Normally, I’d have a few things to talk to you about. But instead of tending to the issues of Lauryn Hill looking like a young Gary Coleman during her tax trial (jail-time, I’m sorry girl), or Jaden Smith asking for emancipation for his 15h birthday (because I’m sure it’s really rough growing up the jet-setting child of major Hollywood stars); I want to talk to you about my current obsession: Farrah Abraham’s last gasp at fame, first taste of porn notoriety.
A few weeks ago Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham, claimed that her “private tape” leaked, and lashed out at co-star James Deen, Patron Saint of Shit-Stirrers (no pun intended), for calling bullshit. Today, she’s close to a million dollars richer via Vivid (whose founder she has been taking lunches with), inking a diet pill endorsement, and magically destroying Kim K’s first-day download record (poor Kim…somewhere pregnant-farting with rage, talking to her mirror like a jilted Disney princess) with the release of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. Watch it if you want, it’s your internet…but I already watched for you. Journalistic integrity. You’re welcome.
A few things: her premise of hiring a porn-star to do a private video, as a love letter to her future-self. Because isn’t that how we all capture our glory days? With a professional production team and some anal? A reality star would never plan such a thing to become an internet commodity! She makes it seem as if James Deen just works at the boudoir photography studio you bought a voucher for on Groupon. A rented piece whose life she claims she changed, since he was no one before her. Sure…But here’s the thing, she also originally claimed that she used protection during the shoot, in case any young girls heard about it…since she’s some sort of role-model (because the Mayan’s were right, we’re just being stubborn about it). No condoms were used. Farrah now says that nerves made her “forget” to buy protection…Vivid has a condom line, so the studio is probably stocked, fyi. This was a hardcore porno, that started with anal penetration and altered between orifices indiscriminately throughout. It didn’t look like any wet-wipes or mouthwash was used, either. Just sayin. She claimed that she hasn’t seen a D in a long time. I’m pretty sure James’ wasn’t even the first one she saw that day…it’s supposed to look like a starfish, not a jellyfish.
(that’s the dress she wore in the scene, FYI)
She’s claiming she won’t watch Vivid’s “version”, as if they somehow CGI’d the bacterial infection she was working on, and has managed to stage…a pregnancy rumor! She’s been caught purchasing a pregnancy-test, because she is supposedly not on birth-control and worried that Deen might be responsible for a missed period.This, of course, is according to “anonymous sources”(read: Farrah), and guess who isn’t having any of it? James Deen.
Deen made sure that the world knew his stipulations to Vivid, the ones who hired him, were that Farrah be on birth-control and get fully screened like any other actress would. He doesn’t think any of this shit is cute: “I am taking it seriously enough to research the possibility of someone getting pregnant from anal sex and semen on their face while they are having sex on their period with a sponge inside them…I spoke to the clinic where we both got tested before our scene along with my personal medical doctor regarding the subject. However, I am more concerned about the fact that Vivid told me she was on birth control….This is a type of publicity I do not agree with and I do not want to participate in. Joking or lying or using pregnancy to get attention and media is not cool. It involves three people’s lives including the potential unborn child.”
Once again, James Deen, professional cocksman, is the most reasonable and ethical person in the room. Meanwhile, Farrah is getting rejected by Sugar Daddy websites for being too much of a gold-digger. James, if you’re reading this I want you to know: you’re on my short-list of current pop-cultural heroes. Please sue her for libel (for calling you a bad man with a small cock) and pain and suffering for this pregnancy stunt. For the transcripts. I need it, America needs it. Young girls who think being Teen Mom is a good idea, need it. Young men who have spiteful girlfriends who think this is ok, need it. We all need to hear the judge tear her a new asshole (her old one is useless, since your last visit) for being irresponsible, vapid, and using the worst plastic surgeon her money could buy. The judge won’t say that, but I will, because breasts aren’t supposed to be stationary, blunt-objects.