So it’s that time of year again: the Academy Awards are this weekend. I’m gonna do something really original and edgy and cool and talk about how LAME the Oscars are and how everyone who votes is a big old white dummy-dude (seriously though, you guys all saw that article right?) and how the movies they pick are all dumb and stoopid and how the ceremony is too long and boring and enjoys the smell of its own farts. You know you’re in a bad place when Oscar hating is so common that it’s now the norm and being into them is the new counterculture.

Now watch me have this piece of fucking cake and eat it too, internet. Because y’know why the Oscars get so much hate? Because they legitimately suck and make bad decisions. This is by no means a new thing. Crappy flicks have been winning that golden dildo for decades now, and we eat it up like the wonderful, iPad-having pigs that we are. Some years you could even be convinced that you were ready the list of Razzie winners. There are some in particular that stand out though, so today I’m going to talk about the 5 worst movies ever to win Best Picture. Bear in mind I’m not taking into account egregious snubs. For instance: Ordinary People is a perfectly fine movie, but it’s probably the worst best picture winner ever solely because it somehow beat Raging Bull. This is not that list. This is a list of legitimate badness. Here are the High Five.

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Honorable Mentions: Around The World In 80 Days (1956) & Driving Miss Daisy (1989)

Alright so let’s start slow. Rule of thumb: if you’re movie can later be easily remade as a later years Jackie Chan vehicle and no one bats an eye, instead saying “oh yeah. That makes sense I guess,” then you were probably never meant to be best picture material in the first place. This film does have a classic Saul Bass credits sequence, I’ll give it that, but the ensuing 3 hours are more or less interminable.

Driving Miss Daisy, on the other hand, is just plain tone deaf. Like, very very difficult to watch at this point. Not only is it schmaltzy and saccharine to the max (a common theme among Oscar winners) but it’s not-so-covertly pretty fucking racist. The fact that it’s become such a pun is a testament to the fact that we’ve all collectively decided that we made a grave, grave error with this one.

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5. The Hurt Locker (2010) – Dir. Kathryn Bigelow

A more or less brain dead action film that shamelessly latched onto a horrific war and rode that gravy train straight to Oscar glory. This movie is goofy as shit, and it pisses me off how much love it got, especially in the screenplay department. I will admit that, at least the first few bomb disarming sequences ratchet up a respectable level of tension, but as the film moves along it becomes very apparent just how dumbly this movie is approaching a gravely serious topic. This movie is secretly about as serious as Kathryn Bigelow’s far superior Point Break.

From bizarre stunt castings to a cavalcade of clunkers like “Be the best that I can be? What if the best I can be is a body on the side of an Iraqi street?” (yeesh…) I found myself face-palming numerous times throughout this self-serious mess. It also happens to have one of the most ill-conceived and tonally confusing endings I’ve seen in a long time. The fact that Iraq war veterans consistently decry this movie publicly puts some embarrassing flies on top of the feces cake.

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4. A Beautiful Mind (2001) – Dir. Ron Howard

What we talk about when we talk about Oscar bait. Russel Crowe indulges all his dimmest and most misguided actor moves in this cringe-worthy story of mental illness and genius. He jumps and tic’s and skitters around as mathematician John Nash, replacing any sort of character depth with surface level mannerisms that just scream “my brain is broken, durrr!”. Then there’s the whole part where you’re informed the first 3rd of the movie, y’know the interesting part, never really happened at all. That’s fine at the end of a movie. Maybe.

But you cannot do that in the middle. No! Because then you can’t… it just… I mean… it’s so stupid! The movie also has pretty much nothing to say about mental illness, and it conveniently glosses over the more unfortunate aspects of John Nash’s personality, not to mention the fact that it never really establishes him as a genius in the world of the film beyond the scenes in which he’s fucking hallucinating. Mad wack homie.

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3. Oliver! (1968) – Dir. Carol Reed

A British musical starring kids? Oh god, just end me now. What’s that? There’s two and a half hours left? And they’re in an orphanage. Son of a bitch. This one might come more from my personal disposition more than any of the others, but I just can’t stand this interminable sing-fest. We had to watch it in elementary school and it gave me boredom nightmares for years.

Then I rewatched it later thinking “hey, there’s no way it was that bad right? I mean, it says on the box that it was Best Picture? This is gonna be-” that’s where I black out. When I came to I was naked and the DVD player was just stuffed with organ meat. “Can I have some more please?” No. No you may not.

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2. American Beauty (1999) – Dir. Sam Mendes

This movie is the equivalent of those gigantic Swiss Army Knives that are like 18 inches long and come with every blade or tool that’s ever been used by a biped. Sam Mendes’ debut picture is so stuffed with tricks and flourish that it barely has enough room to fellate itself. Don’t worry though, it finds a way. Repeatedly. Perhaps the film’s greatest sin is consistently begging you to like protagonist Lester Burnham, an asshole solipsist played to infuriating perfection by Kevin Spacey.

I swear I’m not a guy who is put off by white people problem movies. Hey, I fucking loved Greenberg! But American Beauty forces even me to call bullshit on the self-importance of the whole enterprise. Chris Cooper’s character is also incredibly problematic, managing to somehow be criticized by the film for being homophobic while also making the film incredibly homophobic. It’s a double rainbow of shittiness!

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1. Crash (2005) – Dir. Paul Haggis

Well, we all knew this was going to be here right? It combines all the worst traits of the movies above and somehow makes it even worse than the sum of its parts. Then – here’s the crazy part- like, everything is connected. Man. Crash is the ultimate trolling movie, and Paul Haggis laughed his ass to the winners podium on the back of a film that stars not only Ryan Phillipe, but also Ludacris and Brendan Frasier. For being a movie supposedly about what it’s like to live in a city, you get the feeling Haggis had never been in one before, perhaps having spent his life up to that point on the set of a soap opera. Is is racist? Check. Bad music? You betcha. Emotionally manipulative? The bullets are blanks! Over plotted? Does the Pope fucking hate this movie? I know it’s cliche to say, but I seriously doubt (and hope) there will ever be a Best Picture winner worse than this.

