root beer, and call up a few friends whom you haven’t seen since elementary school and enjoy your Cinco De Mayo with UFC on FOX.

A glorious opening round of Lord Stanley’s playoffs is finally in the books as we look ahead to the semi-finals. Just a mere 24 hours after the completion of the Devils-Panthers game 7 which saw the Devils clinch it in double overtime, tonight’s game between the Predators and Coyotes will officially kick-off round two. With that said let’s take a take a gander at the Western Conference match-ups first.

Western Conference :

(2) St. Louis Blues vs. (8) Los Angeles Kings

That country grammar St.Louie jam is still poppin’ off in Missouri with the Blues making me look like a dang genius with their dismantling of the Sharks. Up next for them is the dark horse of the West as the Kings knocked out the league’s best in Vancouver and made me look like a dang idiot.

This series will be all about the men between the pipes with a Vezina candidate against the two-headed monster of Halak and Elliot. I didn’t see LA upsetting Vancouver coming and they proved pretty much every analyst wrong in the process. Whole Milk should probably jump on the bandwagon while he has a chance since the Lake show ain’t goin’ nowhere. Why not ride the horse and say Kings in 7.

(3) Phoenix Coyotes vs. (4) Nashville Predators

Nashville cleaned the clocks of the old guard in Detroit and were the first team to qualify for round two, now the rested Preds will travel to the desert for a battle of expansion teams. Just like the above match-up this too will come down to the pipes with Pekka Rinne trying to out duel Mike Smith.

I don’t know about our beloved readers but I have no idea when the hell Mike Smith turned into Patrick Roy but boy has he been good. I don’t think anyone in Phoenix can deny he hasn’t carried this team all year long and will have to be huge against a lethal offense as both teams vie for their first conference final appearance. Preds in 6.

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Eastern Conference :

(1) New York Rangers vs. (7) Washington Capitals

The Rangers and Capitals renew pleasantries for the third time in four years as this baby of a rivalry has grown into an ugly Swedish man. Every idiot Rangers fan celebrated last night’s Game 7 win over the EIGHTH seeded Senators as if they had just won the whole shebang. Sadly for them it’s only the second round and the Caps have a young goalie to rely on (2010 much?) along with a defense first mentality once unheard of in DC.

The Rangers only scored 12 goals against the Senators and now face Braden Holtby who held his own pretty darn well against Tim Thomas and the defending Cup champs. Even Lundqvist’s IKEA sized pads can’t help him. I was being nice when I chose the Rangers over the Sens, it ends now. Caps in 6.

(5) Philadelphia Flyers vs.(6) New Jersey Devils

Perhaps no series is more exciting than this. The good ole battle of the Turnpike heads into playoffs yet again. This will be the fifth time both teams meet in the post-season with the all-time series knotted at two. While the Flyers ran through Pittsburgh and their French-Canadian goalie the Devils offer only the best one to ever play the game. Martin Brodeur will turn 40 this series but he can still pull off the big saves in big spots like nobody’s business. His counterpart had a strong end to the regular season but also let in 21 goals against Pitt.

The Devils are no Penguins although they do bring 4 strong lines stacked with grinders. They went the distance with Florida and they can go the distance with the Flyers. Despite Philly’s recent success against them I’m never going to admit my Devils stand no chance. Sorry fellow Russian goalies, Devils in 7.

Spartak’s First Round Picks: 3-5 with two perfect series

In a predictably unexciting fashion, the NBA regular season came to a close last night as 26 of the league’s teams duked it out on tired legs, most benches lined with star players, the last remaining seeding dramas having been all but locked up earlier this week. After all, not every regular season can come to such a thrilling end as last years stunning MLB race that still, in retrospect, seems like some sort of fever dream. But considering the way this season started, the simple fact that we’re actually at the playoffs is exciting.

