Maybe it’s because many of the internet’s favorite shows (Community, Parks & Rec, Fringe, etc.) were up for cancellation, but whatever the reason the pilot pickup process has seemed much more transparent this year than ever before, from the obvious picks (The Mindy Project, The Following), suprising snubs (The Corrections, Rebounding, Super Fun Night), and interesting gambles (The Neighbors, Hannibal, Last Resort).

As always, there’s a few shows that look alright and maybe even good, and then there’s a lot of stuff that looks like shit. Just big, steamy piles o’ turds. Welcome back to network TV folks! I’ve sifted through all this matter in order to bring you the trailers for shows I will be watching in the fall and, quality depending, maybe be re-upping on The Bloglin. And won’t that be so much fun. Let’s take a gander. I was going to break it down by network, but there weren’t even enough good pickups to justify that. Pessimism becomes me.

DRAMAS:

The Following (FOX) // Created by Kevin Williamson

Okay first two little disclaimers. I know a lot of this will seem skewed to my more genre taste, but honestly networks just went with a lot of weird genre pickups this season. After the success of American Horror Story (as well as network’s still on the hunt for the next 24, not to mention the next LOST) the execs finally realized maybe people don’t want as many hospital dramas and multi-camera sitcoms. Second, these trailers that get put together for the shows all suck, always. Because they can only pull from one episode, but they have to make it seem like it’s for the whole series, and they also try to pack this whole arc in and… it’s terrible. So you gotta try to look past the nature of the trailer and see the potential.

I think there’s potential in Kevin Williamson’s so stupid it just might work horror series about an incarcerated serial killer (James Purefoy) who leads a cult of murderous fans and copycats. There is a surprisingly large amount of people (especially women) who communicate (and even marry) serial killers, so I guess this vaguely makes sense, but hey, it’s Kevin Bacon fighting a cult. Of serial killers. On TV. It’s a cult of serial killers. Who cut out people’s eyes. Network television.

Last Resort (ABC) // Created by Shawn Ryan

Here’s another show with a concept so specific and ridiculous, I imagine it has to be really good, because based on production value this looks expensive as shit, so ABC must have really high expectations. Coming from Shield creator Shawn Ryan, it certainly has pedigree. A nuclear submarine captained by Andre Braugher and crewed by Scott Speedman refuses to blow up Pakistan so the US Government tries to sink them and so they seize an idyllic island, seceding from the country and becoming the world’s smallest nuclear nation. Mmmmkay.

Andre Braugher can never be a bad thing, especially when he’s looking all surly and firing nukes at the eastern seaboard (seriously, what the fuck is going on in this show?) but I can’t help but have no idea what this show will be like. Even if it does have a deep mythology, there has to be some level of serialization, and I’m very curious to see how the “plots of the week” take shape. Submarine misadventures? Hawaii Five-0 style tropical policing? Everyone getting radiation poisoning? Andre Braugher cashing his paychecks?

Revolution (NBC) // Created by J.J. Abrams & Eric Kripke

Hey look, it’s Jericho, except this time it’s produced by JJ and the guy who created Supernatural. It’s another high concept, big budget piece that NBC really must have faith in because they are (as always) floundering and need a big old hit. This looks like it has the set design to attract an audience, but does it have a real star to hold them?

Billy Burke looks pretty cool fucking people up with a sword, and Giancarlo Esposito is an immense talent, but the main girl isn’t really grabbing me yet. Still, the two creators are smart enough that I’m sure we’ll see some really interesting interpretations and ramifications of a world without electricity, some really deep (probably frustrating) mythology, a heady mix of old west and futurism (but not, unfortunately, in a Brisco County Jr. way) and I can’t stress this enough: badass sword fight.

COMEDIES:

Ben And Kate (FOX) // Created by Dana Fox

Slim, slim pickings here folks, but let’s start with the best. The trailer for single-camera sibling oriented comedy Ben & Kate (formerly Ben Fox is My Manny, and a vehicle for SNL’s Abby Elliot who was booted as production began) has a script that was repeatedly called the strongest of any comedy, and the addition of Oscar winner (still funny) Nat Faxon to the mix, as well as the always funny Lucy Punch makes me optimistic.