You see  fascinating never ending streams of traffic. You are bound to see lots of construction, potholes and double parked mini vans. Maybe a Nissan Maxima trying to run you over? A van that won’t slow down. You are going to need some advice to know which whip to get.

The variations of hazards seem to never end. Having a car is a great asset in society, even in the face of bicycles and public transit, cars rule the streets! This list is the type of cars you can see your self driving day to day. Here is a High Five about cars!

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5. Volkswagon Jetta Hybrid

Yeah, I threw a “brid” on it. I think at this point in time, if you haven’t driven a hybrid, then let me say as someone who has rented a Prius, they basically use no gas. I drove from NYC to NJ twice back and forth, and all over Manhattan for less than $10. That means more money for pizza and snapbacks! Tight.

So yeah, I think the new VW Jetta body style is pretty dope and the interior is functional and clean. Really tasteful lines that remind me of a neutered Audi. You could blend in nicely with this one. A bookish look can deter suspicion as well.

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4. Chevy Impala

It’s a cop car. This thing is crazy sketch because it blends in, yet it stands out. People will get out of your way when you drive this car. Don’t be stupid and get it in fire engine red, the FEDs don’t rock the red ones, and everyone will know your just driving your grandma’s Chevy to the levy.

You should get silver paint. Tinted windows. NO spoiler. Cop cars don’t have spoilers! This is a great time tested work vehicle. I imagine you could beat the hell out of it, idle in a parking lot for 8 hours, and then pit maneuver the hell out of someone in this thing. Yeah.

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3. Mini Coupe

This is the car for someone who really likes to drive. I have driven a Mini before and it’s mad fun. They handle super well, and the acceleration is gnarly if you push it. However, there is basically no room for anything else but yourself inside of it. As long as your just using it to commute, and not carrying anything from Home Depot or something you should be OK.

This is the new Coupe model, and it features a pop-up spoiler, and omits the backseat and hatchback completley. Super easy to parallel park too, which is dope. The Mini site has millions of customization options. Use this car to maneuver your way through gridlocked city missions, then park it in your broom closet.

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2. Scion FR-S

This thing is super rad and brand new to the scene. I’m feeling it. That front bumper is agro! But the tech specs are awesome too! Features a 6 speed manual or paddle shifters. Rear wheel drive. 2 doors. It’s got a few horses under the hood too. I would tint the windows dark as hell son! Everyone is going to be watching your every move in this one.

This is the car you want to drift the fuck out of. Attracting attention will be easy in this Scion. This sweet import will hold you tightly, and make you hot on your block. Careful if you drive crazy in this car, because that rear wheel drive will kick your ass all over the place.

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1. BMW 1M

This is that one car that I think is actually engineered to destroy the competition. Lesser cars want to be this car. Anyway, this is such a sick whip because of how versatile it is, as well as aesthetically on point. I really appreciate the proportions of this particular vehicle. Black on black please.

I got a thing for BMW angel eye headlights. I’m sure it’s amazing behind the wheel as well. The thing I like about it most, is that it looks like it wants to be driven. Raced. I love the seats in BMWs also. Mad side bolsters. It looks and feels like you could do anything in it. Well, except drive in the snow.

Ahh, the munchies. How I loved you. Though I no longer smoke weed (a handy case of cannabis-inspired anxiety put that habit to bed about two years ago), the aspect that I without a doubt miss the most is the munchies. Eating, as for most cool humans, is already one of my favorite things. That a leafy green plant could take the foods I already loved and take them to a totally new level was astounding from the first time I hit a bong.

The trip to the fridge/pantry/deli post-blaze is of the utmost importance, lest you have to venture back out to satisfy a powerful craving of an item sadly forgotten. After all, everyone has that one specific item that they just must have, even if it’s something weird (I knew a kid who swore by cough drops, but hey, it’s his high). Nevertheless, there are some foods that definitely fall in the “munchies” umbrella, and I’ve tried to collect the best here. I avoided items that required using the oven or stove because fuck that, as well as sit down restaurants. I’m sure getting baked out of your skull and eating at The French Laundry would be awesome, but that’s not really achievable for everyone. So, without further adieu, here are the High Five. Man.

Honorable Mention: Whatever The Fuck You Have Laying Around

This, really, is the beauty of the munchies. There are no rules! I considered putting this at number one, but decided that was probably a cop out. Nevertheless, some of my favorite munchie memories are of totally random shit, usually combined with peanut butter or Nutella. Or weird leftovers, like beef stroganoff or stuffed cabbage. Got cheeses? Grind’em up over that shit and hit it to the microwave son!

Fruit cups? Slurp’em down like there’s no tomorrow. Go through a bakers doz’ and ruin your stomach. String cheese, of course, luncheon meats (wrap some kraft singles around them, don’t be scared little buddy), deviled eggs, stale chips magically become good again, weird frozen dinners, that one starfruit, white bread + condiments, and pretty much anything else.

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5. Powdered Hostess Donuts/Donettes

Some people – read: fools – will tell you that you need to take the trek out to your local bakery to pick up some fresh n’ warm donuts for maximum munchie effectiveness. Not the case! Nothing is better than a sleeve of powdered (powdered only! fuck outta here with the devil’s food) Hostess donuts. If you’ve done this before, you will know that whatever weird chemicals is in the processed powdered sugar produces a strange tingly cold feeling (like those weird “cold” gums) in a stoned person’s taste buds.