Hindsight is always 20/20 (unless, of course, you’re Metta World Peace in which case hindsight is a bunch of shiny colors and the floating head of Mike Brown mouthing “please, stop!”) but I’ll readily admit (mostly because it’s recorded for perpetuity on the internet) that I bought into the hype surrounding the severity of the NBA lockout: I truly did not think we were going to have a season this year, and even went as far as kvetching about the next one. But, at the end of the day, Derek Fisher and Emperor Palpat- err, David Stern came to the most mundane non-solution solution ever, basically pleasing only one of the the three involved parties: the fans! Yay us! Yay America!

With a little over a month shaved off and many of the teams playing like they were in a sports movie and the training montage had yet to happen, I won’t say it was the best season of basketball ever, but you can’t fault it for lack of excitement. I mean fuck, Linsanity happened. That was a thing that was great. The Heat continued to seem embarrassingly shaky whilst simultaneously playing objectively great basketball. The Knicks quietly hung around .500 with what is secretly the most stacked lineup in the NBA (seriously, take a good hard look at that roster), avoiding ire simply because it was so bizarre to watch. The San Antonio Spurs had their Bubba Ho-Tep moment, throwing down their walkers and fruit cups and somehow winning the West, again. Oh Gregg Popovich, what mysteries does your pockmarked visage hold?

Even Boston managed to keep it together when the trade-wary Rajon Rondo put the team on da back. Blake Griffin became a villain (nothing weirder this season than watching his Kia commercials slowly shift from genial to menacing solely based on the context of his increasingly petulant play). Ricky Rubio actually worked out (somewhere, the devil is grinningly admiring David Kahn’s soul swirling in a terrified rictus), only to get monkey pawed when his leg exploded. The draft class was a non entity, pretty much save for Iman Shumpert and – cover your ears Knicks fans – 60th pick Isaiah Thomas. Basically what I’m trying to say is, weird shit was going on. It’s the motherfucking lockout shortened season. Wine mixer. Let’s take a look at the playoffs!

THE EAST:

1. Chicago Bulls (50-16) Vs. 8. Philadelphia 76ers (35-31)

If there’s one thing that the 76ers have going for them – and believe me, they don’t have much – it’s that the Bulls aren’t a really terrifying team. To be honest, none of the teams are this year, maybe owing to the short season or maybe just because. Somewhere out in the verbal ether, there is a certain combination of words that Doug Collins can say in that locker room to get his team to beat the Bulls. That may seem reductive, but it’s not always true. 1-8 matchups can be indisputable gimmes. This is not an indisputabel gimme.

It would take something between a miracle and Chicago losing their best player. Which brings me to the curious case of Derrick Rose. You know what Tom Thibodeau and the Bulls organization have not been about last year’s MVP’s? Transparent. Swollen foot and ankle does not gel with missing 20 games. I’m sorry, I don’t care if you’re on top of the division, but that’s a weirdly long time to sit out. And now Luol Deng has a torn ligament in his wrist. Listen, it’ll probably be a steamrolling but… maybe not. Still, Bulls over 76ers in 5.

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2. Miami Heat (46-20) Vs. 7. New York Knicks (36-30)

The Knicks were the team no one in the East wanted to face in the first round, and I swear to god if they can win one game then this series is going to become very, very interesting. Like “we believe” interesting. Except instead of Jason Richardson, Monta Ellis, Andris Biedrins and Baron Davis it’s actually Carmelo Anthony, Tyson Chandler, Amar’e Stoudemire and.. hey look, Baron Davis! Seriously though, this is a team – a New York team! – that has not won a single playoff game in 11 years. The amount of momentum they would get from a win? This is undoubtedly the streakiest team in the NBA, and sometimes that can be a good thing.

Also, can you imagine how insane the Garden is going to be? Luckily for Pat Riley and Erik Spoelstra, the Heat have consistently showed mental toughness and the ability to overcome large amounts of pressure. Oh wait… This might be a bold claim, but I think the Heat will either sweep or they’ll lose. The Knicks are just so much deeper than the Heat, and if either side starts to realize the potential of matchups like JR Smith and Steve Novak against Mike Miller and Joel Anthony, we might be in for the most exciting year in NYC sports (congrats Rangers!) since… ever? No pressure though. Knicks in 7. Yup. I did that.