This actually plays much more like a movie trailer than one for a series, but considering the odd ways the medium of television has been evolving as of late, I’d say that’s probably a good thing. Plus, you can see how this gets serialized really easily. Things I’m not enjoying? The little girl from We Bought A Zoo. Sorry. That’s an annoying child.

The Mindy Project (FOX) // Created by Mindy Kaling

This one might collapse under the weight of its own expectations and messy, protracted path to reality, but if people can just chill out and try to appreciate this show for the quirky, light, star-centric half hour comedy it most assuredly is then I think it will be a pretty fun ride. Kaling can come off as slightly grating at times, but she actually looks very likable in this trailer. I’m back on her team.

It may not be exactly X-Rated either, but there is some talk of the Fass-penis (topical) as well as getting shitfaced and arrested after falling in a pool, so this isn’t just going to be some bland bullshit. I hope. I also really like the bit about the Springsteen concert- err… show.

The Neighbors (ABC) // Created by Dan Fogelman

Okay so this one doesn’t look good at all. I just had to include it because… just watch that trailer up there. How in the holy hell did this get ordered? How fast will this get cancelled. So fast. I really can’t wrap my head around how not good this looks. How are you supposed to look at those effects every week and also be able to engage in the world of the show?

Before seeing this I actually didn’t mind the idea for this series, but the execution looks absolutely piss poor. I thought the “aliens” thing was supposed to be more of a mystery, but no it’s way out in the open, looking like it was done in MS-Paint and everything. This looks worse than What Planet Are Your From. Please America: don’t watch the neighbors. Don’t do this to sci-fi.

As we’ve been parsing collaborative album Toothy Wavy‘s tracks and videos out over the past few months, we’ve loved each installment more than the last, and the buzz has grown accordingly. But if you’ve listened to all of them, you’ve also probably noticed one very conspicuous aspect of Isaiah Toothtaker, Max B, and The Hood Internet‘s rap supergroup: Max B’s vocals are a tad… muted let’s say. Almost as if they’ve come through a phone line. That’s because the Boss Don Biggavelli is currently incarcerated at New Jersey State Prison, serving a 75 year sentence for armed robbery, kidnapping, and murder. Real talk.

Max is currently appealing his conviction, but now you too can let the world know you love Toothy Wavy AND you wanna FREE MAX B! The official Toothy Wavy t-shirt will be going on sale in Мишка locations the same day the collected Toothy Wavy drops on May 15th. The man is committed enough to rap for you through a phone line, so this shirt is the perfect way to show some love back. Look out for another Toothy Wavy track soon, and get ready for the ides of May when this shit goes down f’realz.

I Love Ron. Look at him chugging on a full bottle of Pelligrino while The FADER interviews him. Class.

Some of you may remember Ron as our old shipping manager or perhaps some of the other things he’s been involved with over his life. Some of your probably have no clue who Mr. Malta is. Two years ago Ron started his own record label out of his Greenpoint apt, called L.I.E.S. (Long Island Electrical Systems). And in total Ron fashion the label has only a soundcloud, nothing else. #veryrare.

For the past two years they’ve been putting out some of the choicest house and techno tracks that have been mostly flying just below the radar. Which is exactly how The Falcon likes to fly! The FADER recently caught up with Ron at his home to chat about the label, various projects and , artists and his own unique pessimistic view of a used 808 he’s recently procured.

Seriously, check the label out. Ron won’t associate his name with crap. Frealz. Also Ron’s done two mixes for us; Hot & Sticky and the epic Grinding Violence Vol. 1. Maybe we’ll get a Vol. 2 someday?

The store might be right in the heart of Brooklyn, but for one night next week 350 Broadway is becoming an honorary outpost of Queens, for what’s sure to be a very memorable performance by trio Children of The Night celebrating the release of their new album, Queens… Revisited. The album came out earlier this week, and we couldn’t be happier excited (judging by the reception neither could you).