It’s part taste experience and part sensory hallucination and all fun. Plus, if you’re feeling real plexx you can throw them down in one bite, or rock the whole sleeve like Homer Simpson out of that donut hopper in that one Treehouse of Horror. Also, extremely cheap/easy to procure.

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4. Cereal & Milk/Momofuku Cereal Milk Ice Cream

This is sort of my highbrow/lowbrow category. Plus, I had to do at least one actual NYC shoutout. But I didn’t want to be exclusive, so the first option is good old cereal and milk. I would suggest Frosted Flakes, Cap’n Crunch (though those can do some terrible damage to the roof of your mouth if you’re really grubbin’ down), Oreo O’s (if you have a time machine), Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Strawberry HBO’s. The milk will prevent cottonmouth, and then you can drink its sugary goodness at the end.

Which brings me to my next point: Momofuku Milk Bar products in general, but most importantly their cereal milk concoctions. An idea so devious it could only come from the devil himself. Or, more likely, Momofuku pastry chef Christina Tosi. They basically do the hard part for you (I use that term loosely), by soaking delicious cereals in milk, bottling it, and selling it to you for a fair price. Or turning it into a soft serve. Fuck, that stuff is delicious. Plus, it sorta feels like you’re eating something from Willy Wonka.

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3. Frozen Charleston Chews

Alright, so maybe this is my kind of personal item, but I really think everyone would love it if they tried it. If you’re a Charleston Chew consumer, you probably already do this, but this particular candybar is inexplicably not very popular. They also don’t sell them everywhere, and sometime they only have wack flavors. Don’t fuck around, you want the classic, the ones in the yellow wrapper. And not the minis. Totally different experience.

Throw that taffy/milk chocolate wonderstick in your freezer for a little while and then take a big bite. Make sure you don’t break your teeth. Once again you get a fun cold sensation, but within second the crunchy taffy will go through an invigorating state-change from crystalline and solid to super chewy, like a Now N’ Later in high speed. It’s like a science experiment, but covered in chocolate. PROTIP: if you’re feeling extra stoney, chase with grape soda for bonus loss of self-worth.

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2. In-N’-Out Double Double w/ Pink Lemonade

I like In N’ Out. I don’t love it like the rest of my California brethren do. It’s a very good burger (I prefer the fries, to be honest) but I don’t necessarily think it’s the end all be all. Except I will cop to the fact that it is a fantastic stoner location. It has palm trees, and that funky diner aesthetic that wards off any negative thoughts. The menu is small and easily memorizable, so you won’t have to think about your order or get overwhelmed (that’s the big danger of Sonic).

Plus, ordering off the “secret” menu feels more clandestine when you’re high, even though everyone and their mother knows about animal style and the flying dutchman and whatever else. The shakes are hearty and packed with sugar, but the real beverage choice must be the pink lemonade. They know it’s good, that’s why it gets its own fountain. Grab your DD from those friendly Mormon’s and chow down: you’re in America now!

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1. Fridge Pizza

Congratulations to you, cold pizza from out the fridge, you are officially the best stoner food! Take a bow! Now, when this list started you knew pizza was going to be on it. Probably near the top. But you probably thought it would be fresh or at least freshly delivered. Incorrect. There are myriad reasons why morning/day or two day (don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone) old pizza is much better.

Firstly, you have instant control over the temperature. You can have it cold, which I prefer and is totally good. Want a little heat? Microwave. Fresh delivered pizza is often mouth burningly hot, but you want to tuck in now! What to do? Put it in the freezer? C’mon man, have some self respect. Also, if it’s in the fridge, it doesn’t really feel like you’re buying it (or at least, you don’t have to transact money then and there). It’s like a wondrous gift, especially if you forgot you had it. Finally, given some time in the fridge, the flavors of the different toppings can really marry together and take on new and interesting dimensions. The cheese (and some other stuff) develops glutamic acid crystals for a boost of Umami goodness.

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So there you have it. What’re your favorites?

Every straight guy has at least one man crush. Don’t deny it. You may just want said gentleman to be your hetero-lifemate or what have you, but don’t lie to yourself: you’re crushin’ bro. Whether it be an athlete or an actor or whoever, there’s a reason that the “…and guys want to be him” part of that saying exists. I’d say we’re living in a pretty fertile time as far as man crushes.

The whole concept of the bromance is in its richest period. Looking back at stars of the nineties and early oughts we have people like Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Will Smith. Cool dudes? Sure. Man crushes? Prolly not homie. Everyone comfortable with their sexuality? Good. Let’s get down to business. Here are my High Five.

MP†C’s Honorable Mention: Ryan Gosling (Born 1980)

I had to include Gosling just to appease My Pal The Crook, who harbors some pretty serious man love for the blue-eyed star of things like Drive and, more importantly, The Notebook. And who am I to argue? Ryan Gosling is pretty much the perfect candidate for a man crush. He’s handsome. Like, ridiculously handsome. But he also doesn’t seem like an asshole, and he’d probably be a good dude to have some beers with.

Plus he is much more badass than he originally appears, or at least his characters are. I mean, who wouldn’t want to squirrel away that scorpion jacket, Brokeback style in the back of your closet, only to fish it out every once and awhile to remember your hunting trip or karaoke tournament with the man who was once Young Hercules. Also, as is often the case with man crushes, you kind of can’t get mad at your girlfriend for liking him too.

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Honorable Mention: Chad Muska in Fulfill The Dream (circa 1998)

That’s a pretty man doing pretty things right there.

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5. Lil’ B (Born 1989)

What can I say? He’s a pretty bitch! Brandon McCartney, if you’re reading this, I wanna hang out w/ u. You can come and spit based freestyles at my apartment whenever you want. We can ride scraper and eat wonton soup and talk about what celebrities we look like. Ahh. Lil B is captivating enough through horribly horribly compressed audio files, imagine how luminous the Based God would be IRL? Motherfucker probably glows like the most wonderful christmas tree.