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3. Indiana Pacers (42-24) Vs. 6. Orlando Magic (37-29)

If you’ve been to Indianapolis in the past 5 years, you’ve probably experienced the very complicated relationship they have with their NBA franchise. In many ways, it feels like a town that had their team pull up and ship out on them. Except the Bankers Fieldhouse is still right there smack in the middle of downtown, across from a Steak N Shake and a Weber Grill Restaurant, and tall men run around and throw a rubber ball at a metal ring in there. Perhaps this is the year that they can finally heal the wounds left by The Malice in The Palace. God knows they want to.

Luckily for them, this is arguably the most locked up matchup in the East. In short, the Magic have absolutely nothing. Dwight Howard is out with a dual case of back surgery and being a dickhead, the team has turned on coach Stan Van Gundy, and the rest of their roster is mediocre at best. JJ Redick going to lead you past Daren Collison, Danny Granger and Roy Hibbert? Yeah… okay. Pacers in 4 and much rejoicing for Indianapolis. Look for the Pacers to make a showing akin to last year’s Grizzlies.

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4. Boston Celtics (39-27) Vs. 5. Atlanta Hawks (40-26)

The team that’s recently fell from elite status faces the team that’s perpetually comfortable without it. This playoff matchup is extremely vanilla. I already hate the Celtics so I probably will not be watching it, even though it has the potential to go the distance more than any other East series. The Celtics are pretty good. The Hawks too, are pretty good. Okay then, let’s all go get malts and enjoy the comedy stylings of Jay Leno. He makes fun, but he’s always laughing with you!

The Hawks have a nice roster, though I’m sure they would feel a lot better if Al Horford wasn’t injured. The Celtics are old as fuck, but they have the ability to turn it on, especially if Rondo starts dishing out like 20 assists a game again. But barring Kevin Garnett ripping Joe Johnson’s head clean off after the drugs they feed him to stop his kneecaps from hula-hooping down around his legs finally burn through his shiny shiny skull. Celtics in 6… I guess?

THE WEST:

1. San Antonio Spurs (50-16) Vs. 8. Utah Jazz (36-30)

I mean what is there even to say about the Spurs at this point? That they’ve somehow discovered time travel? They’re tied for the best record in the league and the average age of their star players is 33. It’s that same exact team. That same fucking Spurs team that haunted me all throughout my high school years. Sure, there have been som good additions (hey look, Boris Diaw) and some bad (hey look, Tiago Splitter) but for the most part it’s kind of like watching a team of ghosts play, except these ghosts can kick your ass in the paint. The 2012 Spurs are the basketball equivalent of the Tupac Hologram.

The Jazz on the other hand… honestly the most notable thing about them in my mind is the fact that Gordon Hayward spent his offseason playing professional Starcraft. Now that’s a player I can get behind! Pause. They’re a mediocre team, and I think they know that they’re gonna have to just eat this one and work on getting a higher seed next year. Spurs in 5 because of narrative and the fact that I just learned Tony Parker was born in Bruges.

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2. Oklahoma City Thunder (47-19) Vs. 7. Dallas Mavericks (36-30)

The Mavericks must be so, so happy that they got those second round draft picks and Andy Rautins (who? Exactly) for Tyson Chandler in the offseason. And then picking up former 6th man of the year Lamar Odom for the price of the change under your couch cushions? Hey everyone, it’s looking like the Mavericks can make another run at the… oh wait, they’re terrible? Whoops. The Mavs surprised everyone last year when it turned out it was their narrative turn (check it out, it actually makes perfect sense in retrospect) and they won the championship and Jason Terry won the “Most Prescient Tattoo of All Time” award.