As you probably know, Children of the Night are part of the larger Queens collective World’s Fair, who can thrown down huge venues. So imagine what seeing COTN in the incredibly intimate setting of 350 Broadway is going to be like? Nasty Nigel, Remy Banks, and Lansky Jones are three of New York’s rising rap stars, and the fact that they all work together makes it even better. So grab Queens… Revisited below, gird yourselves for tomorrow’s release, and we’ll see you at the store on Friday!

Friday March 30th, 2012, 7PM
Мишка
350 Broadway
Brooklyn, NY

J/M/Z to Marcy
L to Lorimer
G to Broadway

Whoadie it got colder than a mothefucker out there. What happened? I already packed away all my winter clothes, so now I have to sit in the Мишка office with just this damn Speedo on and everyone is laughing at me.

This is just like 3rd grade all over again… Anyway, I’ve learned (through my time in the Ballroom scene) that dancing with internet friends is the best way to warm up, so for all you #kidz in Chicagoland, you should mark down this Thursday on your calendar: CULT is back!

One of cyberspace’s favoritve shebangs, CULT is, as always, at Berlin in the heart of Chicago and this installment has a special guest host: Hunx! He of the punx! Hunx recently had a great performance at CYP2, and should do just as good hosting CULT.

With a lineup like Beni, Zebo, Teen Witch Fan Club, and Baby Bamboo, how could it not be good? On top of all that there’s usual hosts Teen Witch, #Top8 n frendz, Claireypear, and Molly Soda. See you there!

Thursday March 29th, 2012, 10PM
Berlin
954 West Belmont Ave
Chicago, IL
21+ to enter

The densely plotted world take over continues. In addition to the upcoming release of their second posse tape, the OF Tape Vol. 2 (check out the first single, “Rella”, here), Odd Future have just now premiered the first official trailer for their Adult Swim show Loiter Squad. I feel like ever since OF burst on the scene people have begged for them to do an Adult Swim show, and wouldn’t ya know they actually did it. It starts March 25th, and appears to only heavily feature Jasper, Lionel, Taco, and of course Tyler.

Based on this preview (along with some other clips I’ve seen) the show seems to involve a lot of people getting covered in gelatinous foods and singing about it, as well as Jackass/CKY type shenanigans. It is produced by Dickhouse after all. I hope to see some guest appearances from the rest of the crew, especially Frank Ocean. I don’t know why really, that just sounds like it would be really funny…

I know it’s no longer Valentine’s Day, but dig this. The Мишка messiah himself, Mr. Muthafuckin’ eXquire remixed Alicia Keys‘s “Unthinkable” via a dope verse at the beginning. Just listen to this. This song is dope. Yo how dope is this song?

I already really liked the normal Keys song, but this just made it even better. I wish it was still Valentine’s day so I could bump this and pout really hard. Now I can only bump this and pout really hard without the holiday connotations. Whatever. It’s dope.

Air - Les Voyage Dans le Lune (2012) [Astralwerks] // Grade: B

Writing soundtracks for silent movies has always been a cerebral exercise. Unfortunately, it often turns into the type of brain game that sacrifices enjoyment for intelligence. In the early 1990’s avant-garde artists Phillip Glass and Kronos Quartet learned this when they composed scores the likes of Nosferatu and The Golem. The results were interesting and successful, but ultimately forgettable in the long run.  Although music can spark plenty of ideas, very often it is not a wise decision to make  music an intellectual challenge.

Drive that Delorean twenty years into the future and you find Air attempting to either right the wrongs of the past or follow in the footsteps of folly. Air’s new album may fair better because it isn’t a soundtrack in the strict sense of the term.   soundtrack to Méliès’ A Trip to the Moon would technically clock in just under fifteen minutes. Instead, the French duo decided to pay homage to the  classic steam punk slice of futurism with an album of music inspired by the film. Perhaps Moon Safari might already fit that bill; but fortunately, Le Voyage Dans le Lune is a pretty good listen. It actually seems like a return to their pre-Moon Safari Mo Wax days of  experimentation, before the term “trip hop” became synonymous with boring modern latte lounge.