Plus, you get like three guys in one, with the Based God, nice Lil B, and ridiculous Lil B. My friend saw him in concert at the Bowery Ballroom about 2 years ago, and apparently for the first 45 minutes he just came out in one of his patented tiny shirt/tiny pants outfits and talked over the entirety of M83′s Saturdays=Youth. Swoon…

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4. Adam Scott (Born 1973)

So this one is a little random but I dunno, I just like him. I first saw him in Step Brothers and just thought he was really really funny and likable and from then on I’ve just had this legitimate wish for his success. I really wanted him to be famous and make more funny stuff, it just seemed like he deserved it. Thankfully, he did! With roles on Parks & Recreation and, of course, the fan-fucking-tastic Party Down, Adam Scott really did end up making it.

Now everyone can watch and love Adam Scott. Normally, once the success is achieved, the crush/hope kind of fades away but I’m still on the Scott train. I watch pretty much anything he’s in, even stuff that looks really shitty. Plus, I mean, he’s cute in sort of a nebbish way. Right?

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3. Michael Fassbender (Born 1977)

Look at that jawline. C’mon. This falls into the Cary Grant/Kevin Costner/William Hurt/Early Mickey Rourke “dude I just want to be you let’s trade lives” kind of crush. Plus he’s a really fantastic actor to boot. I think I saw Hunger first, and I was like “damn, that skinny Irish dude can act like a motherfucker. Eww, poop smeared walls.” Then I saw Inglorious Bastards and was like “Oh word, Hunger dude. Damn, he’s handsome as a motherfucker.”

Since then, he’s consistently chosen roles and conducted himself in ways that make me like him even more. More Steve McQueen movies, this time featuring the tabloid dubbed “fasspenis”? Sure! Playing Carl Jung in a David Cronenberg movie? Yeah-huh. Ridley Scott’s Prometheus? Now this is just getting ridiculous…

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2. Kobe Bryant (Born 1978)

Love me some Kobe. Black Mamba is probably the guy I would hang in poster form above my bed. Perhaps one of my internet fans wants to buy me a Kobe Bryant fathead? What’s that? I don’t have any? Moving on… I grew up a really intense Lakers fan, and am to this day, so obviously I love Kobe Bryant, from his mini-fro young gun days to his broken bodied current incarnation as the NBA’s still monstrous elder statesman.

I also get overly protective when defending him to his many detractors. You don’t wanna slander Kobe in front of me. Cuz I’ll bring the heat for that dude. Also, anyone else remember this bizarre photo shoot? I sure do.

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1. Nic Cage (Born 1964)

Shocker, I know. For me, there is no other number 1. Nic Cage is just that dude. I will – and have – see everything he has ever been in. I read his comic book. I listen to interviews with him. I write essays about him. I just love Nic Cage. He’s magnetic yo! Plus, no lie, I think he’s really handsome.

If I ever saw this dude IRL, I think I might melt into the ground. I believe that’s what they call Bieber Fever. Any man who can wear a gold snakeskin jacket like that, officially is thecoolest dude around. I <3 U Nic Cage!

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So there you have it. Anyone else wanna chime in? Ladies with some latent Sapphic feelings perhaps?

I’ve always kind of been obsessed with bands second singles.  A lot of times I think first singles generally blow and that artists save their big guns for later, which I’m all about.  Sometimes a band’s first hit is so huge that that it overshadows everything else that they could bring to the table…enter this blog post.

I’m going to break you off with some of my favorite songs by one hit wonders after their initial…wonder.

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5. Kris Kross – I Missed the Bus

So this isn’t actually that good of a song but the video is fucking amazing.  Obviously Kris Kross had trouble keeping up momentum after the novelty of “Jump” and their backwards pants wore off.  I wonder where they are now….

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4. Spacehog – Mungo City

OK so I love Spacehog, fuck you. “In The Meantime” in one of those perfect pop songs, right up there with “Bittersweet Symphony” and “L Dopa.” The actually had a bunch of other singles from three albums in total, this is the best other one from their best album The Chinese Album. YAY.

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3. Alien Ant Farm – Movies

Here is another actual BAD song but I want to tell this story:  So “Movies” was actually AAF’s first single but it didn’t chart so well.  So what did they do?  They pulled an ORGY and just released a famous cover for their next single.  “Smooth Criminal” blew up but then they found themselves with another dilemma…what do they follow that up with.  With no more “hits” left they decided their only option was go back and release their first single, “Movies,” as a single again!  Unreal.  So here is the retardely epic big budget version of “Movies.”  Enjoy.

PS: One time I saw Alien Ant Farm at Van’s Warped Tour and the lead singer was bitching about people throwing garbage at them.  PUNK!

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2. City High – Caramel

Remember City High’s hit song R&B “What Would You Do?” about the ethics of prostitution? Yeah me neither. BUT they did have this pretty amazing second single that is WAY less depressing and has a video which I guess is just a black version of “Weird Science.”

PS: I definitely got drunk two weeks ago and edited out that Eve verse, best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

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1. Marcy Playground – St. Joe On the School Bus

Let’s just get right into it…this very well could be the greatest song ever made (it is also the second song with the word “Bus” in it on this list so there is that).  In fact this whole album, Marcy Playground by Marcy Playground, is amazing slept on stuff. I’m going to go ahead and throw out that “Sex and Candy” might be the WORST song on this album.

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Ok, that’s it.  Did I miss any good ones?  Let me know, people.