But you can’t win them all. You really, really cannot. Just look at their regular season sweep by a Lakers team that is probably worse than last year’s (I know… I know. I know.). The Thunder, on the other hand, are just crossing over the line from “woohoo, let’s see how far these young’uns can go!” to “okay, these guys better make it to the finals already” and that’s a weird, weird place to be. Just ask the Anthony-era Nuggets. That being said, if James Harden’s gray matter is okay and Russell Westbrook doesn’t start giving balls away like Bobcats season tickets (oof) they should have this one locked up in, say, 6.

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3. Los Angeles Lakers (41-25) Vs. 6. Denver Nuggets (38-28)

Okay, I’d like to take this opportunity to pat myself on the back for going 1800 words and 4/5 of this article without mentioning Kobe Bryant. That being said: KOBE BRYANT! KOBE FUCKING BRYANT! Ahh, much better. I know I’m, like, the most biased, but I think that he’s the most valuable player in the league. He’s not human. He was like .3 points away from the scoring title. He’s 33! His personal trainer might as well by MacGyver at this point. Andrew Bynum has also had what is easily his best year as a Laker. The problem is… everyone else.

Especially since the Lake show will be missing MWP for probably the entire series, Devin Ebanks and Jordan Hill have to come up big like they did against the Thunder last week. Because the Nugs (bad nickname…) are nothing to shake a stick at, and are probably deeper than the Lakers. At the same time, they have Javale McGee on their team. That is never a good sign. Lakers in 6.

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4. Memphis Grizzlies (41-25) Vs. 5. Los Angeles Clippers (40-26)

Newsflash: I’m still bitter about the Clippers getting Chris Paul and all that talk about how the Staples Center was going to become their house. Which is why I’m so elated that they’re going up against the Grizzlies in round one. The Grizz was the team you wanted to avoid this year. They’re essentially as scary as their namesake animal, and they’re playoff proven. They’re not even regular season proven and they’re playoff proven. But part of the reason I’m still so pissed about the Chris Paul thing is that Chris Paul has been playing incredibly, infuriatingly well.

So well, in fact, that he’s reminded everyone, even Clippers fans that “oh yeah, Blake Griffin is, like, not that great. Who else is on our team again? Mo Williams? Oh shit…” You can never count out a team that’s sporting CP3 on the depth chart, but they’re gonna have to bring their A game or Clipper Darrell is going to be having a good laugh while he burns a poorly crafted effigy of Donald Sterling. Grizzlies in 6.

So there you have it folks, Whole Milk’s relatively uninformed thoughts about the National Basketball Association. In case you can’t tell, I’m pretty gosh darn excited.

The first round of the NHL’s second season hasn’t reached a week and already there has been plenty of glass panes falling on players, WWF-inspired antics, nail biting overtimes, and even flying rats. It’s as if someone injected the first round with Barry Bonds like steroids with each night not only bringing a new chapter of wackiness but also getting us closer to riots in the streets that we all so dearly crave. Are you watching? No? What’s wrong with you… the road to the Cup is easily one of sports most exciting times.

The obvious big stories are of course the Flyers ability to completely steamroll the Penguins, outscoring them 20 goals to 11 and fighting everyone in black and gold and I mean everyone. They even got Hulkamania involved in the humiliation.

Out west, Whole Milk’s favorite team the Kings have outplayed the league’s best in the Canucks with one measly victory standing between them and the city of Vancouver feeling the itch to burn their town down once again.

I can’t imagine either team coming back from 3-0 down simply because they showed little heart in the first three games and while they have more firepower you can bet their opponents will play tight games to neutralize any offensive threats.

Elsewhere, the Rangers, Bruins, Blues, and Predators find themselves ahead two games to one in their respective match-ups with the remaining fixtures knotted at a game apiece. My predictions haven’t all gone accordingly but thanks to my playoff pool I’ll be able to make money off my mistakes. Only in America.

MMA expert and hard-talking Queens resident Bloodstain Lane is back with another video, this time in anticipation of the upcoming Jon Jones/Rashad Evans fight this weekend. I’m totally MMA illiterate and even I know this fight is a big deal. But, true to form, Bloodstain doesn’t let that topic cage him in for long, getting quickly into his always controversial opinions, such as why steroids should be allowed in MMA and not baseball.