Built on solid beats and Krauty guitar and bass, Air manage to make the voyage organic and listenable.  There are mellow moments, and sound effects that remind the listener just who it is they are listening too, but there is also a steady intensity that has not really been there for a while. Take “Parade,” a track that seems to go from BrianWilson to Ratatat to Exmagma in less than three minutes, without ever sounding disjointed or haughty. There is plenty of porno soundtrack and even more Neu! inspired bass and beats (just check out “cosmic Trip”)  “Astronomic Club” even attempts a bit of psychedelic drone, in a way that is very reminiscent of the soundtrack to Les Vampyros Lesbos.

The one true downfall is that this is soundtrack music. As well done as it is, it is not entirely engaging. By definition it seems to hang in the background, making it a perfect album to put on while banging out some housework or entertaining guests. Being that this is the both the true vocation of Space Age Bachelor Pad music and Brian Eno’s definition of Ambient, this isn’t a bad thing at all.

I suppose I have been hearing about the new Bourne movie for a while, but I guess I sorta just didn’t think about how it was gonna be a real thing that comes out? For whatever reason I was surprised and happy to see this new trailer for the Bourne Legacy, which leaves the franchise in pudgy face Jeremy Renner’s taut and sinewy hands. It’s cool that the last 10 years have actually created a new franchise (albeit one based on a book) that has the cultural significance to support multiple iterations.

But what I’m really stoked about is definitely not the fact that I just used the word stoked. No, that was a little embarrassing. Instead, it’s the fact that this was written and directed by Tony Gilroy (who wrote the other Bourne movies) director of Michael Clayton, one of my favorite movies of recent memory. With Renner, Edward Norton, Albert Finney (!), Joan Allen, and hopefully lots of ass kicking, I think this looks pretty great. After all, Jason Bourne was just the tip of the iceberg! *cue dramatic music*

Hey buddy. It’s been awhile. No, no; don’t cry. It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault, really. Maybe it was sort of your fault. But don’t worry, it’s time again for another of Elbows’ Weekly Debriefs. Up top is a video of Champis, the hearding rabbit. Let’s get into it.

—–

Everybody Hates Ricky

The big news on the political front this week was that Mitt Romney took home the Nevada caucuses. The not big news was that Rick Santorum came in last.

I’ll tell you, this guy is a superb campaigner. At a stop in Florida, a gay audience member posed the question as to why homosexuals don’t have equal marriage rights. Santorum went ahead and informed everybody that same sex relationships don’t “benefit society.” To which everyone responded that Santorum doesn’t benefit society.

He went on to support Susuan G. Komen’s decision to cut funding to Planned Parenthood, saying, “I don’t believe breast cancer research is advanced by funding an organization that does abortions where you’ve seen ties to cancer.” To which everyone again chimed in to inform him that there is absolutely no link between cancer and abortions.

Regarding Santorum’s comments, Newt Gingrich said, “Hey. All I know is that Ricky’s got a spot on my moon base.”

—–

Heart Attacks

Paula Dean was made CEO of Jack In The Box this week. There was no official word, of course, other than the debut of Jack’s new Bacon Shake, a bacon flavored shake. This one’s got “Paula Dean” smeared all over it.

One Jack In The Box customer, who after he finished hurling his Bacon Shake at the concrete and spitting out what was his first sip of the drink, described the drink as “aggressively” bad. Sounds good.

Unfortunately, there isn’t any actual bacon in the Bacon Shake. It’s flavored with syrup. Bacon syrup. That sounds like a great product in itself. Technically the drink is vegetarian, a fact which will likely alienate many bacon enthusiasts.

Honestly, I’ve had bacon ice cream before and it’s great. And despite this being just a cup filled with Paula Dean’s bacon-y bath water in a cup, give it a chance. It’s probably great.

—–

There. So we’re back. It’s nice, isn’t it? Tune in next week when we speak to the architect behind Gingrich’s moon base, and learn about Emeril Lagasse’s new crawfish-flavored sports drink. I’m Elbows, you’re not. Yogurt.