Listing can be really hard. Five? Only a measly five? Maybe I can slip in an Honorable Mention or two if I’m feeling saucy but still. How am I supposed to distill the career of seminal American filmmaker John Carpenter down into a handful of films? The 64 year old mustachioed Texan (who looks quite a measure older) emerged from USC film school in the early Seventies with almost no money and a shitload of drive. Since then he’s directed over 20 movies and is, without a doubt, one of the most underappreciated filmmakers of our time.

Often pigeonholed to pure horror, which is a pretty great place to be pigeonholed, Carpenter is also a master of suspense, action, humor, Sci-fi, and yes, even drama. He’s a deft social commenter who also never lets his message get in the way of pure unbridled entertainment, not the least of which comes from his numerous and iconic self-composed scores. Tough list. Very tough list indeed.

Honorable Mentions: Big Trouble In Little China (1986) & In the Mouth of Madness (1995)

Gosh, even by getting to this point I’ve already had to leave off like 3-4 real stingers, but oh well. First up in the also-rans is Big Trouble In Little China, one of the most gleefully goofy and unabashedly bizarre movies to come out of the 80s. And that’s saying something. One of many winning combinations between Carpenter and star Kurt Russell, Big Trouble is a laugh-a-minute “wtf is going on here” action adventure that takes you below San Francisco and beyond. Way, way beyond.

Next up is In The Mouth Of Madness. If you’ve been reading the blog for a while you’ll know that I’m a real Cthulhu nut, and Madness is secretly one of the best filmic adaptations of the Cthulhu mythos. “Do you read Sutter Cane?” is one of my favorite Carpenter moments (watch the movie, please) and having rewatched this recently I can say that it is genuinely frightening. Plus, I mean, who doesn’t love Sam Neill in a horror movie?

5. Starman (1984)

What a strange little (well, not that little) movie this is. This is not one, to be honest, that I warmed to the first time I saw it. Compared to his other works its much quieter, which is not usually what you say about a country-spanning alien adventure tale. Except it’s not really an adventure tale, is it? It’s a love story. Bawww. But seriously though it’s a really affecting love story.

It’s got a lot of fun alien stuff in it too (who doesn’t love those silver spheres. C’mon.) but at its beating extraterrestrial heart this is a great acting job by Karen Allen and especially (so especially) Jeff Bridges. People don’t really talk about this movie ever. Shame. Tenderness yo.

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4. Prince of Darkness (1987)

Donald Pleasance, Alice Cooper (??), and a tube of sentient green liquid that is actually the devil star in this, the second installment in Carpenter’s Apocalypse trilogy. This movie is intensely claustrophobic, as the science team realizes just how trapped they are, despite being in the middle of Los Angeles. That’s actually one of my favorite parts of the movie, how a place that seems mundane and safe slowly reveals itself to be quite the opposite.

This one also has a great score, with just wall to wall tones on it. So. Many. Tones. Maybe it’s Carpenter going slightly over the top (sonically) but I dig it, it kinda keeps you one edge the whole way through, never letting the tension deflate. There’s also some more abstract sections of this move that I dig a whole lot. Check that space beyond the mirror realm.

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3. They Live (1988)

Well there’re books about this satirical gem. This is where it starts to get wild how a movie this great and this iconic can still be number three on someone’s list. In the hands of anyone else, this movie is a disaster. A total disaster. I mean consider it at face value: it’s almost impossible to explain why this movie is so great, but it just really is. The imagery is so memorable. The one liners. Roddy Piper is an amazing cipher. The alley brawl.

The first time he puts on the glasses is one of those “where in gods name did this all come from?” moments. Definitely Carpenter at his most brazenly satirical, They Live is one of those movies that’s just a little different (a little better? yes) each time you watch it. One of my favorite “cult classics” if you will.

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2. Halloween (1978)

This list actually started out as a “Best Slashers” list, but I very quickly decided that Michael Myers was the clear and obvious winner, which got me thinking about how insanely great Halloween is and… well here we are. I love slasher movies. Love’em to death. This is the best one. Hate to say it, but almost all the others are cheap imitations of the dude Myers. Even you Jason.

The part about this movie that’s so fucking great is the really genius amount of restraint Carpenter has with his scares. He may stab a bunch of people, but Michael Myers (special shout out to that mask. That fucking mask) is never scarier than when he’s lurking quietly in the shadows, slowly moving in and out of frame. The shot composition in this film is really incredible. As is the, once again, totally iconic score. What could be better than this? Oh wait…

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1. The Thing (1982)

Duh! Sorry if this wasn’t much of a surprise, but I had to do it. I’ve said enough broad shit about this movie in the past, so lemme throw out some of my favorite moments. The whole thing. Just kidding! The nightmare-haunting shot of Bennings getting assimilated by the thing, the first of the crew to fall. The testicle tightening sequence of Fuchs getting left alone in the dark, and later the quiet and melancholy discovery of his self-immolated body. The head crab, of course.

Blair begging to be let back into the main encampment, the already tied noose lingering in the background. The outrageous amount of snow that covers MacReady’s face as he threatens everyone with the dynamite. Donald Moffatt’s delivery of “tied to this fucking couch!” Then, finally, the silent, motionless, ambiguous-but-not-really ending. He coulda just made this one and he would’ve been one of the greatest. Good thing he made all the rest.

As a transitional post between end of year lists (the endless, endless lists) and just regular lists (sweet, sweet regular lists) I’m gonna take one look back at 2011 to close the door on it by breaking down the most obviously important thing of any 12 months: its memes. There sure were a lot of memes this year. Some good. Many terrible. And there are new ones popping up every day.

With every passing year, memes become more interesting as their originators move further and further away from 4chan and into, well, everywhere. The proliferation of meme-ing software for smartphones let even the most unmotivated troller create custom memes within minutes, making things (as idiots like to say) “go viral.” So, without further adieu, let’s look at my favorite memes from 2011.

Honorable Mention: Planking

Fuck planking.

