The headline said you could eat a Krusty Burger, so what was my first reaction? Simpsons Movie 2 maybe? Remember when they did that store-conversion, tie-in marketing stunt and turned the 7-11s into actual Kwik-E-Marts? That was legitimately cool. That was worth driving 60 miles north into Denver to go to the single conversion store that actually made it up there.
But no, this is nothing like that. BK/McD/Wendy’s didn’t strike a deal with Fox Studios to recreate the Krusty Burger franchise. That would be interesting and surreal. No, there’s just some bullshit theme-park expansion taking place in Orlando that looks like it’s built out of sadness and board meeting deals. “My nephew would love this” kind of shit.
The video preview is from some promotional day where visitors could come walk through this lame food-court portion of a microcosmic Springfield. Admittedly, the structures are pretty true to form, but that’s where my admiration for the whole thing stops dead. You have to pay to go into a Simpsons theme park, and the fucking Kwik-E-Mart is just a gift shop? What the fuck is Cletus’ Chicken Shack, man? That’s some Tyson-ass lookin Grade F meat, from the looks of it.
Maybe I’m getting too buttforlorn over this whole thing, but I’m still disappointed with the endeavor. It looks unimaginative, sterile, unfunny, and most of all just….like…super basic. There’s no weird breach of reality that took place when the aforementioned store conversions took place. And just wait for the lame mascots, silently gyrating because who the fuck is gonna attempt a Homer Simpson impression? You when you’re wasted? Oh yeah, and I’ll bet you anything that there’s gonna be the inevitable inclusion of a fuckin’ 7-foot tall Bart Simpson that does a hang-ten sign and shouts “Aye Caramba!” Then it’ll literally just be me watching my soul wither and wane, eventually succumbing to the dearth of imagination surrounding me.
Actually that sounds waaaaay better than this shit.