And don’t worry: Bloodstain doesn’t let any of the jerk jobs get out clean, threatening to snap a motherfucker’s arm in half. Shouts to you Lane, for delivering your hilariously profane monologues whilst chilling in your driveway, can’t wait to get your reaction on the fight. It will probably be more entertaining than the thing itself.

Fighting world insider, personality, and all around superfan Bloodstain Lane is back with another edition of his marathon Q&A’s: Cigars, Manhattan Specials, and Shooting The Shit. Though this installment is unfortunately bereft of rolled tobacco products and strange espresso sodas, what it does have is Bloodstain’s rapid-fire, uncompromising font of knowledge and opinion about everything from boxing to MMA to breaking Rosie O’Donnell’s face.

Repping Mishka – as always, shouts! – Bloodstain takes twenty minutes to give an update on everything going on in the world of fighting. This dude knows his shit for real, and he doesn’t pussyfoot – pause? – around his answers at all. So don’t be a jerk job, check out the video!

Clear your schedule, hide your razor, and say goodbye to loved ones as playoff hockey is finally upon us. From the storylines, to living and dying with every goal, to those silly rally towels; everything about hockey’s second season is soon to be in our faces like Peter Laviolette and the Penguins bench.

With the road to the Stanley Cup set to kick off on Wednesday let’s take a look at each of the first round match-ups followed by my flavorfully bold predictions.

Eastern Conference :

(1) New York Rangers vs. (8) Ottawa Senators

The Rangers ended the regular season just two points shy of the league’s best record, captured their first division title since 1994, and have been considered a strong favorite to lift Lord Stanley’s mug. Their first challenge in their quest to return to the Canyon of Heroes since 94 pits them against an Ottawa team which beat them three games to one in the regular season.

Both teams have slipped up towards the end of the year and I can see this series going either way. Despite hating the Rangers, they have much more offense weapons not to mention Henrik Lundqvist and let’s be honest, when was the last time Ottawa won anything memorable? Oh that’s right, never. Rangers in 6.

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(2) Boston Bruins vs. (7) Washington Capitals

The defending cup champions battle a team that at times this season had no business thinking about the playoffs and probably don’t belong in the postseason. Even though they play in the easiest division in hockey, they still needed until the second to last game to even qualify for the playoffs. Their division is so bad that four of the qualified teams from the Atlantic division would have run away with the title by a landslide.

If the Caps were smart they would get the President to record a special message just to piss off Tim Thomas because they don’t have much else going for them. Don’t forget they are likely relying on their third-string goalie against the third highest scoring team. Good luck! Bruins in 5.

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(3) Florida Panthers vs. (6) New Jersey Devils

Of all the teams to draw in an opening round matchup, my Devils fared quite well with the Panthers. They face a team returning to the playoffs for the first time in 12 years (who were also last eliminated by the Devils) and who like the aforementioned Caps also hail from the easiest division in hockey.

Despite splitting the regular season series the likes of Ilya Kovalchuk, Zach Parise, Patrik Elias, and Martin Brodeur outmatch Tomas Fleischmann and Brodeur’s one-time backup Scott Clemmensen. Plus the Devils should do better in home elimination scenarios as yours truly has retired from series deciding games thanks to three straight years of witnessing cup dreams crash and burn. No thank you. Devils in 5.

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(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs (5) Philadelphia Flyers

This right here is the best series in the first round hands down. The amount of hatred between these two state rivals is through the roof. Someone is probably going to die in this series. The amount of goons on these two teams is the perfect storm for what promises to be a controversially riveting match-up. Sidney Crosby will likely get another concussion yet still manage to get some asinine number of points.