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5. Bin Laden Situation Room

In a move that surprised exactly zero people, the internet took an image that captured a profound, complex, and deadly serious moment and instantaneously memed it. The rapid spread and unabashed popularity of this meme really became, for me, a big part of the discussion about America’s reaction to the death of Osama Bin Laden. Because, let’s be honest, it wasn’t the instantaneous grief panacea that perhaps we were hoping for.

But what it was was a really funny meme. It was risque enough (considering what they’re watching) that you could feel nicely taboo for looking at it, but not so much so (like the large amount of 9/11 memes) that you truly felt shitty for chuckling. Whether it be the many Obamas, a classic meme-tactic, the Obama w/ Playstation controller, Sad Keanu in the mix, and more, there were many a lolz derived from the situation room.

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4. [10] Guy (Really High Guy)

Already written about on the Bloglin by our quite tickled Elbows, [10] Guy came in at the very tail end of 2011 and charmed us with just its classic meme-ness. It’s just your standard image macro style, with a particularly good picture, a theme that everyone on the internet can relate to, and some pretty above average execution.

This meme didn’t have baggage, required no cultural reference, seemed to pop out of nowhere, and was endlessly digestible en masse. Especially since most people who troll chan and the like smoke a lot of weed, the pleasure of [10] Guy was the triumvirate of laughing at him, laughing with him, and then also laughing at yourself for doing the same shit.

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3. Steve Buscemeyes/Michelle Bachmann Eyes

Hands down the creepiest and most nightmare inducing meme of 2011, the “__”-eyes craze started off simply enough: take the beloved Steve Buscemi’s pretty objectively disgusting eyes (sorry Steve!) and throw them onto anyone and everyone. There had been head swaps that got big in the past (people holding babies, etc…) but this shit took off because it’s the most like watching a terrible car wreck. You just can’t look away.

The situation became even more interesting after Newsweek’s pretty fucked up “The Queen Of Rage” Michele Bachmann cover story that featured her impossibly shaped demon eyes. That became a meme two ways, one with the eye switching, the other replacing the headline on the magazine (e.g. “Michele Bachmann Will Fucking Cut You”). Then someone crossed the streams and we got the image above. Thanks internet. Goodbye sleep.

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2. Arrow In The Knee

I like this meme for a couple reasons. First, of course, that it was initially funny. For those who haven’t played Skyrim, there’s a repeated speech that many characters in the game will give you about having once been an adventurer like your character, until they “took an arrow in the knee.” Someone noticed that everyone says it, it’s a dumb thing to say, meme is born. Lolz are had. But, much like Skyrim was a crossover “hardcore” video game for a lot of people who quickly found themselves out of their nerdery depth when talking to true blue fantasy fans about the game, “arrow in the knee” got your average internet folk involved too deeply with trolls and /b/-tards.

The rapid expansion and perceived overuse of the meme started a massive flame war that I don’t think either side was ready for. It got to that wonderful level where you can’t even tell who’s trolling and who’s a noob and it kind of ceases to matter. “Arrow In The Knee” is a surprisingly interesting case study in the glorious birth and violent death of a meme.

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1. Pepper Spray Cop

Oh Officer John Pike, you ignorant fuck. In another case of ostensibly terrible things that are destined for meme-dom, this mustachioed shithead decided to throw on the most casual face possible while laying down a torrent of neon-orange pepper spray on some sitting students. It’s funny for many reasons: It’s bizarre. He looks like the pigs from angry birds.

He was transplanted onto every other meme imaginable. By inadvertently becoming part of the largely internet based #Occupy movement, John Pike and his fat smug face became one of the most enduring and striking images of 2011. And we memed his ass. Go internet. Go America.

Alright, so I’ve been writing about gaming recently, but y’know what? By the numbers, this has been probably the second most fruitful year for gaming that I’ve ever experienced. The other year, the golden year, the best year of gaming ever (and probably for all time) is of course 1998. It literally boggles the mind how many fantastic and defining games were released in that seemingly inauspicious calendar year.

Arguably my two favorite games of all time, LoZ: Ocarina of Time and Starcraft, not to mention Metal Gear Solid, RE2, Suikoden II, Unreal, Fallout II, Banjo Kazooie, Rogue Squadron, and a little game called Half-Life. Holy shit. Each of those titles in their own way were instrumental in forming gaming as we know it today. But whereas many of them heralded the rise of new genres, there was one game released in 1998 (which I’ll get to later) which unfortunately (though perhaps fittingly) ended up being the death knell for one of my favorite types of game: the point and click graphic adventure. Here are my High Five.

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Honorable Mention: Flash “Escape the Room” Games

If there is one place that point n click adventure games have lived on (and don’t feed me BS about the new XLBA retreads of Monkey Island or even the Traveller’s Tale stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I like them, but somehow it’s not the same.) it’s in the flash games found on places like Newgrounds. In many ways the purest and most bare bones expression of the genre, these adventure experiences usually involve breaking out of some nefarious room.

Comfortable in their predictability, they’re usually only differentiated or referred to by the color of the room (Escape The Blue Room, Red Room, Green Room, etc.), and I played the shit out of them throughout high school. Quick, mercenary, and rewarding, these dinky little games with their shitty art and complete lack of animation will always have a small place in my heart.

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5. Day of the Tentacle (1993) [LucasArts]

The first of many LucasArts titles on this list (they were pretty much the end all be all of adventure game developers) Day of the Tentacle is also, not coincidentally, the first game on this list developed by adventure game wunderkind Tim Schafer. Tentacle, the sequel to the (sorry) highly inferior Maniac Mansion, is a great starting point for getting into the whipsmart humor and fun visuals that define the Tim Schafer era at LucasArts.

