Let me preface this by saying that I know it’s an odd thing to call a terrorist organization “awesome,” even an imaginary one, but seriously – Cobra are just that, friggin’ awesome. No where in all of comic, cartoon or toydom has there ever been a villainous group whose awesomeness was at such great disparity from the heroes. As a a kid I was buying Cobra action figures at a rate of 4 to each Joe I got. They just couldn’t be touched with how cool they all looked. I don’t who the hell was tasked with character design for most of Cobra, but has there ever been a greater collection of villain costumes on the planet?
So this week’s High Five is gonna be dedicated to five of my favorite Cobra costumes, but specifically ones that aren’t as commonly known. Because let’s face it, we all know how incredible Destro and Cobra Commander look. Serpentor was bananas. Firefly? A dude who sort of looks like a ninja in grey camo? Are you fucking kidding me!? Then there’s the nerdy BSDM beauty that is the Baroness, the Aussie chameleon Zartan (who kinda had a Kiss-meets-Alice Cooper face paint thing going on) and of course Storm Shadow, who was able to make a white pajama ninja costume looks sick thanks to that big red Cobra emblem on his chest. And don’t get me started on just the generic Cobra grunts and officer uniforms like the Crimson Guard and Viper costumes! But I don’t really need to tell you all of this because I think (I hope!?) you all already how cool they all were.
But these five below you may not be all that familiar with. Maybe you just never got that deep into G.I. Joe lore, or maybe you stopped watching the cartoon, reading the comic book or collecting the toys early in the series. Hell, maybe I’m wrong and everyone here has a deep knowledge and appreciation for the uniforms and characters of Cobra, whatever. But here are my five favorites from the outskirts of the most bad ass terrorist organization that was ever invented.
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5) B.A.T.s – Cobra Android Trooper (1986) // Series Five
I’m gonna start out light with one that I don’t think is all that obscure but tends to get lost in the mix of incredible Cobra costumes. If a see-through chest and cybernetic arms with interchangeable weapon attachments weren’t cool enough, B.A.T.’s have one of the sickest helmets in all of Cobra. That thing looks like a cold-blooded killer…which of course they were.
From the filecard:
B.A.T.s are the perfect Cobra trooper. They never question orders, shirk duty or surrender. They are cheap and easy to replace. However, B.A.T.s do not react well to changes in field conditions, or discriminate well between targets. They will shoot at anything that moves. Cobra Infantrymen don’t like to be on the same battlefield with B.A.T.s, and will sometimes dispense B.A.T.s into a losing battle, by kicking them out of low-flying aircraft without parachutes. B.A.T.s also have a tendency to burst into flame when hit from behind.
I only wish they made a variant from the original mold that featured the red visor that B.A.T.s had in the cartoon series.
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4) Big Boa – Cobra Trainer (1987) // Series Six
I don’t think Big Boa ever appeared in either the original cartoon or comic book (not counting the Rank & File handbooks). He was Cobra’s trainer and the guy who got tasked with getting all the lowly recruits into shape before they became troopers, vipers or ended up in Dr. Mindbender’s lab.
I have no clue what the deal is with that crazy helmet with a breathing tube, but dude was clearly pretty physically fit to be able to train and box with that thing on, because it looks heavy as fuck! I always wondered if Boa did any personal training sessions with some of the more decorated characters?
From the filecard:
Cobra Troopers can be an unruly bunch at times. They aren’t motivated by patriotism, unit loyalty, honor or sense of duty. It takes a brutal, unfeeling taskmaster to whip them into fighting trim and Big Boa fits the bill to a tee. He has a voice like a bullhorn, fists the size of frozen turkeys, and the disposition of a bear with a sore head.
Big Boa kicks open the Cobra barracks door at 0500 and makes everyone do a low crawl up the mountain while pushing a bowling ball with their noses. Then, it’s a twenty mile run through the bramble thickets, more push-ups than you want to know about, and a two mile swim upstream with a flak jacket and helmet. After breakfast he starts on the HARD stuff!
Boa is also Cobra’s most homoerotic looking character with those red studded straps. It’s like Tom of Finland meets Mad Max, and we all know what that HARD stuff alluded to in his filecard was…
Also, while I have no proof, my gut tells me that Big Boa’s appearance in some way inspired Batman’s Bane.
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