Evgeni Malkin will likely turn his focus on his second Conn Smythe having just wrapped up his second Art Ross trophy for most points. All the while, Scott Hartnell and one of the Penguins countless goons will tussle (hopefully every game) before an eventual winner is decided. The Flyers will rely heavily on the universal powers of Ilya Bryzgalov as the $51 million man shows his true worth. This one is real a toss-up as I really don’t want to see either team later on. Penquins in 7.

Western Conference:

(1) Vancouver Canucks vs. (8) Los Angeles Kings

Just like last year, the Canucks finished the regular season with the best record and the President’s Trophy that comes with it. This year saw some goalie controversy between Roberto Luongo and Cory Schneider as the back-up made his case to be no.1 as trade rumors swirled around both of them. Luckily for Canucks fans they’re both still there and could split time should Luongo’s play begin to diminish in the later rounds.

The Kings were expected to push towards the top by season’s end but their medicore play never quite went away as they were pipped by the rival Sharks in the last game to drop to 8th. Luckily, Jonathon Quick has had himself a Veznia like year and could easily steal a game or two. While the two teams split the series the depth lies heavily in the Canucks corner plus I know everyone secretly wants to see them do this again. Canucks in 6.

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(2) St. Louis Blues vs. (7) San Jose Sharks

If there was one team I didn’t expect too much from this year, and finish where they did, it was the Blues. Having won their first division title since 2000 in a division where the Red Wings have practically owned since its inception is quite the feat. The arrival of Ken Hitchcock saw the team soar to the top of the conference as they were the first ones to clinch a berth. The two-headed monster of goalies’ Jaroslav Halak and Brian Elliot were also a huge reason the Blues have been so good as both had a goals against average of under 2.

The Sharks meanwhile were at times looking to tank out of the playoff picture for the first time since 2002 and aren’t so scary as they use to be. Their goaltending continues to be their achilles heel and have already been swept by Nelly’s favorite team having been outscored 11-3 in the process. So Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Blues in 5.

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(3) Phoenix Coyotes vs. (6) Chicago Blackhawks

If few expected the Blues to be as good this year as they were then I imagine no one expected much of anything from the off-season gutted ‘Yotes. A team which has been linked for a move back to Canada for years playing in front of miniscule crowds in the desert pulls out their first ever division win while being bankrolled by the league isn’t your average story. Thanks mostly to Mike Smith playing out of his mind the Coyotes are actually favored to advance beyond the first round for the first time ever.

Chicago actually finished with more points than Phoenix but thanks to the division champion rule will start off on the road. Their defense and goaltending hasn’t been so stellar but their offense should Jonathon Towes return make them way more dangerous. It’s a toss up really. Blackhawks in 7.

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(4) Nashville Predators vs. (5) Detroit Red Wings

We have ourselves another doozy in the other middle table match-up that features great goaltending, the old guard vs the new guys, and solid coaching. The win now Predators went as far as bringing back a player that spurned them for more money abroad in Alexander Radulov who hopes to help carry the offensive load. The only coach they’ve known will pit his wits against one of the greatest minds in hockey as this fairly new rivalry promises to entertain.

I kind of see the good ole days for the Wings at an end as they face a team trying so hard to win before free agency starts as if were their last. Detroit might be too old to stick it out with the younger Preds but then again they’re only three years removed from a Cup final and only four from winning the whole thing. The team has been a fixture in the playoffs having qualified for 22 straight years so it’s hard picking against them. They definitely have something left in the tank but I’m not sure it takes them too far. Wings in 7.

I’ll be covering the playoffs for the Bloglin to see how I either Nostradamused the ish out of my picks or failed miserably.

This morning, Peyton Manning decided that he is going to be playing for the Denver Broncos. What exactly, we may now ask, is the driving narrative of the upcoming NFL season? American football is the sport that most resembles our classical conception of human warfare, and as such it is consistently imposed upon by the tug and pull of narrative necessities, almost no action free of symbolism or repercussion. Even more so than the perennially “cursed” franchises of the MLB, there always seem to be certain things in the NFL that must happen because that’s what the story says. We experienced this collectively as a nation last year when Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow upended everything we thought we knew about quarterback play, and won a seemingly endless string of games in the most exciting, improbable, most heart-swellingly American way possible. He was the Evangelical Christian that everyone could love.