A time-travellin’ laugh a minute brain bending tale of a animate purple Tentacle’s attempts to reshape history in his image. Playing as one of three weirdos (the nerdy Bernard, the portly loser Hoagie, or the spasmodic Laverne) across time, the game has probably the best time-travel mechanics I’ve encountered in a game. The detailed and always surprising ways your actions in the past effect those in the future are perhaps the game’s greatest thrill.

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4. Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis(1992) [LucasArts]

I might be crazy, but this is actually my second favorite Indiana Jones story after Raiders. Not only is it just as fun as you’d think to play as a wise (and whip) cracking, pugilist Dr. Jones, the plot of Atlantis is loads of fun. Running through booby trapped dungeons, solving puzzles, and eventually ending up in the wonderfully designed titular city, Fate has everything you could want from an Indy adventure game.

It also strayed a little from just the standard point and click formula, incorporating chases and fistfights and cool stuff like that. It’s also great to be able to spend a good long time with Indy and his world. It’s a wonder what freeing yourself from the 2 hour stricture of a movie can do.

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I got a very early Christmas gift this year with the release of David Cronenberg’s A Dangerous Method. Our own Oh Mars loved it, as did I, and it continued my longtime love affair with the works of that wily silver haired Canadian. Often relegated (unfairly I think, though it’s by no means a dubios honor) to being the king of body horror, Cronenberg is that and so much more. I recently read an interview with Viggo Mortenesen where he talked about how Cronenberg was perhaps the most under acknowledged living director, and I might have to agree.

The fact that his mantle doesn’t contain one Oscar, let alone be lined with them, boggles the mind. Like all of the best science/speculative fiction artists, Cronenberg is able to embrace the impossible, improbable, the nightmarish and the private, and use them to say things about our lives that kitchen-sink realism simply does not allow. Never afraid to confront supposedly “taboo” subjects ranging from sex to genetics, and always ready to embrace the future, I’m consistently impressed and moved by his work. These are my High Five.

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Honorable Mention: Scanners (1981) & Jason X (2002)

Containing the most indelible and blood splattered image of his career, Scanners is the finest of Cronenberg’s early work and is a very good, if flawed, film. Beginning the conversation with many topics that he will revisit time and again over his career, this story of a man’s entrance into the world of underground telepaths is thrilling, strange, and… well its got the head explosion. I consider Videodrome, however, to be the much much stronger companion piece to this one.

Also, I would be remiss to not at least make passing mention of one of Cronenberg’s few acting roles, this one in the classic Sci-Fi/Horror masterpiece Jason X. All joking aside, it is a perfectly fun popcorn movie, and the simple fact that David fucking Cronenberg shows up in it is better than any other WTF moment the film can muster up. I have literally no idea why he is in it, but damned if it doesn’t make me laugh out loud every time I see it.

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5. Crash (1996)

It’s a constant annoyance that when espousing the greatness of this film I now constantly have to qualify that I’m not referring to the celluloid-curb-stomping that is Paul Haggis’ inane (and somehow Best Picture winning) 2004 film. I’d also be hard pressed to find two movies that are more different. While shitty Crash is a trite mess that lovingly placates white guilt, great Crash boldly looks at not only sexual fetishization but also modernity’s obsession and fascination with sensationalism.

A highlight from James Spader’s perfectly creepy period, Crash, if you haven’t seen it, is about a man who ends up embroiled in what basically amounts to a sex club centered around car accidents. It’s wholly bizarre, more than often off putting, but never condescends or marginalizes it’s characters, instead taking care to let us see ourselves in their so-called perversions. Has the most tender ending to ever contain a bloody car accident.

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4. The Fly (1986)

This was the first Cronenberg movie I ever saw. I used to watch the original The Fly with my dad all the time as a kid, and I vividly remember taking this VHS out of our TV room, unaware that a remake even existed, and watching it thinking it was the old one. Holy shit did this movie freak me out/blow my mind/other superlatives. The transformation of Jeff Goldblum’s Seth Brundle to the horrific Brundle-fly is a masterwork in visuals and tone.

Veering wildly (though never uncontrollably) from high science, gruesome (and boy do I mean gruesome) body horror, pitch dark comedy, touching love story, and finally an almost greek tragedy, The Fly is the work of a true genius. Goldblum is never better, as with Geena Davis as his lover (and the mother of his, uhh, child). Also has absolutely incredible visual effects.

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3. Videodrome (1983)

Though most people would point to the head-popping in Scanners, I would like to nominate James Woods feeding a heaving VHS tape into a swollen vagina embedded in his chest as the quintessential Cronenberg image. This is the height of his Sci-Fi work for me. Though I do love its mind, its ideas about media and projection and sadism, it is its visual life that sticks with me the most.

So creative, so innovative, and dare I say brave. Plus, who doesn’t love a good James Woods movie. The simple idea of Videodrome, a bootleg pornographic S&M TV signal that causes tumors in the viewer that allow them to physically manipulate the world around them: I mean, does it get any weirder than that? And yet, Cronenberg pulls it off because he is not only confident in his idea, but also in the audience, never holding their hand or hiding the grim realities of his world from them.

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2. A History of Violence (2005)

For almost any other director, this film would easily (so easily) be the best of their career. It’s also my favorite movie of the past 15 years (all the way back to Boogie Nights). On the surface a relatively “normal” film (therefore a stylistic departure for Cronenberg), Violence sets its eye on disassembling and then, surprisingly, lovingly rebuilding the myth of the American dream. Despite coming from a Canadian, this is one of my favorite works about America ever.

Bolstered by a knockout performance by Viggo Mortensen (though he has to fight tooth and nail for top honors with William Hurt, who makes a 10 minute appearance that threatens to steal the entire film), A History of Violence is one of those films that, after I finished watching it for the first time, I was convinced was the best movie ever. A smart movie with real ideas that deserve actual thought and contemplation, Violence also never abandons its visual beauty and brutality, and culminates in a devastatingly quiet ending.