Somewhat more quietly, in a Midwest manufacturing city that holds over 1 million residents but in its ethos of “you can walk anywhere and probably find a good steak on the way” resembles something akin to an apple pie on a windowsill or perhaps fried food brought to you by someone on rollerskates, the darker side of narrative was rearing its ugly head. If Tom Brady is the Achilles of the NFL – all glowing intensity, Hellenic jawline, petulant intensity and confounding weakness (that being Eli Manning. There’s the narrative again…) – then the former Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is Hector. He was never beleaguered, despite the overwhelming feeling that he carried the fate of the city on his broad shoulders, decked in the subdued, theatrics free blue and white of a Colts jersey. He was (temporarily) slain by a neck injury, one which we now think may have been intentionally caused by former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams (because narrative).

Sidelined for the season, he (and the rest of us) watched as our unfortunate guesses were confirmed: Indy fell hard and fast and with Troy’s grim purpose. To make matters worse, Peyton’s injury (and subsequent recovery from neck surgery) was never guaranteed to heal (and I suppose we still don’t know the end result of that) and the prospect of paying Peyton another 23 million for a season as bad as this one was apparently too much for owner Jim Irsay, who prior to the inevitable cutting of the greatest thing to ever happen to the franchise, exhaustively cleaned administrative house. He even sent away city favorite (and Peyton Manning drafter) Bill Polian, confirming that he didn’t want any Cordelia’s in his ear as he pursued his darker purpose.

So now the hero must choose his new home, and the hopeful subjugate themselves at his feet to varying degrees of embarrassment. The San Francisco 49ers have perhaps irrevocably tarnished their already tenuous relationship with quarterback Alex Smith, openly pursuing Peyton despite their much heralded success last year, and have nothing to show for it except the Dolphins jersey Smith will probably send the front office as a fuck you when he (most likely) takes his talents, dubious as they may be, to South Beach this year. Titans owner Bud Adams made the most painfully genuine plea of all, offering Peyton a “lifetime contract” in a move so stinking of desperation that he damned his chances at the former University of Tennessee player the second he made it.

Then there were the victors: the Denver Fucking Broncos. America wants Tim Tebow to win in Mile High. We like the thought of him up there, closer to god. We also want Peyton Manning to rise to even greater heights than before, and win a Super Bowl (perhaps running through the Andrew Luck captained Colts on the way). So what do we want now? If anyone thinks that Tebow will stick around in Denver under the tutelage of Manning… well, I just don’t think that will happen. I think John Elway knows what he has, and doesn’t have, in Tim Tebow.

What he doesn’t have is a skilled quarterback, and to be honest I don’t think that Tim Tebow will ever be that person. Very rarely do those abilities just click into place, especially since Tebow has such a strong and established style. What he does have is a momentum player, one who can draft with expertise on the always impressive power of narrative. And that player, especially now, is no good on the bench. Don’t forget that Denver actually has another QB on its roster who is ripe for training: the Notre Dame pariah Brady Quinn (UPDATE: whelp, looks like Quinn left town for the Chiefs this weekend. Shows how much I know…). So yes, Tim Tebow will almost certainly be traded. Where? Jacksonville maybe: Owner Shahid Khan is in deep water with his fans, and Tebow is such a gimme pick as far as likability, that I’m sure he sees him as a big, jersey selling band-aid.

Or hell, maybe he’ll usurp Smith’s assumed position in Miami, or Bud Adams will exercise his scorn in strange ways and pick up the young man (a terrible idea for that team, by the way). Know this: wherever he ends up, odds are it will feel strangely right. And at some point next season, they will match up against the Denver Broncos. Then, before that game starts, as all of America tunes in, and the two quarterbacks warm up in silence in Mile High stadium, maybe we’ll all already know exactly how it’s going to play out.