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1. Dead Ringers (1988)

While many of Cronenberg’s films have a lot to say about society at large (almost always very smart things) Dead Ringers is his most personal film, one that draws you into the strange world of twin gynecologists Beverly and Elliot Mantle, and uncompromisingly portrays their descent into insanity and drug addiction whilst exploring every aspect of two men who seem to share one consciousness and even one soul.

Did I mention both roles are played by Jeremy Irons in the performance of a lifetime? Dead Ringers is slow, almost elegiac, creepy, and very sad. Beautifully shot, to say nothing of the innovative ways Cronenberg captured the two Irons’ characters together, the true triumph of the film is two absolutely realized characters (Cronenberg wrote the script as well) played by the perfect actor. An ambiguous film (ambiguity, especially moral, being one of Cronenbgerg’s greatest strengths) that will stick with you for a while, Dead Ringers is the culmination of a staggeringly great career.

What’re your favorites?

Happy Thanksgiving internet homies! I’m thankful for all of you, shouts to your presence! On this so gustatory of holidays, it would seem imprudent to devote this week’s High Five to anything other than food. Though I may or may not be currently sitting in my apartment alone drinking a Four Loko, I know all of you out there are loosening your belts and getting ready to tuck into a mighty fine feast.

Some might say that each of the foods that currently dot your table – whether protein, starch, condiment, or otherwise – is of equal importance and contribute to an overall mosaic of hearty American flavor. Some people are liars. We all have our favorite Thanksgiving items, the ones we go for first before your strange relative grabs it. Here are mine.

Honorable Mention: Next-Day Turkey Sammies

Though not technically a part of the dinner, the leftover turkey and its presence in your lunch for the next week may in fact be the sleeper hit of your stomach’s holiday season. Throw some extra cranberry sauce in that motherfucker (canned or otherwise, I don’t judge) and you’re in business. Perfect for football games that Sunday.

That being said, you will eventually reach that day when you know you’ve been pushing the turkey too far. Sometime near the beginning of December, you’ll throw the last of your turkey scraps on some white bread, take a bite, and you’ll know you’ve transgressed. Remember folks, always practice safe leftovers!

5. Cranberry Sauce

I already shouted it out as a sandwich moisturizer (or sandwich lube, as some of my gully friends would say) but I don’t want to ignore its very important presence on the Thanksgiving table. Pop open that can and slide that gelatinous little lump of red goodness out into a bowl. It’s ribbed for your pleasure!

Or, if you’re feeling more Brooklyn-y, you can swag out with some heart homemade cranberry sauce, which is really much more like a delicious preserve or jam. It’s tart, sweet, and one of the few items that you really only have on Thanksgiving, an attribute that (as you will see) I am particularly fond of.

4. Mashed Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes

First I gotta give props to your regular old white starch, mashed potatoes. If the conversation is boring, you get to fashion it into a Devils Tower, which is always fun, and it’s gluey nature is a good binding agent to keep everything settled in your stomach. Plus, in a roundabout way, it’s sort of responsible for bringing gravy to the table, even though you will invariably end up pouring it over everything.

But the real ‘tater star for me is the mashed sweet potatoes. And if you’re not fuckin’ with the flambé lil’ marshmallows on top of that silky orange dynamo then I don’t know what kind of strange and empty life you’re living. An obvious dessert that has capitalized on its deliciousness to gain a spot as a side, I salute you sweet potatoes.

3. Turkey

Uh-oh, curveball! Not even in the top two? Yeah, I know, I went there. Don’t get me wrong, I love turkey. #3 is nothing to be ashamed of. But let’s be honest with ourselves here: unless you’re really lucky, it’s gonna be a lil bit dry. You can tell yourself little bullion lies by drowning it in gravy, but especially as the long meal stretches on, you’re gonna find yourself dealing with some mealiness.

That being said, turkey can also be magically delicious. I’m a dark meat/skin guy myself, and those sections are definitely money. You can also cook some proper new potatoes (y’know, those little guys) in the turkey pan and they’ll absorb all the good turkey flavorings, so it’s multifunctional. But, though it makes a wonderful centerpiece for the table, and is the figurehead of the meal, it will never be my favorite.

2. Pies

Lemme let you in on a little secret: cake fucking sucks. And yet, it is the baked dessert that we are so consistently subjected to throughout the year. Luckily, no one gets down with cake on Thanksgiving. No, instead we have a wonderful little tryst with it’s infinitely sexier cousin, pie! Pumpkin, cherry, apple, strawberry-rhubarb, pecan: all appropriate Thanksgiving desserts and all capable of giving you mouth O’s. Sorry about that.

The simple fact that ice cream is the universally agreed upon topping for this dessert makes it an even better exclamation point to your meal. Even you’re stomach knows how great it is. You might be as full as you’ve ever felt after the turkey and all the sides, you may be burping up green beans, getting meat sweats, and hallucinating a bit, but there is always, and I mean always room for pie. Preferably multiple slices.

1. Stuffing

The fact that stuffing isn’t eaten year round blows my mind. It’s either a testament to our ignorance, or an amazing amount of self control based on the knowledge that if stuffing was allowed throughout the year we would all be outrageously fat. The Thanksgiving I was at last year had four different kinds of stuffing at it. There are pictures of me at that meal and I look so happy it almost freaks me out.

That’s how much I love stuffing. Bready, salty, umami filled, turkey-tastin’, fruit and veggie somehow containin’, endlessly adaptable stuffing takes all of the best holiday flavors and, in a very American way, smushes them all together violents into one superfood which is then cooked inside of a dead bird. If that’s not Thanksgiving then I don’t know what is. Stuffing: it’s what I’m thankful for.